Monday, November 3, 2014
P.J's birthday
This weekend we celebrated Providence's 3rd birthday. While each year is filled with fun celebrations and sharing of fond memories of when P.J first joined our family, I'm still flooded with thoughts of her birth mother, Jacquelyn, this time every year. As Zach and I fell into bed on Saturday night after a day full of celebrating P.J, I got hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not for me, but for Jacquelyn. I thought about what this day means for her, what she may have been feeling or thinking all day, and my heart grieved for her. Every year on P.J's birthday I am struck with the profound conflict of what joy we gained by Jacquelyn's greatest sacrifice. I began to cry as I tried to imagine how painful and difficult a decision it was for her to entrust her beautiful baby girl to someone else, forever, with no take-backs. My heart ached for her as I thought of our daughter and the beautiful little girl she's growing up to be, and I was so very aware of all that Jacquelyn was missing. I tried to articulate my feelings to Zach, and as I fumbled through them, I ended up just saying, "Let's pray for Jacquelyn. Right now." So I took my heap of feelings and mixed up emotions to the Lord, and I prayed for the woman who carried my daughter and gave her life. I prayed specifically that she has found healing, mercy and abundant peace over her decision, and that she is free from the weight of guilt and shame. I prayed that in these last three years she's been able to move forward with her life and find great blessings and success in all she does. I prayed that somehow she'd found the courage to tell her own family about that baby she gave up for adoption, and that her confession was received with unconditional support and compassion. I'm often tempted to write Jacquelyn and just thank her for her brave and selfless choice, and to assure her that we not taking it for granted. But I know that any kind of communication or relationship between us needs to begin with her. I hope that someday she'll open the door, even just a crack, but if not, I hope she finds peace and closure anyway. We will continue to feel grateful and celebrate the sacrifice Jacquelyn made year after year. And even more importantly, we will continue to pray blessings over her life, because she is the reason our lives changed for the better.
Monday, October 20, 2014
Back in the game
We're back! We took a very long break from the blog, (and from the adoption process) due to some major life changes for our little family. It probably goes without saying, but the birth mom we wrote about in our last post, did not move forward with her decision to place her baby for adoption. After that we got a few other phone calls, but nothing felt like the right fit for us. Later in the spring Zach accepted a position at a church in Tucson, Arizona, and we moved our family to the Southwest on July 3rd. With the move taking over our life for a season, we put our adoption contract on hold while we transitioned to life in the desert. Now that we've been here over three months, we feel ready to get back in the game.
The process for pursuing adoption looks a bit different (and frankly, a LOT easier) here in Arizona. After spending several weeks updating our profile books to be sent to potential birth mom matches, we got in touch with a social worker to begin our new home study. (Unfortunately, even though we have a current, completed home study in California, it doesn't transfer to a new state, and we need to complete a new study before we can be matched with any more birth moms.) We were relieved to learn that our adoption agency knew a social worker in our area of Arizona that they had worked with before, and we were even more relieved to learn that the home study process here is far simpler, quicker, and less expensive than what we'd come to know in California. With an almost-three-year-old craving our constant attention this time around, we're so glad the home study process will be far less demanding.
Our application is complete, our fees are paid, and now we just need to schedule 2 visits with our social worker and complete a basic physical with our physicians. That's it! We should be done before Christmas and we'd like to have our agency begin sending our profile books out by New Years.
