"Jesus Calling"

My friend Julie gave me a daily devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. She told me she thought it would be good for me. The last thing I felt like doing was another devotional book, especially one that would try to tell me to simply trust in God's plan. Begrudgingly I opened the book yesterday (after it had been sitting on my coffee table for nearly a week). As usual, Julie was right. It was good for me. This morning's devotional reads:

"Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of a problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me; the Perfect One.

It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way."

Woah.

Praying for His desire, not ours, and how much that sucks

Last night our life group had a big discussion, touching on several different things. One friend brought up her fears and how they keep her from trusting God at times. I understood this completely. Over the last two months since we lost Caleb, my heart has been nearly consumed in fear. Rather than cling to the hope that God will give us another baby, I've been fearful that losing Caleb is just the tip of iceberg. Now that something so dear to me has been taken away, what's to say God won't allow me to lose Zach, our house, our jobs, our family members? If Zach is late coming home from work I wonder if something terrible has happened to him, and if that's why we couldn't have Caleb (because God knew I couldn't raise a child on my own). I know it's awful to live in that sort of constant skepticism, and I know it's simply Satan preying on my discouragement.

Our life group also talked about cultivating our heart for God- how the process can be a long one, much like farmers and their crops. Sometimes they experience droughts or heavy flooding, all of which they cannot control. They simply have to remain patient and wait for the good crop to come. We related this to Zechariah & Elizabeth, Abraham & Sarah, and so many others in the Bible who waited and waited and waited for the desire of their hearts to be fulfilled. Some find these to be stories of hope, while I feel completely and totally discouraged. Who can honestly say they're content to wait on the Lord for as long as it takes? I know I can't. I wait because I have no other choice. I trust Him because turning my back on Him is not an option (not for me anyway). But I'm not happy about it.

When all our friends had left I sat on the couch with Zach and confessed my doubts, fears, and my dozens of unanswered questions. Through my tears I told him how tired I was of feeling so sad all the time. I can't seem to shake the dark clouds around my heart. I realized that I've pretty much stopped talking to God about my desire for a baby. I still pray for others, but when it comes to my own needs, I feel like it's a waste of time to keep reminding God how much I want a child. He knows. He sees the sadness my heart has sunk into, and I think if I keep asking Him every day without an answer, my disappointment will grow.

My good friend Julie suggested I start praying for God to change the desire of my heart to match His desire for me. If God and I want the same things for me, then my anger and cynicism toward Him would be no longer. It makes sense, but it would also require me letting go of my desire to be a mother. Releasing that to a God who I struggle with trusting is more than I can do right now, but I know it's the only way out of the clouds.

Zach told me after all my venting, that he sees my relationship with God becoming more and more real. No longer am I praying and reading my Bible to check them off the list, or to even win Him over so that I'll get what I want. Instead, I'm giving it to Him straight, unedited, whether He likes it or not. I'm David when he wrote the Psalms, and that's a good place to be.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed I noticed Zach had ventured down the hall and into the baby's room. I found him sitting in the rocking chair, just staring. He asked, "How do you feel when you come in this room?" I simply said, "I don't want to feel anything when I come in this room," but as I began surveying the empty crib, the folded up stroller, the dresser stuffed full with new clothes, and the high chair still in its box an enormous amount of fear crept into my heart. I began thinking, 'What if these things never get used? What if all this stuff we bought in preparation just sits here continuing to collect dust? What if this room will sit here in wait for a baby that never comes?' I started to cry, and cry, and cry until I was sobbing in the same way I had the day we found out we lost the baby. All the pain and sadness swept over me as if for the first time.
Finally I said to Zach, "What if we're one of those couples that never has children? What if God's plan is that this never happens for us?" The possibility of that was almost too much to bear. But then it occurred to me, when has anything in my life gone exactly according to my plan? Hasn't God tried to teach me this lesson of letting go so many times before? Why on earth did I think everything was going to run so smoothly and fall right into place with Kat?
Zach tried to be reassuring, talking about looking forward to the future, and all I could think was, 'We had a future. Caleb was our future. And now it's gone.' I don't know where to look from here. So many people have tried to reassure us that the right baby will come along and all will be well, but how can they know? No one knows God's plan for us but God, and it's the most helpless feeling in the world.

The problem with "still"

"People imagine that missing a loved one works kind of like missing cigarettes. The first day is really hard but the next day is less hard and so forth, easier and easier the longer you go on. But instead it's like missing water. Every day, you notice the person's absence more."

-Poppy, Back When We Were Grownups by Anne Tyler

To those of you who have understood not to ask us if we are "still" having a hard time... we thank you.

No more wondering

We got a phone call from the awesome adoptive parent coordinator at Little Angels (Khimm) the other day. She was overwhelmingly apologetic for the complete lack of communication between Jennifer and us. The last we heard from Jennifer was November 18th when she told us she'd call the maternity home and insist that Kat call us herself. Since then we've been curious to know what Kat's plans are regarding moving back to the Czech Republic. We simply just want to know where she is. Khimm acknowledged that we've been out of the loop and Little Angels needs to make a stronger effort in making us feel like we're a priority. We sincerely appreciated that. Unfortunately, she had no real answers for us. Apparently Jennifer has left dozens of messages at the maternity home with no reply. This was really upsetting to us because we felt we had a good relationship with Teresa, the home director, and that it's unprofessional to leave us hanging like that. Jennifer could only assume that Kat requested the maternity home have zero contact with us or Little Angels- why else would Teresa not call back? As frustrating as it was to hear that news, at least we knew a strong effort had been made and it was simply out of their hands.

That night I let curiosity get the best of me (never a good thing), and I checked out Kat's facebook page (we are not "friends" but I am able to see her wall & info). I had to use a translation website to figure out what her status updates said. On Christmas Eve she posted that she was in the Czech Repulic... I quickly deduced this must mean the baby had already been born. On November 16th when she changed her mind, she was well into her third trimester and it's my understanding that flying during that time in your pregnancy is strongly discouraged. Unless something unforeseen occured, she probably had the baby here and flew home shortly after.

It took me an entire day before I told Zach what I found out. When I did we just sat and cried. It tears me apart to know we would have had our son for Christmas... In a strange way though, it relieves us to know he's already been born and we no longer have to wonder every day around his due date. It takes the pressure off somehow. Now, rather than share our wedding anniversary with the sadness of his due date, we can simply celebrate our marriage and close that chapter all together. It's over. Kat is gone and the baby is with her. No more wondering if she just might change her mind. No more wondering if he has arrived or not. It's time for us to truly move forward... and Zach is making me block Kat on facebook so that I won't be bitten by the curiosity bug again. :-)

Wait (For a Miracle)

I bought Zach a new cd by Jason Castro for Christmas, and while listening to it during our many hours of Christmas Day driving, we stumbled upon this song. It brought us both to tears. It's called "Wait (For a Miracle)"...

Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows

Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go

Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle

Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle

Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now

Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far

Four weeks ago today we found out Caleb would not come home with us. While time has numbed the pain and in many ways we feel as we've come out the other side, last night we realized how much we are still struggling.

This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.

Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.

We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.

I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?

Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.