And that's the end of Round 3

We realize the word is definitely out, but figured we'd update the blog with the details. First we'd like to say thank you to all who spent last Monday night on their knees in prayer for us. It was a difficult night in our house and unfortunately the news on Tuesday morning was not good. Chrystal decided to abide by her mother's wishes and keep the baby. Jen (at Little Angel Adoptions) said there was still a chance CPS (Child Protective Services) could get involved and decide the situation was not best for the baby, but we shouldn't hold out hope for that.

We sat in bed, shocked and dumbfounded. Six days later we still can't believe this happened again. How much more can we possibly take? It feels like some kind of sick joke. We cried it out for as long as we could and then we abruptly decided to leave town. We simply couldn't stand the thought of sitting in our big empty house, filled with things to welcome baby, and absorbing the reality of it all. We immediately booked a flight to Disneyland and made hurried arrangements for our hotel, dog-sitting, etc. We threw things into a suitcase and hopped in the car- 2 hours later we were on a plane.

The next three days were spent fighting back tears, screaming and laughing on rides, and long talks over theme park treats. After that we stayed at Anne's parents' house for a night and went to Opening Weekend for the Oakland A's, a tradition we've had for years. It seemed the longer we stayed away from home, the easier it was to pretend nothing had happened. Even though it doesn't make sense, we actually felt by leaving town we'd put physical distance between ourselves and the pain, like it couldn't get to us if we weren't home. We dreaded coming back.

Our friend and faithful dog-sitter, Stefanie, was wonderfully thoughtful while we were away; we came home to find all the baby items we'd left out had been stowed out of sight. In their place were funny post-it notes, Starbucks giftcards, and a table full of candy ready to be consumed for a night in front of the tv. We were beyond grateful.

Now that we're home we are beginning the long and painful process of acceptance and grief. Unfortunately, it is a process we know all too well. We are extremely appreciative of all the cards, emails, text messages and voicemails we have received over the last week. In time we will respond back to each of you individually, but until then please know we have read and heard every word, and we are thankful for you.

There will still be joy

We need your prayers. All hands on deck!

Chrystal went into labor around 4pm this afternoon, March 28th. We would have gladly jumped in the car to head for the hospital, but there's a problem... Chrystal's mom (who was serving time in jail & was unaware of Chrystal's pregnancy) was released early from jail today and returned home to find Chrystal in labor... she took Chrystal to the hospital and is now encouraging her not to give the baby up for adoption. Chrystal is feeling confused and unsure of what to do. She spoke with Sister Davida, her social worker, our agency, etc and it was agreed to give it 'til tomorrow morning before making a final decision. We were encouraged stay home, wait for news before coming to the hospital.

We, of course, did not see this coming. We had no idea her mother would even be a factor. All I could think when Zach came home with the news was, "There's no way this is happening again. No way God would allow us to suffer this loss again."

It is absolutely tearing us apart having to wait all night to know if Providence is really ours or not. We collapsed on the floor of her room in a pile of sobs, just praying, begging and pleading for God to bring her home with us. We are asking you to pray alongside us tonight. Please pray Chrystal's heart will remain firm in her decision, that she will not be influenced by her family. Please pray her mother will respect the decision Chrystal has already made, and support her. Please pray for the Lord to intervene on our behalf.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me after hearing the news...

sorrow may last for the night
but joy comes in the morning.

i was just going to email you that i have nothing to say to offer you peace right now, and then these were the words that so clearly came to mind. i hope it can be taken literally, for this specific night, and specifically refers to little Providence Joy. if it is to be taken figuratively one thing we know...someday, some morning, there will still be joy.

Praying against fear

Our days are spent waiting for the phone to ring, although God has been "good" in giving us plenty to distract us (like the battery in our Honda dying, the transmission fluid in our Toyota needing a flush, the pine trees in our backyard needing professional service before they fall over onto our neighbor's house, etc.).

Last night while lying in bed, I said to Zach, "A small part of me is afraid that Chrystal might never call. That she'll go into labor and decide not to call us or our agency because she wants to keep the baby. Then she'll have the baby and we'll never know- we'll just never hear from her." I hated hearing those thoughts out loud. Zach shared his fears too. He said, "I basically fear three things: she'll never call, the baby will be harmed or die in delivery, or Chrystal will change her mind before she's discharged from the hospital." Any one of those things would be enough to devastate us for God knows how long.

So today, as we wait, we ask for your prayers, specifically for those things we are afraid of. Please pray the Lord will affirm Chrystal's decision to place the baby for adoption- that she will not waiver, that she'll know this truly is the best thing for the baby. Please pray Chrystal will have the courage to make that phone call when she goes into labor- pray against second thoughts and hesitation. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery, both for Chrystal and Providence. Pray Providence arrives strong, healthy, and without any serious complications. Please pray against fear in my heart and in Zach's heart- that we will continually lay our anxieties at the foot of the cross, trusting He knows just what He's doing.

