The baby room

Here are some pictures of the baby's room, which I finally completed today! All it needs are some essentials (ie: a diaper pail), and we'll be all set. :-) And not that it matters, but for those of you with a detailed eye, we do have a crib skirt but we had to lower the mattress for our friends' 14 month old baby to sleep in when they visit. So, the crib skirt was removed temporarily. :-)
DO note, however, my late grandfather's beautiful rocking chair, still in perfect condition.

Just when we thought....

Last week I (Anne), had my second meltdown during this process. I signed up for MOPS at church thinking it would be a great way for me continue preparing for motherhood & gleaning from the wisdom of those who have gone before me. When I came home that morning it dawned on me just how silly I may appear to everyone else. I mean, our house is baby-proofed, our nursery is set up, our carseat is installed & I'm already joining mom's groups as if I'm going to have a baby tomorrow. When in reality, I had NO idea when the baby was coming or how long we'd be waiting. I just felt so fake. Like I was just playing pretend and trying to convince myself that if I just kept preparing maybe that would make it happen faster. I envied those pregnant moms who didn't have to give a five minute explanation as to when they'd be having kids. I began to feel very insecure about walking into MOPS in September with no baby, and clearly not showing signs of pregnancy. I cried in my husband's arms for at least thirty minutes without stopping. I just couldn't help it. I felt so helpless. Waiting for a phone call that could change your life is the most intense test of patience. In reality, we'd only been "waiting" for under 3 months, and we knew that once our home study was complete the hard part would truly begin. No more tasks to keep us busy, just waiting. I felt pretty doomed. Our home study had only been complete a day or two and here I was having a complete and total meltdown. How was I ever going to make it?

And then... Thursday morning, August 26th 2010, Zach got the phone call that changed our life. :-) A birth mom out in Maryland had chosen us to adopt her baby-to-be! I was working so Zach drove out to Folsom to bring me the good news. He showed me the paper where he'd quickly written down all the information he could from our adoption agency. Her name is Katrina & she's 29 years old. She is about 5'4" with brown hair & brown eyes. She is originally from the Czech Republic & she plans to return there after the baby is born. Her family does not know she is pregnant. She cannot afford another child (she already has a 2yr. old son) and she doesn't want her family to know anything about this baby. She is due on January 1, 2011. The birth father is half white & half African-American. He is 6'4" with black hair and brown eyes. Her relationship with him was brief & he is no longer in the picture. She has not been smoking, drinking or doing drugs at all during her pregnancy & the baby is very healthy. She loved what she saw in our profile book & she wants to speak with us.

Zach & I both agreed that on paper, this seemed like an ideal match. We got her phone number from our adoption agency and tried to reach her that same night. She proved to be very difficult to get a hold of. We found out that her cell phone reception isn't great and her service goes on and off. So after 4 days of calling, texting, and crying in frustration, she finally called us this morning. We had been so frustrated and so fearful that something had happened to her or that she'd changed her mind. It was just bad cell phone reception & nothing more, to our immense relief. I'd been so anxious about what to say to her. How do you make small talk with the woman who's giving you her child? Our adoption lawyer told us to keep it casual, get to know her but don't bombard her with questions. We were told to leave the tough questions to them. Our only job is start a relationship with her & make her feel comfortable.

Our conversation could not have gone better. Katrina was very happy & almost enthusiastic about having us raise her baby. Through tears she said she feels like she already knows us so well. Even her 2 yr. old son, Nivel, when looking through the small pile of profile books told her, "I like Annie!" She said she completely agreed with him. :-) She said things like, "Your baby is moving around a lot!" It brought us to tears hearing her describe the child inside of her as ours. She explained her situation to us and shared how difficult her few years in U.S have been for her. She's been through a lot, but she believes everything happens for a reason and that the decisions she's made & the circumstances she's been in have led her to us. She told us she believed God is great and good. We couldn't have agreed with her more.
We told her what a gift she's giving us and how courageous we think she is. We told her there were not enough words to describe how grateful we are. She told us she knew we would love the baby and give it a good home, and she know she needs to do what's best for the baby. In that decision alone she exemplified motherhood. I will never forget that.

