Why we stay silent

I broke my silence with God briefly in the early morning hours Saturday morning. While laying on the bathroom floor in a cold sweat, experiencing intense abdominal pain, I simply prayed, "Ok Lord, You've got my attention." After spending hours in the ER enduring painful and invasive exams it was determined a cyst on my left ovary had burst. Luckily it caused no permanent damage to my fertility and no surgery was needed. Upon returning home after 4am, we collapsed into bed and together we simply prayed, "Lord thanks for protecting Anne." It was hard, but we felt we should thank Him just in case He actually had anything to do with it.

While talking last night I think we came to the conclusion that Zach's silence toward God is based more on anger and frustration. Mine is based on self-preservation. It sounds dumb because who really needs protection from God? But I've developed the mindset that if I don't ask Him, He can't say 'no.' I think that's why I've stopped praying. I'm so tired of being disappointed with the outcome. Maybe if I stop asking Him for a baby, it won't hurt as much when He doesn't give one to me day after day. Secretly I'm hoping that if I stop praying to be a mother, just maybe I'll stop wanting it so much. Just maybe I can forget about it and not go to bed every night feeling the loss and disappointment all over again.

We read another chapter in "The Shadow of His Hand" last night. It included John 15:5 from The Message. "If you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon." This reminded me of other verses that say, "The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective," or "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick man well." It sounds like such a simple formula. Faith + righteousness= answered prayer To which I ask, 'So if my prayers aren't answered, does that mean I am lacking in faith or righteousness?' It can't be that black and white. Over the last two years since we've started trying to have family, I have prayed every kind of prayer. I've prayed with total and complete faith, believing in my heart of hearts God was going to act. I've prayed in a state of surrender, giving it over to the Lord and letting go of my own will. I've prayed with petition, begging and pleading repeatedly until I just couldn't ask anymore. After it all I still remained childless. And the kicker for me is that God knows how it feels to lose a child. He gets it. He understands the heartache, and yet He allows us to go through it, not just once, but multiple times. Zach and I have said before that we wouldn't wish this kind of pain on our worst enemy. It's hard to understand why God "wishes" it on us.