Daddy's girl

This Father's Day I asked Zach if he shared any of the same feelings I had on Mother's Day (oddly threatened by P.J's birth parents, a tiny sense of competitiveness and weirdness knowing we're not biologically related to P.J like they are). He said that's it different for him because P.J's birth father doesn't even know she exists, let alone was he there to share in her birth or have any connection to her. Zach will always be the only father P.J has ever known or even will know about. Zach gets exclusive rights to the title of "Daddy." I love that.

During his Father's Day sermon our pastor listed several statistics about fatherless children. They were staggering. (http://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/) With each one I felt more and more grateful that the Lord had spared P.J from a life without a father. While her birth mom may have been able to love her unconditionally should she have chosen to keep her, absolutely nothing could replace the role Zach plays in her life. It pains me to think how different P.J's life would have been had she been raised by a single mother, and it saddens me to know that somewhere out there is a man who helped create my beautiful, bright, spunky little girl, and has NO idea. His loss is our greatest gain.

We will never know how much of P.J's looks and personality are from her birth father. I hope she learns to be okay with that someday. I hope she can be assured knowing that Zach is exactly the dad God wanted her to have and that she has all her needs met by him and by her heavenly Father. I trust Zach completely with this all important role of leading P.J in the ways of the Lord, guiding her and loving her in the same way our Father does for us. I hope someday when P.J begins to wonder about her "real" dad, that she'll quickly look to Zach and see that he's as real as they get, and they don't get any better than him.

The pain of saying "no"

We received our first call this week. As soon as I heard Jen's voice on the other end, I thought "Oh God, here we go!" But then she asked if there was any chance we'd be interested in matching with a birth mom in Chicago, due with twin African-American boys, in just a couple months.

You might think the first clue we said "no" in that offer was the "twins" part, but believe it or not, we would have considered it... if the mom weren't all the way in Chicago. In truth, Jen knew what our answer would most likely be, but since twins, especially African-American twins, are very difficult to find parents for, she thought she'd give us a try. Our paperwork says we're only open to birth moms living in California, and I'm pretty sure we didn't check the box that said "twins" either, so we really shouldn't have been called in the first place. This only tells me they didn't have anyone else, and that made saying "no" really difficult.

It didn't even take us sixty seconds to decide. Having P.J makes out-of-state travel too difficult, since most states require a new baby to stay in state lines for at least 10 days. Staying in a hotel w/P.J for that long, or leaving her with someone back home for that long, just isn't an option. Not to mention the additional cost of traveling out-of-state and paying an outside agency to handle all the paperwork. We also know from experience, that turning a car around is far easier than taking a long flight home if things don't work out. But having never really set limitations on potential matches before, it still felt hard to say no. It was simple enough to tell Jen, "Chicago is a deal breaker," and she expected us to say as much. But after we hung up the phone we kept thinking about it.

Practically speaking, there's just no way we could take on twins before P.J even turns 2 yrs old, or risk flying to Chicago. We know without a doubt it was the right call. But turning down two precious children who need a home is never easy. I hope and pray those twin boys have a loving adoptive family to go home to, and I'm just a little sad it's not ours.

The past revisted

Some time ago Zach received a friend request on Facebook from Katerina, the first birth mom we were ever matched with (August 2010). For those of you that may not remember, this was by far the closest relationship we had with any of the 7 birth mothers we were matched with (to read the details you can go back to some of our very first posts on this blog). She had not made any contact with us since she made the decision to keep her baby. We heard the news from our adoption agency, just a few short weeks before the baby's due date. It being our first match and first experience EVER with a birth mom, it would have been heartbreaking no matter what, but we'd had a close, ongoing relationship with Kat for over three months.  We went to doctor's visits, found her and her 2 yr. old a place to live, supported her financially, and spoke with her on the phone at least once a week. She never showed us any signs of wavering, so when we got the call we felt betrayed and stunned. We were angry that she didn't have the "decency" or "respect for us" to call us and tell us herself. (In hindsight, of course, we realize how selfish this was on our part. Had we been in her shoes, I seriously doubt we would have had the courage to call and break the hearts of the two people who loved our baby as much as we did.)

Obviously, we moved on and experienced many more disappointments after that, but the experience with Kat hurt the most. I still think about it sometimes, and my heart aches. In hindsight, we can look back and see how God used us to help Kat and her son get to a place that was safe, a place where she could keep her baby and provide for it in a loving home. Once, a few months after I knew Kat would have given birth, I searched for her on Facebook and found pictures of her new son.. what would have been OUR son. It hurt like hell and I scolded myself for giving in to such sick curiosity. But at the same time, I was also assured that the baby was safe, healthy, and even happy. Kat looked happy too, and that gave me what I needed to move on. 

The message she sent to Zach last week read like this: 

"Hey, I was scared to contact you guys. We are good. God is good Zach. I'm very sorry for every hurt I caused you. My boys are happy and a handful. I was on your Facebook couple times, I'm so glad you are happy. Life is good..."

