P.J's second month

Everyone keeps telling us how quickly time flies with a newborn and to cherish every minute because they change SO fast. It's completely true. Looking back at the pictures we took of Providence that first week, we are shocked at how much she has grown and changed. Our sweet P.J continues to be very easygoing and for that we are eternally grateful. She's not sensitive to loud noises or dead quiet, nor does she have difficulty sleeping at night or eating or digesting or... well really anything. She truly is a JOY. Her personality is shining through more and more each day and we love to see how truly happy she is just about all of the time. She DOES cry and DOES have her fussy time of the day (most people don't believe us when we tell them this), but those moments are short-lived. Generally she's content to just "chill." :)

In her second month she's learned how to smile which has brought tears to her mommy's eyes and laughter to us all. She was slow to figure it out but now she's a frequent smiler and we LOVE it. She no longer throws a fit when placed on her changing table or when given a bath; she's happy just to be wherever we are, whatever we're doing to her. :) She LOVES to look at bright colors and lights- the Christmas tree was her favorite focus point for the entire month of December and we were sad to take it down today for her sake. We took her out several times to look at Christmas lights and it was such fun to see her little eyes get as big as saucers. She's also making all sorts of noises and if I didn't know better I'd swear she's days away from her first word. :) Every few days she makes a new vowel or consonant sound that surprises and delights even herself.

Her biggest milestone (for all three of us really) was making the switch to sleeping with Mommy & Daddy for most of the night to sleeping in her own crib. She's transitioned beautifully and is able to put herself to sleep in her own bed and stay there for almost the entire night- a big step for us all! She's also finally begun to enjoy her bouncer and her swing- two items rendered obsolete for the first 7 weeks of her life. She especially loves to sit in her bouncer on the kitchen table and watch Mommy cook dinner. We continue to work on her "tummy time" and we're anxious to see all her hard work pay off when she can hold herself up and flip over.

While all of these little changes and milestones are fun and we are certainly aren't taking a single one for granted, I think what I find the most fulfilling is those quiet moments with her. Reading her a bedtime story from my grandfather's rocking chair in the corner of her room, and pausing to look around at all the things that were collecting dust for so long. Her room represented sadness and loss for such a long time, and I spent many hours crying in a heap in the middle of her floor, wondering if there would ever be a child to rock to sleep there. Now, in the stillness of the night when it's just me and my daughter, I look around and remember what her room USED to be, and I close my eyes in gratitude to the One who worked all things together for my good.

Our first month as a family of THREE!

First we would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who has visited, brought meals, and showered us with gifts over this past month! We are so blessed by your generosity! Each week we are made aware of yet another stranger who has been praying for us through our journey- we've received gifts and checks in the mail from these fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who we don't even know, and we are in awe. We are humbled by how far our story has reached. Sweet Providence Joy will forever be told of how many people prayed her into our family.

It's hard to believe we've been parents to P.J for an entire month now! Though we prayed and prepared for years, it was still overwhelming to have our lives turned upside down in a mere 36 hours! We are overjoyed to put the long and difficult road behind us (though we know we are headed for a whole new kind of journey now!). It's interesting to see how quickly we've healed from our nearly 3 year journey of trying to have a family. Providence has washed away the pain and sadness. Oh we still remember... we will always remember what we went through, but it feels like a distant dream rather than an open wound. God is the ultimate Healer.

It took me a couple days to really attach to Providence. A big part of me wasn't ready to believe she was really ours. After everything we'd been through, it didn't seem possible to be happy. God pulled me out of that phase pretty quickly though and now I can't get enough of her. I love snuggling with her and watching her make all kinds of funny faces. I love it when she locks eyes with me and hangs on my every word. I love the rewarding feeling of hearing all her cries subside the second I pick her up. I love singing her lullabies (Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" is my favorite). She knows I'm her mom and there is no better feeling in the world.

Providence has such a good temperament. We are blessed to have an "easy" baby. She sleeps and eats really well, no real issues with indigestion, fussiness, or sensitivity. She loves to just "chill." :-)

Everyone is asking us how we're adjusting to the lack of sleep. They ask with a cringe on their face as if they already know we're going to say how tough it's been. While it IS a challenge, I have yet to feel discouraged or frustrated by it. Every time Providence cries, no matter the hour, I am reminded how hard it was for me to hear my other mommy friends complain about their little ones when I would've given anything to have a reason to get up at 3am. I am reminded how fervently I prayed for a child and all that comes with it. How can I be anything but joyful?!