Waiting for Providence

After spending all day on pins and needles, we finally got the phone call from Sister Davida after Chrystal's doctor appointment. Both Chrystal and the baby are very healthy, no complications to be seen. The sonogram showed it's a GIRL!! She's already over 7lbs, and she's dropped into position for delivery. The "official" due date is one week from tomorrow, March 29th! We were beyond thrilled and tears were shed. It's unbelievable that we could be FINALLY be parents in a matter of DAYS!

We've chosen the name Providence Joy for our daughter. Her name means God sustained and guided our destiny; God has provided for us joy. The reason we chose it is obvious isn't it? :-) We are still marveling at the way this all came together. We spent months wondering where the goodness of God was when Katerina changed her mind. But if we had not experienced that loss, if we had not brought Katerina to the maternity home, Sister Davida would never have known about us, never have known to call us and offer us a chance to adopt Providence...

Out of the clear blue sky

The emotional ride never ends around here...

Wednesday morning Zach received a very unexpected phone call from Sister Davida, a Catholic nun who formerly worked for the maternity home Katerina stayed in down in Merced. She remembered us and our situation with Kat (she was extremely apologetic for how it was all handled and even told us that the Teresa- the director we'd worked with had been laid off as a result). She said she's recently come into contact with a birth mom in need of some help. Her name is Chrystal, 23 yrs. old, pregnant with her 4th child and due in approximately 2 weeks... Chrystal has been hiding her pregnancy from family (the birth father has no idea she even kept the baby and is long since out of the picture) and she is desperate to adopt the child out. Sister Davida asked if we were still looking to adopt.... to which we said, "Uh, YES!" The last two days have been a complete whirlwind of questions, phone calls, and a thousand different emotions.

We immediately contacted Jen at our agency and got her involved. She sent paperwork and our profile book to Chrystal and will be speaking with her directly on Monday to ask all those questions we'd like answered. Jen also sent the necessary adoption plan paperwork to the hospital where Chrystal will be delivering, and she's been in touch with Chrystal's social worker. We'll be doing what's called an "agency adoption" in which Chrystal has agreed to sign away her parental rights as soon as she is discharged from the hospital. This means we do not have any waiting time (like the mandated 30 day period) before we'll know if the baby is officially in our custody. This is, of course, a HUGE weight off our shoulders. This should be a pretty straight-forward "transaction" (for lack of a better word).

Between all the communication we've had with Sister Davida and Jen, we've learned that Chrystal's family situation is completely chaotic. Her mother was recently arrested for breaking parole, her 15yr. old sister is also pregnant, and her brother is in and out of jail. Chrystal already has 3 children under the age of 4 and has no means or desire to raise another. She wants a completely closed adoption, no contact with us (even before the delivery) or the baby. She simply wants to keep this entire event from her family and be done with it, not looking back. As sad as this makes us for her sake, we are grateful that there will be no complications in regards to her family involvement or influence. However, it bums us out that we won't have much to tell our child about their biological mother or family, other than the very basics. For his or her sake, we would have liked to help them build a more complete family history.

Chrystal has not received regular pre-natal care during her pregnancy, and so we are insisting (so is Sister Davida) that she have a full exam, sonogram, etc. so that we can be sure the baby is healthy. She has an appointment on Monday afternoon, after which we'll know the official due date and the baby's gender.

Our heads are spinning with the unexpectedness of it all. We are shocked that Sister Davida even thought to call us, let alone had our information on file still! It's extremely difficult to remain guarded knowing a baby could be just two weeks into our future. We were both brought to tears last night just thinking of how close we are! We've been making lists of all the things we need to do if we really only have two weeks before we have a baby in our lives... it's a long list! But we also know from experience that anything can happen, and we want to be careful not to expect smooth sailing. We know God can allow yet another devastating loss to somehow, some way, work for His glory.... but we're begging Him that it won't be necessary. Please pray for our hearts and our minds to be at peace as we await the outcome of this situation. Please pray we would be prepared for His will to be done, no matter what that means. Please pray for God's best for this baby-to-be, and for us.

We'll post another update on Monday evening when we know more about the baby's health, gender, due date, etc. Thanks to ALL of you for your prayerful support!!! We're hoping this will be one of the last "adoption" posts we'll be posting EVER! :-)

A Necessary Loss

"During times of brokenness we realize that our ways, our plans and desires, aren't working. We tire of the struggle and eventually surrender our expectations to God. When we hand our lives back to God, he pours his desires into our hearts to accomplish his work, his way. We experience necessary losses, but they're not losses to fear. Surrender opens the door to a deeper walk with God and his unexpected surprises and blessings."

