Providence Joy is 3 months old today- we can hardly believe it! I know she's still considered a "newborn" but I find myself already missing when she was "little." All of her newborn size clothes are officially packed away with just a few tears shed by her momma. It's a strange dichotomy- looking forward to all the things they'll be able to do in the months to come but wishing they would just stay small and dependent for a little while longer. You fellow mommas understand, I'm sure.This month P.J has startled to giggle and squeal in delight... our cups are overflowing. We could listen to her baby babble for hours and never tire of it. She's developed a taste for music- there are certain songs I can count on to get a smile ("I'm a Little Teacup" is #1). She's also getting ridiculously close to flipping herself over from back to tummy. Best of all, she has a very predictable routine. We can count on her "happy" and "fussy" times, mid-morning and afternoon naps, all like clockwork. This rhythm she's fallen into has been a gift to her Mom and Dad. :-) In turn, we've also learned what throws off her groove- too much stimulation from longs days with family, unfamiliar faces first thing in the morning, or missing her 30 minutes of "play time" in the morning with Momma... and of course the rare occasion when Momma's need for Starbucks supersedes P.J's need for a bottle. :-) She received her first set of vaccines and handled it like a little soldier. We had prepared ourselves for a long day of tears and fussiness, but the tears shed during the injections were the first and last for the entire day. She was a little lethargic and clingy, but that was the worst of it (if you can even call it that).
I've re-joined the MOPS group at church every other week (a mom's group for encouragement and recharging of the batteries) after a year long hiatus during our multiple failed adoption attempts. I can't tell you how great it feels to be back under much better circumstances. I love the "club" that is motherhood, but in a way I still feel a bit on the outskirts. I'm the only momma in the group who hasn't experienced a pregnancy and can't speak about how much my child looks like me or reminds me of myself when I was her age. I can't say with certainty that she'll probably do things "just like her daddy" or have a knack for things like her grandmother. I have no idea which side of her family her gorgeous brown eyes come from or her long fingers, and I couldn't say if she'll be more prone to music or sports. I don't know what health issues run in her family and what she may or may not be at risk for. There are a lot of conversations among other moms that I still can't join in on, and it's hard.
I couldn't love Providence more if I carried her for 9 months and gave birth to her myself, and it breaks my heart that I can't know her wholly and completely, nor will I ever be able to help her fill in the blanks of her own family history. There will be so much about herself she will never know, and as her mother I can't provide for her. When Zach and I dedicated her to the Lord in front of our church family last Sunday, my prayer and desire for her was this: May she be content knowing she is a child of God, loved by Christ and loved by me and Zach. May she determine her value by who God says she is, not who the world says she is. I pray her identity in Christ is always enough for her, even when she longs to know more about her biological family.