We are amazed at how much she's changed since the day we brought her home. She's gained weight, grown taller and stronger, and she already seems to have a little personality. She's had her first bath, cried her first real tears, and had her first outing (many actually). She can lift her head up and hold it steady, and she can flip herself halfway from her back to her tummy. She even had her first big smile (it was probably involuntary) and it brought me to tears. :-) She is constantly making us laugh and smile. She is living up to her name- giving us joy!

The first couple weeks I felt guilty because I wasn't really thinking of Providence's birthmom at all. In fact, I was so wrapped up in my own transition into motherhood that I sort of forgot all about her. Now that I'm settled in to our new life, I think of Jacquelyn often. I wonder how she is coping in the wake of her decision and I thank God she had the courage to go through with it. I find myself wishing we had met her at least once. I would love to know what she looks like and have some sense of her personality. Instead all we have is some paperwork she filled out for our agency but it doesn't reveal much. I hope one day she decides she'd like some pictures or updates about the baby, but I'm not betting on it. I can pray for her though, and I do every day.

Sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning

We've been waiting a LONG time to finally post this announcement on our blog.... we have adopted a baby girl!!! Providence Joy was born on Tuesday, November 1st at 1:56am. She is 6lbs. 3oz. and 19" long. She is Filipino, and she has lots of beautiful black hair and gorgeous chocolate brown eyes.

We got a call from our adoption agency on the 1st and we were told there was a baby girl just born in Anaheim (abt. a 7hr. drive south for us) who needed parents! We were also told she was perfectly healthy, passed all her tests with flying colors, and most importantly she did not test tox-positive for drugs or alcohol. The birthmom, Jacquelyn, did not want to parent the baby- she didn't know she was pregnant until she was 28 weeks along, and when she found out she asked for an abortion. Thankfully, she was too far along for them to terminate the pregnancy. Jacquelyn kept the pregnancy from everyone except her two best friends, Sarah & Marvel. When she went into labor she told her family she was going out of town so they wouldn't know where to find her or what was happening.

Zach and I proceeded cautiously, and decided to drive down to Anaheim the following morning. We were told both baby and mom would be discharged that day. The entire drive down we were getting more and more anxious. Every hour we didn't get a phone call with bad news, was a step in the right direction. We arrived at the hospital before noon and we met up with the hospital social worker. We were told Jacquelyn had already met with a social worker from the adoption agency the night before, and everything still looked good. She would be signing off her rights that afternoon, before she was discharged from the hospital.

A few hours later we were told Jacquelyn had signed the papers and they would be sent to Dept. of Social Services first thing in the morning- once that was done we were basically in the clear. (The birth father is unknown, so his rights will be automatically terminated by the court.) The weight on our shoulder began to lift...

There were lots of delays throughout the day, so we weren't able to meet the baby until early that evening. We tried to kill time as best we could, but it was difficult. While in the hospital waiting room, Sarah & Marvel (Jacquelyn's friends) found us. They were incredibly sweet and very emotional. They told us Jacquelyn didn't want to meet us herself, but they just had to talk to us. Through tears they shared with us how excited they were for us and they told us Jacquelyn knew we were the right parents the minute she saw our picture on our profile book. She understood this baby would never get the same opportunities if she kept her. Sarah and Marvel also said they'd been loving on the baby during her time in the hospital nursery and they'd also talked to her a lot while she was still in Jacquelyn's tummy. They took lots of pictures and even wrote the baby letters (which they'll give to our adoption agency for us to keep). They told us Jacquelyn comes from a very broken and dysfunctional family that would not be supportive of her pregnancy. She also is working and going to school, and simply unable to provide for a child. Sarah and Marvel were the only two people who knew about the pregnancy and they'd stood by her through the entire process. We expressed our gratitude to them for all they'd done and told them how great it was to know Jacquelyn would have a strong support during the days after. We knew there were no adequate words, but we asked them to tell Jacquelyn how profoundly grateful we were for what she was doing. They'd

read our profile book and they were so excited that we were Christians (they were too!) and they asked if they could pray with us. That is a moment I will never forget- Zach, myself, Sarah and Marvel joined hands in the hospital waiting room and prayed together for Jacquelyn and for the life of this child. It was a gift from God. The peace and assurance we felt after that encounter was priceless.