After such a long break from the process and so many major changes taking place in our lives the last few months, it feels very surreal to be back at it. As I was filling out the mountain of paperwork for our home study last weekend I was reminded how much this process demands of us both mentally and emotionally, and I began to feel fearful of opening ourselves up to it all over again. Will we have the energy and emotional stamina to endure it this time? We have a 3 year old that takes priority and we don't have the strong support system of long-term friends and immediate family nearby that we had during the last round. We're still getting our bearings here in Tucson, are we really ready to take on everything that this might entail? I was feeling so uncertain, until I heard P.J start talking about being a big sister. :-)
Over the last month whenever we've sat down to dinner as a family, P.J has talked about having a brother or sister. We hadn't talked to her about pursuing another adoption yet. The timeline for adoption is so unpredictable that we didn't want to broach the subject with her until we knew we were really back in the game. So for P.J to start talking about having a sibling out of the blue, baffled us a bit. In the last couple weeks she's talked in great detail about how much she's going to help with the baby and all the things she'll do with her little brother or sister. Without any encouragement from us she's developed such a beautiful little heart for her future sibling. We are so amazed to see how God is already shaping her and preparing her for the growth of our family.
The process for pursuing adoption looks a bit different (and frankly, a LOT easier) here in Arizona. After spending several weeks updating our profile books to be sent to potential birth mom matches, we got in touch with a social worker to begin our new home study. (Unfortunately, even though we have a current, completed home study in California, it doesn't transfer to a new state, and we need to complete a new study before we can be matched with any more birth moms.) We were relieved to learn that our adoption agency knew a social worker in our area of Arizona that they had worked with before, and we were even more relieved to learn that the home study process here is far simpler, quicker, and less expensive than what we'd come to know in California. With an almost-three-year-old craving our constant attention this time around, we're so glad the home study process will be far less demanding.
Our application is complete, our fees are paid, and now we just need to schedule 2 visits with our social worker and complete a basic physical with our physicians. That's it! We should be done before Christmas and we'd like to have our agency begin sending our profile books out by New Years.
After such a long break from the process and so many major changes taking place in our lives the last few months, it feels very surreal to be back at it. As I was filling out the mountain of paperwork for our home study last weekend I was reminded how much this process demands of us both mentally and emotionally, and I began to feel fearful of opening ourselves up to it all over again. Will we have the energy and emotional stamina to endure it this time? We have a 3 year old that takes priority and we don't have the strong support system of long-term friends and immediate family nearby that we had during the last round. We're still getting our bearings here in Tucson, are we really ready to take on everything that this might entail? I was feeling so uncertain, until I heard P.J start talking about being a big sister. :-)
Over the last month whenever we've sat down to dinner as a family, P.J has talked about having a brother or sister. We hadn't talked to her about pursuing another adoption yet. The timeline for adoption is so unpredictable that we didn't want to broach the subject with her until we knew we were really back in the game. So for P.J to start talking about having a sibling out of the blue, baffled us a bit. In the last couple weeks she's talked in great detail about how much she's going to help with the baby and all the things she'll do with her little brother or sister. Without any encouragement from us she's developed such a beautiful little heart for her future sibling. We are so amazed to see how God is already shaping her and preparing her for the growth of our family.
Saturday, January 18, 2014
It's like riding a bike
On January 13th we were matched with a new birth mom, Jennifer. Everything we've learned about her so far is promising. There are no major concerns or "red flags." She is due with a baby girl on April 21st.
As soon as we agreed to move forward with her based on the information we were given, Zach and I looked at each other and said, "How do we do this again? It's been so long!" There were very few birth moms of the 7 we were matched with in our last process that we actually had a relationship with. Sometimes it's just easier to get a call last minute or to work with a mom who has no interest in us whatsoever. Open relationships are trickier, more fragile, and higher risk emotionally. We felt very rusty. When was the last time we'd actually spoken to a birth mom? It had been over 2 years.
We had a few days to talk and prepare. We agreed to approach this situation as we do all of them... cautiously. We have one focus right now- to love and minister to this woman and lend our support and encouragement in any way we can. Building a trust and relationship with her is our priority. We know all too well that regardless of how promising the situation seems, the decision is hers and hers alone, and won't officially be made until the baby is born.
We had our first conversation with her today over the phone and we feel it went really well. Jennifer was very talkative and made conversation easy. She had questions for us and she answered ours in great depth. She seems incredibly mature and has clearly put a lot of thought into her decision. She has a beautiful story, and regardless of the outcome, I am glad to know her.
