P.J's birthday

This weekend we celebrated Providence's 3rd birthday. While each year is filled with fun celebrations and sharing of fond memories of when P.J first joined our family, I'm still flooded with thoughts of her birth mother, Jacquelyn, this time every year. As Zach and I fell into bed on Saturday night after a day full of celebrating P.J, I got hit with an overwhelming feeling of sadness. Not for me, but for Jacquelyn. I thought about what this day means for her, what she may have been feeling or thinking all day, and my heart grieved for her. Every year on P.J's birthday I am struck with the profound conflict of what joy we gained by Jacquelyn's greatest sacrifice. I began to cry as I tried to imagine how painful and difficult a decision it was for her to entrust her beautiful baby girl to someone else, forever, with no take-backs. My heart ached for her as I thought of our daughter and the beautiful little girl she's growing up to be, and I was so very aware of all that Jacquelyn was missing. I tried to articulate my feelings to Zach, and as I fumbled through them, I ended up just saying, "Let's pray for Jacquelyn. Right now." So I took my heap of feelings and mixed up emotions to the Lord, and I prayed for the woman who carried my daughter and gave her life. I prayed specifically that she has found healing, mercy and abundant peace over her decision, and that she is free from the weight of guilt and shame. I prayed that in these last three years she's been able to move forward with her life and find great blessings and success in all she does. I prayed that somehow she'd found the courage to tell her own family about that baby she gave up for adoption, and that her confession was received with unconditional support and compassion. I'm often tempted to write Jacquelyn and just thank her for her brave and selfless choice, and to assure her that we not taking it for granted. But I know that any kind of communication or relationship between us needs to begin with her. I hope that someday she'll open the door, even just a crack, but if not, I hope she finds peace and closure anyway. We will continue to feel grateful and celebrate the sacrifice Jacquelyn made year after year. And even more importantly, we will continue to pray blessings over her life, because she is the reason our lives changed for the better.