No more wondering

We got a phone call from the awesome adoptive parent coordinator at Little Angels (Khimm) the other day. She was overwhelmingly apologetic for the complete lack of communication between Jennifer and us. The last we heard from Jennifer was November 18th when she told us she'd call the maternity home and insist that Kat call us herself. Since then we've been curious to know what Kat's plans are regarding moving back to the Czech Republic. We simply just want to know where she is. Khimm acknowledged that we've been out of the loop and Little Angels needs to make a stronger effort in making us feel like we're a priority. We sincerely appreciated that. Unfortunately, she had no real answers for us. Apparently Jennifer has left dozens of messages at the maternity home with no reply. This was really upsetting to us because we felt we had a good relationship with Teresa, the home director, and that it's unprofessional to leave us hanging like that. Jennifer could only assume that Kat requested the maternity home have zero contact with us or Little Angels- why else would Teresa not call back? As frustrating as it was to hear that news, at least we knew a strong effort had been made and it was simply out of their hands.

That night I let curiosity get the best of me (never a good thing), and I checked out Kat's facebook page (we are not "friends" but I am able to see her wall & info). I had to use a translation website to figure out what her status updates said. On Christmas Eve she posted that she was in the Czech Repulic... I quickly deduced this must mean the baby had already been born. On November 16th when she changed her mind, she was well into her third trimester and it's my understanding that flying during that time in your pregnancy is strongly discouraged. Unless something unforeseen occured, she probably had the baby here and flew home shortly after.

It took me an entire day before I told Zach what I found out. When I did we just sat and cried. It tears me apart to know we would have had our son for Christmas... In a strange way though, it relieves us to know he's already been born and we no longer have to wonder every day around his due date. It takes the pressure off somehow. Now, rather than share our wedding anniversary with the sadness of his due date, we can simply celebrate our marriage and close that chapter all together. It's over. Kat is gone and the baby is with her. No more wondering if she just might change her mind. No more wondering if he has arrived or not. It's time for us to truly move forward... and Zach is making me block Kat on facebook so that I won't be bitten by the curiosity bug again. :-)

Wait (For a Miracle)

I bought Zach a new cd by Jason Castro for Christmas, and while listening to it during our many hours of Christmas Day driving, we stumbled upon this song. It brought us both to tears. It's called "Wait (For a Miracle)"...

Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows

Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go

Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle

Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle

Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now

Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far

Four weeks ago today we found out Caleb would not come home with us. While time has numbed the pain and in many ways we feel as we've come out the other side, last night we realized how much we are still struggling.

This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.

Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.

We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.

I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?

Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.

2 weeks later

So many of you have been checking in with us over the last two weeks, asking us how we're "really" doing...
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.

Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.

Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.

We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.