Just when we thought....

Last week I (Anne), had my second meltdown during this process. I signed up for MOPS at church thinking it would be a great way for me continue preparing for motherhood & gleaning from the wisdom of those who have gone before me. When I came home that morning it dawned on me just how silly I may appear to everyone else. I mean, our house is baby-proofed, our nursery is set up, our carseat is installed & I'm already joining mom's groups as if I'm going to have a baby tomorrow. When in reality, I had NO idea when the baby was coming or how long we'd be waiting. I just felt so fake. Like I was just playing pretend and trying to convince myself that if I just kept preparing maybe that would make it happen faster. I envied those pregnant moms who didn't have to give a five minute explanation as to when they'd be having kids. I began to feel very insecure about walking into MOPS in September with no baby, and clearly not showing signs of pregnancy. I cried in my husband's arms for at least thirty minutes without stopping. I just couldn't help it. I felt so helpless. Waiting for a phone call that could change your life is the most intense test of patience. In reality, we'd only been "waiting" for under 3 months, and we knew that once our home study was complete the hard part would truly begin. No more tasks to keep us busy, just waiting. I felt pretty doomed. Our home study had only been complete a day or two and here I was having a complete and total meltdown. How was I ever going to make it?

And then... Thursday morning, August 26th 2010, Zach got the phone call that changed our life. :-) A birth mom out in Maryland had chosen us to adopt her baby-to-be! I was working so Zach drove out to Folsom to bring me the good news. He showed me the paper where he'd quickly written down all the information he could from our adoption agency. Her name is Katrina & she's 29 years old. She is about 5'4" with brown hair & brown eyes. She is originally from the Czech Republic & she plans to return there after the baby is born. Her family does not know she is pregnant. She cannot afford another child (she already has a 2yr. old son) and she doesn't want her family to know anything about this baby. She is due on January 1, 2011. The birth father is half white & half African-American. He is 6'4" with black hair and brown eyes. Her relationship with him was brief & he is no longer in the picture. She has not been smoking, drinking or doing drugs at all during her pregnancy & the baby is very healthy. She loved what she saw in our profile book & she wants to speak with us.

Zach & I both agreed that on paper, this seemed like an ideal match. We got her phone number from our adoption agency and tried to reach her that same night. She proved to be very difficult to get a hold of. We found out that her cell phone reception isn't great and her service goes on and off. So after 4 days of calling, texting, and crying in frustration, she finally called us this morning. We had been so frustrated and so fearful that something had happened to her or that she'd changed her mind. It was just bad cell phone reception & nothing more, to our immense relief. I'd been so anxious about what to say to her. How do you make small talk with the woman who's giving you her child? Our adoption lawyer told us to keep it casual, get to know her but don't bombard her with questions. We were told to leave the tough questions to them. Our only job is start a relationship with her & make her feel comfortable.

Our conversation could not have gone better. Katrina was very happy & almost enthusiastic about having us raise her baby. Through tears she said she feels like she already knows us so well. Even her 2 yr. old son, Nivel, when looking through the small pile of profile books told her, "I like Annie!" She said she completely agreed with him. :-) She said things like, "Your baby is moving around a lot!" It brought us to tears hearing her describe the child inside of her as ours. She explained her situation to us and shared how difficult her few years in U.S have been for her. She's been through a lot, but she believes everything happens for a reason and that the decisions she's made & the circumstances she's been in have led her to us. She told us she believed God is great and good. We couldn't have agreed with her more.
We told her what a gift she's giving us and how courageous we think she is. We told her there were not enough words to describe how grateful we are. She told us she knew we would love the baby and give it a good home, and she know she needs to do what's best for the baby. In that decision alone she exemplified motherhood. I will never forget that.

We all agreed she will call us after each doctor's appointment and we will keep in touch as much as we can. We told her we're praying for her and to let us know if she needs anything from us. Right now I feel there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's giving us the best thing in the world, and the most precious and dearest thing to her heart. How could we deny her anything? She's e-mailing us her sonogram pictures later today. She said she'd tell her doctor that we'd like to know the baby's gender so we're hoping he'll do another sonogram for us.

We've been taking the last few days to call family & close friends, sharing our good news and asking for prayer. To those of you who have been faithfully praying for us, we cannot thank you enough. To those of you who wrote letters for our profile book, we cannot thank you enough. All of you are part of our family and part of our baby's life because of the role you've had in loving & supporting us. We will make sure our child knows just how loved and prayed for they were before they even existed!

Is the end in sight yet?

On Monday we had our final visit from our social worker. She checked us off for all our baby-proofing, car-seat installation, disaster kit, etc. She also went through about 2 hours of training with us, mostly basic child development stuff but also information specific to raising an adopted, interracial child. One of the things we discussed was the detachment an adopted child can feel from their adoptive parents, even later into their adolescence. Our social worker prepared us for the inevitable "You're not my real parents!" yelled at us at least once. Even though I know not to take something like that personally, just the thought of hearing those words from my child after the all the work we've done & will do for them, broke my heart. Real parents provide for you, love on you and give their hearts to you. I'm doing all those things for my child before he/she even exists. I can't imagine being told I'm not a "real" parent. I had to hold back my tears.

Daylyn told us she'd call in a couple weeks once she'd typed up our full report. We'll go to her office to review everything & sign off on it. At that point we'll have officially passed our home study.

However, today I received an email from Daylyn stating that while our paperwork says we're CPR certified, it does not say that we're First Aid certified. So... we need to take one last class for First Aid only. I basically fell apart. We were so close to the end. Hopefully we can get into a class within the next week or so.

I know the Lord has good and perfect timing. We just need to keep trusting in that especially on days like today when it seems the end will never quite be in sight.

Studyin' Up for Parenthood

Our social worker Daylyn came for the final interview yesterday (her one-on-one with Zach). We were hoping she would do the final home inspection while she was here, but she insisted on doing it when she returns on the 16th. So... two more weeks of living with the baby-proofing around the house & the car seat in my backseat. Not too big a deal I guess, but we were really hoping to just check it off the list yesterday. Not having the home inspection complete has felt like a dark cloud over us for the past month. As much as we like Daylyn, we're eager to bid her farewell after her FINAL visit on the 16th. What a relief it will be!

In the meantime, she left us with a couple of dvd's to watch & a book to read called "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother." I wasn't expecting much from it's pages, but after 2 hours of reading while sunbathing, I had read every page. The author shares about her real life experiences going through infertility, an independent adoption, keeping an "open" relationship with the birth mom, and raising a child of a different race. I related to so many things she expressed going through the early phases of the adoption. It was very moving. The book is very honest & eye-opening. I feel more aware, more educated, and more prepared having read it.

On the calendar next week: Our first aid & infant CPR course & our water safety course. Zach also has his physical & TB test (mine are complete). We're waiting to get our DMV clearance forms in the mail & that will be the last of our paperwork. All items for our home study will be complete as of August 16th! From there we just wait for Daylyn to type up her complete evaluation for us to review. Then she'll submit it & we'll be DONE!