Zach is struggling with anger and bitterness. It's not fair having children seems to come so easily to others and not to us. It's not fair we prayed for nothing more than for a child, trusting it to the Lord, and we've been denied three times. It's not fair Chrystal's mother was released from jail for the exact 24 hours needed to ruin our lives. It's just not fair.
I feel I simply have nothing to say to God. I'm at a loss for words. Sure I have questions (like, "How will you disappoint me next?") and I don't understand His ways, but that's nothing new. I know if I open my Bible or let the words of a worship song touch my heart, I won't be ready to accept it. I'm not ready to hear anything God has to say to me yet. "For a prescribed or even infinite time, we're scriptless, and that's all right. We can stop, call a time out, breathe. Nobody else knows our prescribed path anyway, except for the One who created everything. If we can't hear him right now, he'll wait-and speak when our ears open." Judith Couchman, "The Shadow of His Hand"
And so it seems appropriate to refer to God as the beloved enemy.
"God, the beloved enemy. Our enemy because, before giving us everything, before giving us life, he demands our lives- our selves, our will, our treasure." -Frederick Buechner, "The Magnificent Defeat"
God has demanded we give Him our will, our treasure three times now, and I just don't know how to reconcile that with a God who loves us and wants what's best.