It's weird to receive closure long after you feel like you even need it. For months I longed to hear exactly these words from Kat, an apology and a reassurance that she and her boys are okay. I think about her and the five other birth moms we met along our journey. I think about the babies they chose to keep, and pray they are all safe and healthy. I bet they think about us sometimes too. It's satisfying to know that Kat knows we are okay, that we moved on and have a beautiful daughter, that we are all with the children we are meant to be with, whether we understand why or not. 

Mother's Day

This Sunday I will be celebrating my second Mother's Day. It's still surreal. There were many Mother's Days before Providence that I sat and cried in church as all the other moms stood up to be applauded. Even when were matched with a birth mother and expecting a child, I didn't feel much like a mother-to-be, because, at any moment, as I knew all too well, I could become a mother-that-wasn't.

Much like on Providence's birthday, I know I will think a lot about her birth mother this Sunday. I wonder about her mix of emotions. Technically she's a mother- she carried a baby for nine months and went through labor and delivery, but she went home empty-handed. That must feel strange. It might feel just as strange as it does for me. I celebrate Mother's Day even though I've never carried a child in my body and gone through the painful yet joyful experience of labor and delivery. I wasn't there the moment Providence entered the world, but her birth mom was. She will always have the moment. As difficult as it still is for me to accept that, I'm glad she has a little something to take with her. For her sake, I'm glad she has that moment to herself, to treasure and keep in her heart. I have a lifetime of moments with Providence that her birth mother will never have. I can't be jealous, I can only be grateful.

Sometimes the questions and curious looks from other parents exhaust me. I find myself swallowing a lump in my throat when I have to explain to yet another stranger that Providence is not biologically mine, that she's "at least 3/4 Filipino... we think," or that I don't know anything about her birth father. I think biological parents take it for granted that they know all the ins and outs of their kids and that they'll never get a question they can't answer. I console myself by saying that there's no way any biological child of mine would ever be as brilliant, beautiful, joyful and charming as Providence, so I actually got the better deal. :-) To be honest, I've never ONCE wished I had a biological child instead of my adopted child. The looks and questions from strangers are the only time I'm even reminded that she's not "mine." When it's just the two of us, or even with our family of three, I don't give it another thought. Providence is our daughter, one hundred percent, without question. I don't stare at her features and wish they resembled mine or Zach's, or long for her to inherit my family traits. I love everything about her, whoever her features and traits come from.

This Sunday I will think back on the moment I became a mother, because it really was just a "moment." I didn't have the nine months to transition and prepare myself. Though I'd signed paperwork and passed inspections and "nested," nothing could have prepared me for that first meeting with Providence. Just 36 hours after even knowing she existed, I became her mom. I may not have the same story and experiences as my friends who gave birth to their own children, but I know I love my daughter more than life itself, and THAT is what being a mother is all about.

Familiar but changed

"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed." -Jana Wolff, "Secrets Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother"

P.J has some news...
While it may come as a surprise to many (understandable, by the way), we've decided to enter the adoption process again and add another child to our family! After a lot of prayer and thought, we feel the Lord confirmed to us that both we and P.J are ready to grow our family.

We signed our contract with Little Angel Adoptions (the same agency we used before) just a few days ago and we'll be turning in our revised profile books this week so they can be sent to potential birth parent matches.

This decision to get back on the horse, so to speak, did not come easily. In fact, we've held off on announcing it publicly for as long as we could. To the few we have told, the response is typically, "That's exciting!" to which we say, "Is it?" Our scars are healed, but we have not forgotten the long and heartbreaking journey this road led us down before. We know this time will likely (hopefully) be different, but the excitement and anticipation we felt the first time has been replaced with reservation, caution, and realistic expectations.

It's funny what a difference three years makes on your perspective. Now that we have P.J, our every waking moment is not consumed with when we'll get that phone call and questioning God's timing and His plan. Instead, our primary focus is on being our family of three, loving our daughter with all that we have and keeping Christ the center of our home. We are waiting to adopt, yes, but even more we are waiting patiently on the Lord to work all things out for His good, not ours. If it takes no time at all or it takes forever, we are content with the gift He's given us in Providence Joy and we will continue to be grateful for her, whether she gains a sibling or not.

Our focus is to minister to the birth mom (or moms) we are matched with. We will love on her, pray for her, and help her in any way we can, regardless of the decision she makes about the child she's carrying. We will not consider that child ours until the papers are signed. In the end, we have learned that no matter how long it takes, the child we are meant to have will end up in our arms, one way or another.

To all of you who supported us, loved us, and most importantly petitioned the Lord on our behalf during our last experience, we thank you. Not a day goes by when we we don't think of all the people, both seen and unseen, who helped bring Providence to us. We trust the Lord will provide us joy once again.

A month of firsts

It's been FOUR months since we met our beautiful baby girl and brought her home. We have enjoyed watching her grow and change right before our eyes. She has developed quite the little personality, constantly making us laugh and smile. This month was full of "firsts" for P.J.