We all agreed she will call us after each doctor's appointment and we will keep in touch as much as we can. We told her we're praying for her and to let us know if she needs anything from us. Right now I feel there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's giving us the best thing in the world, and the most precious and dearest thing to her heart. How could we deny her anything? She's e-mailing us her sonogram pictures later today. She said she'd tell her doctor that we'd like to know the baby's gender so we're hoping he'll do another sonogram for us.

We've been taking the last few days to call family & close friends, sharing our good news and asking for prayer. To those of you who have been faithfully praying for us, we cannot thank you enough. To those of you who wrote letters for our profile book, we cannot thank you enough. All of you are part of our family and part of our baby's life because of the role you've had in loving & supporting us. We will make sure our child knows just how loved and prayed for they were before they even existed!

Is the end in sight yet?

On Monday we had our final visit from our social worker. She checked us off for all our baby-proofing, car-seat installation, disaster kit, etc. She also went through about 2 hours of training with us, mostly basic child development stuff but also information specific to raising an adopted, interracial child. One of the things we discussed was the detachment an adopted child can feel from their adoptive parents, even later into their adolescence. Our social worker prepared us for the inevitable "You're not my real parents!" yelled at us at least once. Even though I know not to take something like that personally, just the thought of hearing those words from my child after the all the work we've done & will do for them, broke my heart. Real parents provide for you, love on you and give their hearts to you. I'm doing all those things for my child before he/she even exists. I can't imagine being told I'm not a "real" parent. I had to hold back my tears.

Daylyn told us she'd call in a couple weeks once she'd typed up our full report. We'll go to her office to review everything & sign off on it. At that point we'll have officially passed our home study.

However, today I received an email from Daylyn stating that while our paperwork says we're CPR certified, it does not say that we're First Aid certified. So... we need to take one last class for First Aid only. I basically fell apart. We were so close to the end. Hopefully we can get into a class within the next week or so.

I know the Lord has good and perfect timing. We just need to keep trusting in that especially on days like today when it seems the end will never quite be in sight.

Studyin' Up for Parenthood

Our social worker Daylyn came for the final interview yesterday (her one-on-one with Zach). We were hoping she would do the final home inspection while she was here, but she insisted on doing it when she returns on the 16th. So... two more weeks of living with the baby-proofing around the house & the car seat in my backseat. Not too big a deal I guess, but we were really hoping to just check it off the list yesterday. Not having the home inspection complete has felt like a dark cloud over us for the past month. As much as we like Daylyn, we're eager to bid her farewell after her FINAL visit on the 16th. What a relief it will be!

In the meantime, she left us with a couple of dvd's to watch & a book to read called "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother." I wasn't expecting much from it's pages, but after 2 hours of reading while sunbathing, I had read every page. The author shares about her real life experiences going through infertility, an independent adoption, keeping an "open" relationship with the birth mom, and raising a child of a different race. I related to so many things she expressed going through the early phases of the adoption. It was very moving. The book is very honest & eye-opening. I feel more aware, more educated, and more prepared having read it.

On the calendar next week: Our first aid & infant CPR course & our water safety course. Zach also has his physical & TB test (mine are complete). We're waiting to get our DMV clearance forms in the mail & that will be the last of our paperwork. All items for our home study will be complete as of August 16th! From there we just wait for Daylyn to type up her complete evaluation for us to review. Then she'll submit it & we'll be DONE!

Anne's first meltdown

So on Tuesday morning, I (Anne), had my first official adoption-related meltdown. We've both been doing so great with the waiting so far. And then one little thing just set me off.

One of the MANY things on our "to do" list for the home study is to get a TB test. No big deal. So I went in for my test last Friday & was scheduled to come back in on Monday to have my results read. But then my incredible husband surprised me with a Disneyland getaway for the entire weekend and we didn't return until late Monday night. I re-scheduled my result reading for Tuesday.

After being kept waiting for nearly an hour in the waiting room (just to be handed a piece of paper!), the nurse finally called me in and told me that since more than 72 hours had passed since my test, the results were no longer valid and I had to re-take the test, then come back on Friday for the results.... RIDICULOUS. Apparently it's state mandate or whatever that considers your TB test results invalid after a certain period of time, but nobody told me this. I think my meltdown ensued from lack of sleep, hunger, and complete irritation at the entire process. I started yelling (yes, YELLING) at the nurse and then I just plain sat and cried. I felt so dumb, but I just couldn't help it.