Soon after the social worker escorted us into the nursery to meet our baby girl. It was overwhelming. We were taken aback by how beautiful and perfect she was. The nurse said she's perfectly healthy, no concerns or complications. We left the hospital soon after and brought Providence back to our hotel. The rest of the night was spent making phone calls, Skype-ing with our parents, and staring at our amazing gift.

We drove back from Anaheim the next day, Anne's 29th birthday. It was a long journey, but Providence slept the entire time! We were exhausted when we arrived home and still a bit shell-shocked that everything worked out this time! We actually have a baby after nearly 2 years of trying to adopt and another year of trying on our own. Our prayers had finally been answered. It blows our mind how quickly our lives changed in just 24 hours. We are soaking up every moment with her, with each other, and with the steady stream of visiting family and friends.

We will never be able to say 'thank you' enough to those of you (some of who we don't even know!) who have prayed us through this long and difficult journey. Without your love, support, and prayers we would never have made it this far. Providence will be told every day about the people who prayed for her long before she even existed. She is, without a doubt, the most loved child in the world. ;-)

Now we are just adjusting to parenthood! Middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, and mastering the swaddle. :-) Providence is a great eater and a wonderful sleeper. She's made our transition so smooth. We pray this will continue to be her temprament, but we know better than to assume as much. :-) She had her first doctor's appointment on Friday and everything looks great! We'll be taking her back in a couple weeks.

*To see pictures we've taken so far, visit our Facebook pages.

*If you would like to visit us, or bring a meal, please let us know and we'll make it happen!

*We are registered at Babies R Us and Landof Nod.com

Quick update

I'll make this brief as Zach and I are in a rush to get our things together and get a good night's sleep before tomorrow's journey. Here's the scoop...

We got a phone call today from our agency- a 25 yr. old mom in Anaheim (Southern CA) gave birth to a 6lb baby girl this morning, Nov 1st. Baby is completely healthy, and mom has remained detached from the beginning (baby is not rooming with mom or being fed by her). The father is unknown and therefore out of the picture. Mom is Filipino and dad was at least half Filipino. Mom's family does not know anything about the pregnancy, but she lives with her mother and siblings. She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 28 weeks along, and she tried to get an abortion when she found out. Thankfully, she was too far along to terminate the pregnancy.

She met with a social worker tonight, and she will be able to sign off her rights as soon as she gets discharged from the hospital (hopefully tomorrow morning). Baby will also be discharged tomorrow morning, so we are driving to Anaheim at the crack of dawn to be there when that happens. If all goes as we hope, we will be taking the baby home with us after mom's rights are completely terminated sometime tomorrow. We will be staying overnight there, and driving back home with the baby on Thursday (Anne's 29th birthday!!).

We are, as usual, cautiously optimistic. We will not take a real breath until the papers are signed. Anything can happen until then. Please pray we get a solid night's sleep tonight and for safe travels on the road tomorrow. Pray for peace in our hearts and that we will remain continually surrendered to the Lord's will, whatever that may be. We will post again tomorrow afternoon from the hotel, prayerfully, with our new baby girl in our arms.

Love and gratitude to you all.

A & Z <3

And one more makes six...

It's been over a month now since we went to Michigan in our fifth attempt to adopt. We've had time to process and begin healing yet again. We are angered by the choice Adrianna made; we believe it was selfish, and it was certainly not made in the best interest of the child. However, we are grateful we serve a God who allows us to exercise our free will, even when we use that freedom to make the wrong choice.