Here's a summary of what we know:
Jennifer is 26 and has 2 children, Lucy (age 5) and Nathaniel (age 1). Each of her children, including baby-to-be, have a different birth father. She has custody of both her children and seems to be a very loving and involved mom. She is living on food stamps & other government assistance, so she simply does not have the financial means to support another child. Jennifer is an adopted child herself and she has a very positive, loving & supportive relationship with her adoptive parents. They are aware of her adoption plan for this baby and they support her completely. Jennifer met her own birth mom when she was in high school and it was a very negative experience. However, she was able to meet and build relationships with her half siblings. She'd really like to have some kind of open relationship with this baby and we've discussed that with her- there is still much to decide. She's been very open with her children about her pregnancy and plan to give this baby to a new family- we were very impressed with how she's planned and thought through the impact this will have on her children.
We ended our conversation with her today leaving the ball in her court. She's going to take some time to think about what she'd like our relationship with her to be over the next few months. We've made it clear we are open to her taking the lead and we can be as involved as much or as little as she'd like from week to week.
We, of course, would appreciate your prayers as we move forward in our relationship with Jennifer. Specifically, pray for her and the baby girl she's carrying- for their health and safety. Also pray for the Lord's continued leading in our relationship with her, that He would continue to connect us and bond us and keep our hearts focused on Him, not ourselves. May His will be done!
As soon as we agreed to move forward with her based on the information we were given, Zach and I looked at each other and said, "How do we do this again? It's been so long!" There were very few birth moms of the 7 we were matched with in our last process that we actually had a relationship with. Sometimes it's just easier to get a call last minute or to work with a mom who has no interest in us whatsoever. Open relationships are trickier, more fragile, and higher risk emotionally. We felt very rusty. When was the last time we'd actually spoken to a birth mom? It had been over 2 years.
We had a few days to talk and prepare. We agreed to approach this situation as we do all of them... cautiously. We have one focus right now- to love and minister to this woman and lend our support and encouragement in any way we can. Building a trust and relationship with her is our priority. We know all too well that regardless of how promising the situation seems, the decision is hers and hers alone, and won't officially be made until the baby is born.
We had our first conversation with her today over the phone and we feel it went really well. Jennifer was very talkative and made conversation easy. She had questions for us and she answered ours in great depth. She seems incredibly mature and has clearly put a lot of thought into her decision. She has a beautiful story, and regardless of the outcome, I am glad to know her.
Here's a summary of what we know:
Jennifer is 26 and has 2 children, Lucy (age 5) and Nathaniel (age 1). Each of her children, including baby-to-be, have a different birth father. She has custody of both her children and seems to be a very loving and involved mom. She is living on food stamps & other government assistance, so she simply does not have the financial means to support another child. Jennifer is an adopted child herself and she has a very positive, loving & supportive relationship with her adoptive parents. They are aware of her adoption plan for this baby and they support her completely. Jennifer met her own birth mom when she was in high school and it was a very negative experience. However, she was able to meet and build relationships with her half siblings. She'd really like to have some kind of open relationship with this baby and we've discussed that with her- there is still much to decide. She's been very open with her children about her pregnancy and plan to give this baby to a new family- we were very impressed with how she's planned and thought through the impact this will have on her children.
We ended our conversation with her today leaving the ball in her court. She's going to take some time to think about what she'd like our relationship with her to be over the next few months. We've made it clear we are open to her taking the lead and we can be as involved as much or as little as she'd like from week to week.
We, of course, would appreciate your prayers as we move forward in our relationship with Jennifer. Specifically, pray for her and the baby girl she's carrying- for their health and safety. Also pray for the Lord's continued leading in our relationship with her, that He would continue to connect us and bond us and keep our hearts focused on Him, not ourselves. May His will be done!
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