To start, she went on an airplane for the first time as we traveled to Maui for our first vacation as a family of three. ("Lola" and "Papa" generously treated us to a week at the Four Seasons Resort.) We were very anxious to travel with the baby, but, it's no surprise that she stayed true to her flexible and compliant nature- she was a DREAM the entire trip! She charmed people everywhere we went- some fellow hotel guests were even on a first name basis with her by the end of the week! :-)

While in Maui, Providence donned a swimsuit for the first time (which was so gosh darn adorable we could barely stand it!) and "swam" in a pool. We figured she'd either love it or hate, but she seemed totally unimpressed with the whole thing. Her facial expression was mostly bored, but we had fun introducing her to the water anyway. She also dipped her feet in sand for the first time and took her first boat ride (whale watching). Our favorite memory with her was watching her reaction at a luau performance. The music, colors, fire dancers and drums absolutely thrilled her! She couldn't sit still- she just had to kick and bounce! We know she won't remember a single moment, but we have photos and memories to last a lifetime. We were SO proud of our little traveler- she adjusted beautifully and maintained her laid-back temperament throughout the entire trip. (Very Hawaiian of her!) :-)

The week after our return home, Providence flipped over from back to tummy for the first time, and began sleeping through the night. We're afraid to blink, in fear of missing something else! She's also more or less weaned herself off her pacifier (it's a meltdown-only solution), and has taken to sucking on her fingers and hands. She'll occasionally grab her own bottle and feed herself (her independent nature is starting to shine through with each passing day), and she's very close to sitting up on her own (thanks to the Bumbo seat for helping her accomplish this!). We can't wait until she starts to do more and more things, but with each new milestone we are saddened- we already miss her "infant" phase.

By far our favorite thing about Providence is making her laugh. It's an absolute riot, and I still get teary eyed every time! (See the Youtube video we recently posted on Anne's facebook page.)

We love being a Momma and Daddy, more than anything in the world. It's a whole new part of our marriage that we are happily exploring. We still make time for ourselves- leaving P.J with babysitters to ensure we get our quality time alone. We know we'll be better parents and better spouses if we make that a priority. Thank you for your continued prayers for our family! We're hoping to have a court date in April or May to finalize the adoption and officially make Providence an IMBODEN! We'll keep everyone posted! :-)

Three times the fun

Providence Joy is 3 months old today- we can hardly believe it! I know she's still considered a "newborn" but I find myself already missing when she was "little." All of her newborn size clothes are officially packed away with just a few tears shed by her momma. It's a strange dichotomy- looking forward to all the things they'll be able to do in the months to come but wishing they would just stay small and dependent for a little while longer. You fellow mommas understand, I'm sure.

This month P.J has startled to giggle and squeal in delight... our cups are overflowing. We could listen to her baby babble for hours and never tire of it. She's developed a taste for music- there are certain songs I can count on to get a smile ("I'm a Little Teacup" is #1). She's also getting ridiculously close to flipping herself over from back to tummy. Best of all, she has a very predictable routine. We can count on her "happy" and "fussy" times, mid-morning and afternoon naps, all like clockwork. This rhythm she's fallen into has been a gift to her Mom and Dad. :-) In turn, we've also learned what throws off her groove- too much stimulation from longs days with family, unfamiliar faces first thing in the morning, or missing her 30 minutes of "play time" in the morning with Momma... and of course the rare occasion when Momma's need for Starbucks supersedes P.J's need for a bottle. :-) She received her first set of vaccines and handled it like a little soldier. We had prepared ourselves for a long day of tears and fussiness, but the tears shed during the injections were the first and last for the entire day. She was a little lethargic and clingy, but that was the worst of it (if you can even call it that).

I've re-joined the MOPS group at church every other week (a mom's group for encouragement and recharging of the batteries) after a year long hiatus during our multiple failed adoption attempts. I can't tell you how great it feels to be back under much better circumstances. I love the "club" that is motherhood, but in a way I still feel a bit on the outskirts. I'm the only momma in the group who hasn't experienced a pregnancy and can't speak about how much my child looks like me or reminds me of myself when I was her age. I can't say with certainty that she'll probably do things "just like her daddy" or have a knack for things like her grandmother. I have no idea which side of her family her gorgeous brown eyes come from or her long fingers, and I couldn't say if she'll be more prone to music or sports. I don't know what health issues run in her family and what she may or may not be at risk for. There are a lot of conversations among other moms that I still can't join in on, and it's hard.

I couldn't love Providence more if I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her myself, and it breaks my heart that I can't know her wholly and completely, nor will I ever be able to help her fill in the blanks of her own family history. There will be so much about herself she will never know, and as her mother I can't provide for her. When Zach and I dedicated her to the Lord in front of our church family last Sunday, my prayer and desire for her was this: May she be content knowing she is a child of God, loved by Christ and loved by me and Zach. May she determine her value by who God says she is, not who the world says she is. I pray her identity in Christ is always enough for her, even when she longs to know more about her biological family.