Within days after returning, we'd been matched with another birthmom, this time in New York. We were too emotionally drained to even think about investing ourselves in another match yet, so we took our time getting back to our agency. We learned that this new mom, Marnie, was in her late thirties and homeless. She was pregnant with her fourth child but she didn't have custody of her other three. (CPS took two and she adopted out the third.) The birth father had already signed off his rights, and Marnie was willing to sign off her rights before she was discharged from the hospital. She wanted a completely closed adoption- no contact with us before, during or after. This situation sounded pretty ideal to us. No risk involved. Our agency wouldn't even call us until the baby was born and the papers were signed, so we wouldn't book a flight to New York until we knew we'd be coming home with a baby. At first, Marnie didn't request much financial assistance, but because we knew she was homeless we sent her some giftcards to help her get by. When we received a copy of the paperwork she'd filled out for our agency, we saw some red flags. Mainly that she was smoking six cigarettes daily throughout her pregnancy, and that she had no prenatal care for the last six months. We also saw she had a serious history with alcohol abuse, so we weren't entirely convinced she wasn't drinking during her pregnancy as well. Her due date was not until mid-January so we knew we had some time to think through this potential health risks to the baby.

Yesterday, we received a call from our agency. They told us that Marnie met with a state worker in New York who was trying to help her get out of the homeless shelter and into a better place. The state worker helped her put a plan on paper and they came up with a dollar amount needed to put it into action. In other words, Marnie was requesting $3500 from us to help her until the baby was born.

Needless to say, we were not comfortable with this amount. Even if we had that kind of extra cash, we would not give it to her while she still has three months to change her mind about placing the baby for adoption. Unfortunately, our inability to provide Marnie with that kind of financial assistance, was a deal breaker. We had to walk away.

When I hung up the phone, I collapsed into tears. Not because we had any kind of connection to Marnie or her baby, but because I was just so unbearably frustrated. We just can't make heads or tails of what God is doing through this exhausting process. Do we give up and accept that adoption just isn't for us, or are we falling victim to the devil's discouragement? Please pray for discernment as we seek God's will for us in pursuing adoption.

The beginning of the end

We flew to Detroit, Michigan on Friday afternoon. Before departing we had a lot of paperwork to sign, get notarized, and fax. Between that, packing, and arranging things for our dog-sitter, we were pretty frantic. All the while we were just anticipating the phone call to tell us the birthmom had already changed her mind. We purchased travel insurance on our plane tickets, rental car and hotel reservations.... we weren't taking any chances. We were sort of hoping that if it was all going to fall apart, that it would happen before we got ourselves all the way out to Michigan.... that wasn't what happened. We'd spend nearly $1,000 in travel expenses before learning it was all for nothing.

We arrived near midnight in Detroit, so we talked to Adrianna (the birthmom) and asked her if she'd prefer we wait to come to the hospital in the morning. We were a bit relieved when she said 'yes.' We were exhausted and hungry, and we knew we'd feel more calm and confident if we had a good night's sleep before we faced her and the baby. We were just grateful she was still talking with us- it was a good sign. Every minute she didn't change her mind was a step forward. We didn't sleep very well that night.

The next morning we arrived at the hospital around 9am. We knew Adrianna would be meeting with the social worker from a Michigan adoption agency at 10am. (B/c it was to be an out-of-state adoption, we had to work with both a CA and a MI adoption agency, plus our own adoption lawyer, and a hospital social worker... there were a lot of people involved and a lot of checks to write- fortunately most all the money was refundable.) We tried to eat something from the hospital cafeteria but we were too anxious to eat. We went up to her room about 30 minutes before the social worker arrived. On the way up the elevator we were both so nauseas and tearful. We'd never gotten that far before...

Before entering Adrianna's room we met the hospital social worker, Sandy. She instantly made us feel comfortable and we knew she was advocating for us. We formed a fast friendship. She'd had some good talks with Adrianna already and she assured us that everything would be okay. When we met Adrianna and her mom, neither were very talkative or even seemed to be interested in who we were. It was incredibly awkward. She did, however, ask us if we'd like to see the baby (down the hall, in the nursery). We said we would, but after we left her room we decided to hold off on meeting him until she'd met with the MI agency's social worker. We ran into Sandy on our way back down the hall and she invited us into the nursery to meet the baby... we told her this was our fifth time trying to adopt and that all the moms had changed their minds on us... we were trying to be very cautious and we didn't want to see him until we felt more confident that things would pull through. When she heard this, she teared up (causing us to tear up too). She just couldn't believe we'd been through so much already.

