5 days later

It's hard to know where to even begin. These last five days have been such a roller coaster of emotions for us. For now we are trying to walk that fine line between embracing support & letting people help us, and turning inwards to cry & grieve in the sanctuary of our marriage and home. We don't want to isolate ourselves, but we don't want to force ourselves to be more social than we're ready for either. While it seems we're in a place where we can clearly articulate how we're doing without tearing up, we know there are still challenges that await us in this grief process. We have yet to open the nursery door, and we know that whenever we're matched with a new birth mom we'll have a mountain to climb in regards to trusting again.

The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.

We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.

On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.

Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.

"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to...

'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me to closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to...

It may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...

So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to..." 'If You Want Me To' -Ginny Owens


"A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering

In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me

And I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'

... but You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times

When I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'" 'Why This Road' - Ginny Owens

"If He snatches away, who can stop Him? Who can say to Him, 'What are you doing?'" -Job 9:12

Yesterday I received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions. I had just finished buying Caleb some bigger sized clothes (since he seems to have an overdose of 0-3 month but nothing much beyond that) & I was in the Target parking lot. Our contact, Jennifer, was in tears as she told me that Katerina had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby... I felt the wind being knocked out of me. Speechless, I listened to Jennifer explain as best she could what had happened.

Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.

Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.

Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.

In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.

I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.

Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10

We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.

Talking to Kat

I had yet another good conversation with Katerina the other day. We try to connect with her once a week just to check in and say hello. She told me she's now entered the "uncomfortable" phase of her pregnancy- swollen feet, bad heartburn and a significant drop in her energy level. I sympathized with her and reminded her just how appreciative we are to her for her sacrifice. Her doctor put her on medication to help lower her blood pressure because it's very high. (Please pray she'll have more opportunities to rest and slow down, especially while chasing after a 2yr. old!)

I told her we picked the name 'Caleb' (a little hesitantly because I wasn't sure she'd like it), and to my relief, she LOVED it. I explained what the name means and I told her the story of Caleb in the Bible. She was very happy with our selection. :-)

Kat mentioned to me that she's been painting something for the baby. (She's an art history major and she loves to paint and sculpt.) This brought tears to my eyes. Zach and I had thought about asking her to make something for Caleb, but we didn't want her to feel obligated. I'm so glad she decided to create something for him as a keepsake. I know we'll treasure it forever.

I asked her if she'd find it helpful to write in a journal during this time as a way to express her thoughts and feelings. She could either keep it for herself to remind her of this time, or gift it to Caleb when he's born as a way for him to stay connected with her. She really liked the idea, so I picked out a journal and mailed it to her. I hope she finds comfort and peace as she fills the pages.

Kat continually asks me if Zach and I are getting excited for baby. It makes me laugh a bit because I think, "What else would we be?" but it seems important for her to be reassured we are indeed looking forward to being parents of her child. It occurred to me that she can't trust us TOO much, so the more I can reassure her the better.

I asked Kat if she was still planning on returning to the Czech Republic after Caleb is born. She said she'd probably stay at the maternity home for recovery and counseling about a month, then she'd like to take Nevelle and travel the U.S a bit before heading back. She's never seen anything outside of Maryland and California and she may never have an opportunity to return to the U.S after leaving. Kat really wants to take a trip with Nevelle and create some memories with him before they join her family in the Czech Republic. She said her plan is to make the final trek back there in late spring/early summer. I totally affirmed her in her plan- it sounds like the time traveling and bonding with Nevelle could be such a blessing after enduring the adoption.

Please be praying for Kat this week, as her goal was to tell her mother the news of her pregnancy. She also will be taking a driving test to get a U.S drivers license. She'd like more freedom to leave the house when she wants and not be limited to the schedule of the home director. Pray she passes! :)