-Judith Couchman, The Shadow of His Hand

We have been matched with Felicia for just over two weeks, and while our first meeting with her went well, the relationship has gone downhill ever since. The day after meeting Felicia and her adoptive mom, Joyce, we began receiving phone calls and text messages from them both, claiming they needed money for everything from a rental home deposit to shampoo. We'd been told by our agency when matched that Felicia receives a significant amount of money from the government each month; she has more than enough to meet her needs. Our agency confirmed this for us again when we told them about Felicia's requests. Apparently she'd been "overspending" her monthly checks in expectation that our agency (and we) would give her additional assistance. Over the next few days Felicia continually ignored our agency's insistence that their policy is to provide assistance only when birth moms are 6 months or more along in their pregnancy. She also ignored their rule that she is not to contact us directly with any requests for money or assistance. Whenever she was told "no" by our agency, she called us instead, making her situation sound more desperate than before. She lied to us about several small matters, and she disrespected us and our agency by ignoring the boundaries that were set in place. It's been a frustrating experience for all involved.

Obviously we are just not comfortable giving Felicia any kind of financial help this early into our relationship with her, especially knowing that she doesn't really need help. She's made it clear that her focus in this adoption process is money, not the baby, and not building a relationship with us. She's very young and has been negatively influenced by her family members in her decision making. We are certain that both she and her family are unpredictable and untrustworthy. Frustrated by the lack of sympathy and financial help she was getting from us and our agency, Felicia called our agency today and said she wants out. We are not surprised. If she didn't walk out, we probably would have. It would have been a very long 5 more months.

Our contact at our agency, Jen, has been a treasure. She has fielded more than her fair share of phone calls from Felicia and she has been consistently honest and realistic with us as we made our decisions. If Felicia had not backed out, she would have encouraged us to. She's seen it all in her business and she knew this was a very risky situation. She assured me today that they are working VERY hard to find new matches for us. They've continued to send our profile books out even while were matched with Felicia so we have lost no time and for that we are grateful.

Zach and I are disappointed, but so far unemotional. We were relieved when we got rematched, but neither one of us felt totally comfortable with the situation. We were both very guarded and detached from the day we met her, and we believe the Lord was protecting us from having our hearts broken yet again. When things began to unravel, I didn't even feel surprised. It's like we just knew that this wasn't over for us, that there was still more to come, for better or worse.

I feel as if I was just beginning to sit up after being knocked down the first time. In a way, I'm grateful I'm still on the ground- less distance to fall this time. I'm thinking I should just set up camp down here, get comfortable because it might be a long stay.

The First Meeting

Yesterday we met Felicia for the first time. I'll admit I had A LOT of anxiety about it. It seemed so rushed to be meeting her just 6 days after we'd been matched. And not only were we meeting her, we were going to see the baby's sonogram! It was a bit overwhelming. I've been struggling with knowing how to feel about all of this. I can only describe it as "cautiously optimistic." I find myself continually praying, "Lord, please don't let us get hurt again. Please, please, please." I would LOVE to believe this will be "the one," but I'm afraid to trust it still.

So after a few days of phone calls and text messaging, we picked up Felicia and her adoptive mom at their home to drive them to her sonogram appointment. They live in a very rough and dangerous neighborhood (We saw bullet holes in the bedroom windows), and the inside of the house made me cringe. I began to hope even more that Felicia would follow through on her decision... I couldn't imagine this new baby being raised in such circumstances.

Felicia looks like just a kid, but she's faced hardship in her life that has matured and hardened her. Her adoptive mom, Joyce, is a very sweet and loving person. She's doing her best to support Felicia in raising her son, as well as raising three daughters of her own, but it's not easy while unemployed and on disability. I feel we definitely won Joyce over- she seemed to trust us and show great interest in our desire to be parents. She was able to shed a lot of light on Felicia and her background, and we were very encouraged to know Felicia has a mom like Joyce in her corner.

Felicia's biological mom has been involved in her life since she was young, but she's by no means a good role model. She's had multiple children with multiple partners and given several children up for adoption (including Felicia). Felicia keeps in touch with her and other members of her biological family, but she's aware her mother is not too stable.

We had about half an hour in the waiting room before her appointment to talk and get to know both Felicia and Joyce. The conversation was easy and flowed well. Felicia has a good sense of humor and we enjoyed joking around with her. She showed us pictures of her son, Amari (who is the most gorgeous & adorable child ever), and pictures of the birth father who we learned is still working his way through high school. He asked her to get an abortion when he first learned of her pregnancy but she stood firmly against it. They both know they cannot afford the costs of another child and neither can their families, so they turned to adoption.

We had a good chance to share our heart for adoption, our heart for parenting, and our heart to keep this child forever in the loop about their biological family. We hope and pray Felicia sensed our authenticity.

We're still processing all the information we gained about Felicia and her background. She's had a very difficult life and we admire her courage in making this decision. We are confident that in adopting this child we will be sparing it from a very challenging life. We plan to consistently remind Felicia of the incredible gift she's giving us.

When we joined Felicia for the sonogram, it was determined she's only 14 weeks along, rather than 18 as she thought, so it was too early to determine the gender of the baby. It was still amazing though to see the baby kicking, punching, and hiccuping. :-) Felicia simply said, "There's your son or daughter!" It was a sweet moment. The official due date is now August 31st. We went home with lots of sonogram pictures and peaceful hearts.