Back down in the lobby we met with Jill (the MI agency social worker) and signed a pile of paperwork. We were blessed by her as well, in that she set us at ease immediately. She was honest and upfront, and she was very sensitive to the fact that we'd been through this before. She met with Adrianna for a couple hours, asking her some tough questions and walking her through different scenarios. When Jill met up with us afterward she said she felt pretty confident that Adrianna was set in her decision to place the baby for adoption. Though she was young (19), she understood that she simply couldn't provide for a baby without a job, education, or financial support from family. Emotionally she was struggling, but she knew adoption was the right thing to do. Jill encouraged us to spend more time with her, and though it was hard, she wanted us to meet the baby and start bonding with him. Adrianna needed to see us with him in order to feel comfortable giving him to us. I began to cry just at the suggestion. "Do you know what you're asking?" I said. I wanted to keep my wall up until I knew he was really mine to keep. I couldn't bear the thought of holding him and bonding with him only to walk away.

We filled our hours in between hospital visits with phone calls home, keeping our parents and close friends in the loop as best we could. We were exhausted in every way possible, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The stress of not knowing what the next minute or hour would be like was awful. We kept saying, "I just want to know one way or the other. If Adrianna's going to bail out, she just needs to do it already and stop wasting our time. I hate being dragged along like this!"

That evening we returned to the hospital, checked in with Adrianna and then headed to the nursery. Sandy was there to introduce us to him. He was on a breathing monitor so we couldn't pick him up (we realize now the Lord was protecting us in this way), but we could touch him and talk to him. Zach reached out right away and grabbed his little hand, stroked his thick black hair and began talking to him. I stood back and watched, completely terrified. Sandy kept saying, "It's okay, he's yours. Go ahead." But he didn't feel mine. She set us up in a private room with him and she took some pictures. We asked a lot of questions about his health, what to do when we'd have to travel with him, etc. We had been told that Adrianna smoked marijuana regularly during her pregnancy so they were keeping the baby under watch for any side effects. We spent a full hour with him, and when we left we both agreed that while he was a beautiful baby... he just didn't feel like he was ours yet (again, a protective shield from the Lord).

Adrianna was being released from the hospital the next day and we weren't sure if we'd see her again, so we stopped in her room one more time to ask her what kind of contact she'd like after the adoption. She just shrugged and said she hadn't really thought about it. We left to head back to our hotel, and we anxiously counted down the hours until she would be out of the picture so we could freely spend time with the baby and not have to step around her. From the time she would be discharged, she'd have 24 hours before signing away her parental rights to us. We knew we wouldn't be taking a deep breath until that happened.

I don't even know where to begin in writing this post. The last week has been an absolute blur, and our time here in Michigan has been the worst emotional roller coaster ride we've ever endured in our entire adoption process.

I'll start from the end and work my way backwards....

This afternoon our adoption lawyer called us, and through his tears he told us Adrianna had changed her mind. She met with the social worker (Jill) from the Michigan adoption agency and told her that nothing had really changed, she still knew that she couldn't provide for a child, but she simply wanted to be his mom. That was it. She was digging her heels in. She was being stubborn, selfish, and nineteen years old. Her mind was not on the consequences this decision would have on us, and especially not on the baby. Unfortunately, we've seen this happen so many times before. Regardless of all the obvious, practical reasons a mother may have for not being able to support a baby, her heart & emotions take over and nothing but her own selfish desires matter.

What we also found out was that because the baby tested tox-positive when he was born (Adrianna smoked marijuana consistently during her pregnancy), CPS (Child Protective Services) was informed. Apparently they are already very familiar with Adrianna's family as they have removed children from the home before (her sister's kids). It's very likely the baby will not even be discharged to Adrianna at all, but rather to a foster home. This information angers us to no end. She is knowingly placing her son in the foster system rather than with us. Nobody wins, least of all the baby. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

We are walking the tightrope of holding it together, knowing God is still in control & He will use this pain somehow some way, and also completely collapsing under the weight of the pain, frustration, and complete disbelief that we are here for the fifth time in a row.

There is so much more we will share via blog over the next few days, about how we feel about all of this, about our time here in Michigan and about the incredible support we've had from social workers, hospital staff, and most especially our friends & family who have been texting, emailing, calling & Facebooking us through this entire ordeal. Without your prayers we could not stand. In the meantime we are feeling your prayers and are grateful for your support.