The thing about it being a year later is...

*Negative griping and moaning ahead*

So it's officially been one full year since we began our adoption journey/process/rollercoaster/whatever. To be completely honest we just never thought we'd still be waiting one year later. And of course we NEVER thought we'd have four matches and no baby in just one year time. Someone said to us a while back, "Well at least you keep getting picked! That means your profile book is really good and you're likable!" I don't really know which is worse- going an entire year without being matched, or going an entire year with four matches that didn't work out. It's pretty depressing either way.

Unfortunately with the one year anniversary of our beginning comes expensive renewals. Our homestudy, for instance, needs to be renewed (for the ridiculous cost of $900, more than half of what it cost to do the initial homestudy). Our social worker paid us a visit last week because she'd told us over the phone that the renewal needed to take place within 1 year of the time we started the process. (We started the homestudy in May '10 and finished Aug '10.) However when she arrived she told us we didn't need to sign off on anything until this fall... making her visit completely pointless because she'll just have to come back out in a few months and re-do her review. I spent HOURS preparing our house for her walk-through, just as I had done a year ago. I baby-proofed everything (again) and re-purchased the endless list of items we needed for our "disaster kit," thinking she could just check it off and I wouldn't need to worry about it again until after we had a baby. The homestudy itself is difficult enough, and while the renewal is far less extensive than the initial homestudy, it's still hard to endure. I really struggle welcoming a complete stranger into my home (who is the same age as me and has no children of her own) to determine whether or not we are capable of being good parents, based on a checklist and a million personal questions that would otherwise be none of her business. Most parents don't need to jump through any hoops or get approved by anyone in order to have their child. The entire thing is so invasive and aggravating. This young social worker holds all the power for those few hours- whatever she writes on her paper will determine whether or not we're allowed to adopt. I had tons of anxiety about it, and I'll admit my attitude was already terrible by the time she arrived. I just hated that we had to do it all over again because in 1 year and 4 matches we still had no baby.

Along with renewing our homestudy, our agency continues to ask us for more copies of our profile books. We gave them 20 when we began the process last year, and in the last 2 months we've had to give them 16 more. They're sending them out like crazy, which is good I suppose, but it's very expensive for us to keep making more. (22 color-copied pages + a 12 sleeve presentation folder= abt. $15 per book) Not to mention that sitting down to assemble them all and then drive 30 minutes to the agency office is a tedious and horribly depressing task.

Finally, we need to renew our CPR certification (thankfully our first aid and water safety are good for another year) this summer, and I have yet to find a Red Cross course that's both cost and time efficient.

Most 1 year anniversaries are celebrated... this one, not so much.

Hope deferred... for the fourth time

Yesterday afternoon we received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions informing us that there was a young couple in Los Angeles who just gave birth to a baby girl on May 1st. They were still in the hospital and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. Deb (the coordinator at our agency) was already there and had shown them several profile books. She said they picked us as their first choice and they wanted to speak with us, so she put them on the phone. Zach & I had a good talk with them and were able to ask and answer a lot of questions. Jacob & Jocelyn were just 20 years old and had kept the entire pregnancy and delivery from both sides of their families. We, of course, didn't like the sound of that, but we also knew better than to encourage them to tell their families anything at that point.

The baby was staying in the hospital for the rest of the week, but the parents were being discharged that night. They really wanted to meet us before signing any paperwork to relinquish their rights, so we agreed we'd drive to LA that night and meet them and the baby the next morning. Even while packing and gathering up all the baby things we'd need for the trip home (a 6-7 hour drive), neither of us felt too excited. We knew better than to get all worked up and happy over something that may turn out to be just another dead end. We kept our emotions at bay and just mechanically went through our list of things to do before leaving. I just hoped we wouldn't have a chance to hold this baby if it wasn't going to work out. We knew it would be at least two days after our arrival until the relinquishment papers were signed, so there was still time for things to wrong.

So with our suitcases packed with at least a week's worth of necessities and the carseat in tow, we headed for the gas station to fill up the tank before hitting the freeway for an all night road trip. While Zach was pumping gas, I called Jacob (the birth father) to let him know we were on our way and to make plans for our meeting the next morning. His response was tearful and apologetic as he explained that Jocelyn's family had somehow found out everything and they stormed into the hospital demanding she keep the baby. Jocelyn was very emotional and confused, and she was being discharged from the hospital to return home with her family. Jacob was still very committed to handing the baby over for adoption, convinced he and Jocelyn were not capable of raising a child together, but without Jocelyn's consent there was nothing he could do. I simply told him that if things changed to call us and we'd remain available. I tried to encourage him and assure him we were okay, thanking him anyway for the opportunity. We know it's a very confusing and emotional decision, and keeping your own families in the dark can only work against you.

So we called Deb immediately and gave her the update. She was upset and dumbfounded. We simply turned the car around, ate dinner out, then came home and unpacked our suitcases. While facing this disappointment and loss for a fourth time is certainly depressing, it seems our hearts have just become numb to the sensation. I don't feel emotional in any way, good or bad. I simply feel detached from the whole experience, disillusioned and pessimistic, in need of convincing that someday the situation will ever end in our favor.

I am grateful that yet again the Lord has spared us from holding a child we could not come home with. I am grateful we weren't halfway to LA before we got the phone call and had to turn around. I grateful we won't miss spending Mother's Day weekend with our moms, (even though bringing home a daughter on Mother's Day would've been pretty incredible). And I am grateful for our marriage, which is worth more to us than any child.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Prov. 13:12