Afterwards I went out to my car, let all the tears out, then called my husband. After talking it out, this is what the REAL reason for my meltdown was... This home study process just seems to be getting longer and longer. With all the doctors appointments, safety courses, tests, home improvements, paperwork, budgeting, the list of tasks seems endless. We're barely making a dent in all the things we need to do and it just seems completely unfair. Birth parents don't have to go through all of this. They can be as prepared or unprepared as they want for parenthood. Zach and I have tried for a baby, and desired a baby for SO long and we are beyond ready. It doesn't seem right that we have to jump through all of these hoops. What makes it even harder is that we have to baby proof our house, install our carseat, set up our nursery, all just to pass the home study but we have no idea how long it will be before we'll actually need all those things! So now all those things just serve as a reminder that we're still in the dark, without a baby. We're hoping and praying we'll get matched soon, but there's just no way to know. It's difficult to have the entire house ready even though we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.

It's now Saturday and I'm doing much better. :-) All our paperwork is complete and every doctors appt. and safety course we need has been scheduled. We'll be completely done with our home study by the end of August, hallelujah! Guess I just melted down for nothing. :-)

Interview #1

Today we met our social worker, Dalyn, and we did our home assessment & couples interview. We really had no idea what to expect (which made me pretty nervous), but Dalyn was great and very easy to talk to. Some of the questions were pretty darn personal, but we worked through it and responded as honestly as we could. Some of the information she gave us seemed like total common sense to us (ie: Never withhold food or basic necessities from your child as a means of punishment, Check the water temperature before you bathe your child), but we figured she's probably seen it all & she was just covering all her bases.

We filled out an endless pile of paperwork and as if all the hoops we've jumped through so far weren't enough, we were given yet another list of tasks. We each have to get a DMV clearance, a physical, a TB test, pass a water safety course, and pass a CPR & first aid course. We were also told during our home assessment that our entire house needs to be baby-proofed by next week. This means covering all our outlets, putting safety latches on every cabinet & drawer, installing locks on the oven, fridge & toilet, etc etc etc. We thought this was pretty ridiculous since we haven't even been matched with a birth mom yet, and even we were to get a baby tomorrow, it would be MONTHS before they would be at risk for sticking their finger in a socket or getting a knife off the kitchen counter! Nevertheless, it needs to be done in order to pass our home study. We just need to keep focusing on the end result... we're going to be parents to a beautiful son or daughter. When that day comes all this work will be worth it. :-)

Tomorrow we'll be assembling the crib for the nursery & then the baby's room will be just about complete! We're still waiting on a dresser but it won't arrive until the first week of August. I'll post pictures of the finished room (minus the dresser) at the end of this week. :-)

The home study begins

As you may have noticed, there hasn't been much to report over the last couple weeks. We've been very busy filling out LOTS of paperwork for our home study and assembling LOTS of copies of our profile book for Little Angel Adoptions. But now, the profile books have been turned in (which means they can be sent out to any birth mom who is a potential match), and the paperwork has been submitted. Our social worker, Dalyn, will be coming to our house on Monday, July 12th to do a home assessment and our couple's interview. It will be about a 2 hour interview with Zach & I together, answering questions about anything & everything! Next, on July 13th, I will do an individual interview with Dalyn, and Zach will do his on July 19th. Once all three interviews are complete we will move on to our 12 hours of infant training. Then we're done! It seems so simple, but we're anxious to have it all behind us.

In the meantime, we've been working on putting the nursery together. The walls are painted, curtains are up, and new diapers have been slowly accumulating in the closet. :-) We picked out the furniture last week & it's being assembled piece by piece. We're having so much fun pulling the whole room together & imagining what it will be like when we introduce our child to it! I am already excited about our Jeep brand stroller & JJ Cole diaper bag- both have all the bells & whistles and I almost wish I had an excuse to use them even without a baby! :-) But by far the most important element in the nursery is the rocking chair.... it was built by my grandfather when he was just a young guy on the farm in Iowa. After losing him to Alzheimers just last September, I was given the chair- it has personal meaning to me and to our family. We are honored and excited to rock our baby to sleep in my Opa's chair, knowing he will be looking down from heaven and smiling as we do so.