We got a phone call from the awesome adoptive parent coordinator at Little Angels (Khimm) the other day. She was overwhelmingly apologetic for the complete lack of communication between Jennifer and us. The last we heard from Jennifer was November 18th when she told us she'd call the maternity home and insist that Kat call us herself. Since then we've been curious to know what Kat's plans are regarding moving back to the Czech Republic. We simply just want to know where she is. Khimm acknowledged that we've been out of the loop and Little Angels needs to make a stronger effort in making us feel like we're a priority. We sincerely appreciated that. Unfortunately, she had no real answers for us. Apparently Jennifer has left dozens of messages at the maternity home with no reply. This was really upsetting to us because we felt we had a good relationship with Teresa, the home director, and that it's unprofessional to leave us hanging like that. Jennifer could only assume that Kat requested the maternity home have zero contact with us or Little Angels- why else would Teresa not call back? As frustrating as it was to hear that news, at least we knew a strong effort had been made and it was simply out of their hands.
That night I let curiosity get the best of me (never a good thing), and I checked out Kat's facebook page (we are not "friends" but I am able to see her wall & info). I had to use a translation website to figure out what her status updates said. On Christmas Eve she posted that she was in the Czech Repulic... I quickly deduced this must mean the baby had already been born. On November 16th when she changed her mind, she was well into her third trimester and it's my understanding that flying during that time in your pregnancy is strongly discouraged. Unless something unforeseen occured, she probably had the baby here and flew home shortly after.
It took me an entire day before I told Zach what I found out. When I did we just sat and cried. It tears me apart to know we would have had our son for Christmas... In a strange way though, it relieves us to know he's already been born and we no longer have to wonder every day around his due date. It takes the pressure off somehow. Now, rather than share our wedding anniversary with the sadness of his due date, we can simply celebrate our marriage and close that chapter all together. It's over. Kat is gone and the baby is with her. No more wondering if she just might change her mind. No more wondering if he has arrived or not. It's time for us to truly move forward... and Zach is making me block Kat on facebook so that I won't be bitten by the curiosity bug again. :-)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wait (For a Miracle)
I bought Zach a new cd by Jason Castro for Christmas, and while listening to it during our many hours of Christmas Day driving, we stumbled upon this song. It brought us both to tears. It's called "Wait (For a Miracle)"...
Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows
Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle
Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle
Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows
Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle
Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle
Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Four weeks ago today we found out Caleb would not come home with us. While time has numbed the pain and in many ways we feel as we've come out the other side, last night we realized how much we are still struggling.
This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.
Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.
We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.
I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?
Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.
This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.
Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.
We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.
I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?
Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
2 weeks later
So many of you have been checking in with us over the last two weeks, asking us how we're "really" doing...
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.
Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.
Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.
We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.
Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.
Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.
We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
5 days later
It's hard to know where to even begin. These last five days have been such a roller coaster of emotions for us. For now we are trying to walk that fine line between embracing support & letting people help us, and turning inwards to cry & grieve in the sanctuary of our marriage and home. We don't want to isolate ourselves, but we don't want to force ourselves to be more social than we're ready for either. While it seems we're in a place where we can clearly articulate how we're doing without tearing up, we know there are still challenges that await us in this grief process. We have yet to open the nursery door, and we know that whenever we're matched with a new birth mom we'll have a mountain to climb in regards to trusting again.
The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.
We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.
On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.
Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.
The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.
We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.
On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.
Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to...
'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me to closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to...
It may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to..." 'If You Want Me To' -Ginny Owens
"A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'
... but You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'" 'Why This Road' - Ginny Owens
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to...
'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me to closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to...
It may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to..." 'If You Want Me To' -Ginny Owens
"A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'
... but You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'" 'Why This Road' - Ginny Owens
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"If He snatches away, who can stop Him? Who can say to Him, 'What are you doing?'" -Job 9:12
Yesterday I received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions. I had just finished buying Caleb some bigger sized clothes (since he seems to have an overdose of 0-3 month but nothing much beyond that) & I was in the Target parking lot. Our contact, Jennifer, was in tears as she told me that Katerina had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby... I felt the wind being knocked out of me. Speechless, I listened to Jennifer explain as best she could what had happened.
Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.
Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.
Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.
In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.
I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.
Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10
We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.
Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.
Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.
Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.
In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.
I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.
Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10
We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.
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