He will shine the light

God's love song to us, right we are.

Shine The Light lyrics
Songwriters: Bush, Kristian; Nettles, Jennifer

When you walk into the edge of those dark and lonely woods
And when I ask "How was your day?"
And you answer, "Not so good"
And when nothing seems to be working out quite the way it should,

I will shine the light

And when the skies up above you fill with gray and stormy clouds
And there's not a single face you know in the maddening crowd
When you know that you will make your way
But you just can't see how,

I will shine the light

I will shine the light, I will shine the light
I will hold you in my arms
Until everything's alright, I will shine the light

And when your worries, they won't let you sleep and rob you of your days
And you've looked in all directions but you still can't find your way
Oh, when you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be okay,

I will shine the light

I will shine the light, I will shine the light
When you're staring down your demons, weighing in your darkest night,

I will shine the light

Sometimes we jump into the great unknown
Sorrows, we all will have to walk alone
But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you a friend
That's me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home

So when your heart is heavy like a stone from carrying its load
And you look into the mirror and see someone you don't know
Oh, when the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat
I will shine the light, I will shine the light

When you've given into your fears
When you've lost your will to fight
Let me know what I can do
Let me try to make it right

And I will shine the light, I will shine the light

In the fiery furnace

" 'I live between the two statements in the book of Job,' explained my friend. 'On the one hand I want to curse God and die. On the other, though he slay me yet will I trust him.' She sighed. 'It's like one hand makes a fist and shakes it at God, and the other hand, which is open, pleads to him for help.' She inhabits inexplicable spiritual ironies: The God who allows us to suffer is the only One who can deeply comfort us. The Lord who dumps us into the furnace is the only One who can pluck us from the fire. The Provider who falls interminably silent constantly hovers over us. At times the physical evidence says we can't depend on God, but we can't afford not to trust him, either.

Some pain cuts so deep that books, Bible verses, gratitude lists, well-meaning words, and other comforts don't penetrate. They sound silly and simplistic. We can only stand in the fire and wait for the angel." -Judith Couchman, The Shadow of His Hand

This passage from Judith Couchman's book could not have more clearly described where we are. Walking with God is a challenging and sometimes painful journey. He does not promise us an easier life when we choose to follow Him, rather He tells us to prepare for trials and persecution, promising to give us the strength and faith we need to endure them. When we're placed in the fire it's easy to be so consumed by our pain that we forget to look for God in the midst of the flames. Zach and I have done just that, and we realize just how dangerous it is for both us and the people who follow us. When we stop praying, stop looking for Him, we leave ourselves unguarded and we become consumed by the flames. We simply can't afford not to trust Him. It's taking an immense amount of courage and faith for us to reach out from the fire and take the hand of the same God who placed us there to begin with, but we're just grateful He's offering us His hand at all. I am grateful we serve a God who does not hold our silence against us- I know He understands our pain and our anger toward Him, and He loves us through it. He is with us in the fire.

We may never understand the Lord's purpose in allowing us to suffer the losses we have, and we are learning to accept that. Following Him doesn't mean we need to know His plan, it means we just need to believe He has one. Though He has been silent in response to our prayers for a child, He has provided and blessed us in so many other areas that we haven't even prayed for. We can't hold this one "unanswered" prayer against Him when He is so clearly holding us up in every other area of our lives. Besides, we believe and trust that someday He'll respond to our requests for a child with a resounding "YES!"

"As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them."

-Charles Spurgeon

Why we stay silent

I broke my silence with God briefly in the early morning hours Saturday morning. While laying on the bathroom floor in a cold sweat, experiencing intense abdominal pain, I simply prayed, "Ok Lord, You've got my attention." After spending hours in the ER enduring painful and invasive exams it was determined a cyst on my left ovary had burst. Luckily it caused no permanent damage to my fertility and no surgery was needed. Upon returning home after 4am, we collapsed into bed and together we simply prayed, "Lord thanks for protecting Anne." It was hard, but we felt we should thank Him just in case He actually had anything to do with it.

While talking last night I think we came to the conclusion that Zach's silence toward God is based more on anger and frustration. Mine is based on self-preservation. It sounds dumb because who really needs protection from God? But I've developed the mindset that if I don't ask Him, He can't say 'no.' I think that's why I've stopped praying. I'm so tired of being disappointed with the outcome. Maybe if I stop asking Him for a baby, it won't hurt as much when He doesn't give one to me day after day. Secretly I'm hoping that if I stop praying to be a mother, just maybe I'll stop wanting it so much. Just maybe I can forget about it and not go to bed every night feeling the loss and disappointment all over again.

We read another chapter in "The Shadow of His Hand" last night. It included John 15:5 from The Message. "If you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon." This reminded me of other verses that say, "The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective," or "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick man well." It sounds like such a simple formula. Faith + righteousness= answered prayer To which I ask, 'So if my prayers aren't answered, does that mean I am lacking in faith or righteousness?' It can't be that black and white. Over the last two years since we've started trying to have family, I have prayed every kind of prayer. I've prayed with total and complete faith, believing in my heart of hearts God was going to act. I've prayed in a state of surrender, giving it over to the Lord and letting go of my own will. I've prayed with petition, begging and pleading repeatedly until I just couldn't ask anymore. After it all I still remained childless. And the kicker for me is that God knows how it feels to lose a child. He gets it. He understands the heartache, and yet He allows us to go through it, not just once, but multiple times. Zach and I have said before that we wouldn't wish this kind of pain on our worst enemy. It's hard to understand why God "wishes" it on us.

God, the beloved enemy

If I didn't know God could take the silent treatment and love us anyway, I'd be ashamed to admit this- Zach & I haven't exactly spoken to Him in nearly 2 weeks. Hearing people say, "We're praying for you guys" has lost it's meaning. When we join others in prayer, our minds wander. We simply don't believe prayer works. Haven't we all been there before? I'm not worried for us. I know in my heart we will break the silent treatment between us and God someday, probably soon (He can be a little hard to ignore). It's sort of like that old saying people have about men or women, "You can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

Zach is struggling with anger and bitterness. It's not fair having children seems to come so easily to others and not to us. It's not fair we prayed for nothing more than for a child, trusting it to the Lord, and we've been denied three times. It's not fair Chrystal's mother was released from jail for the exact 24 hours needed to ruin our lives. It's just not fair.

I feel I simply have nothing to say to God. I'm at a loss for words. Sure I have questions (like, "How will you disappoint me next?") and I don't understand His ways, but that's nothing new. I know if I open my Bible or let the words of a worship song touch my heart, I won't be ready to accept it. I'm not ready to hear anything God has to say to me yet. "For a prescribed or even infinite time, we're scriptless, and that's all right. We can stop, call a time out, breathe. Nobody else knows our prescribed path anyway, except for the One who created everything. If we can't hear him right now, he'll wait-and speak when our ears open." Judith Couchman, "The Shadow of His Hand"

And so it seems appropriate to refer to God as the beloved enemy.

"God, the beloved enemy. Our enemy because, before giving us everything, before giving us life, he demands our lives- our selves, our will, our treasure." -Frederick Buechner, "The Magnificent Defeat"

God has demanded we give Him our will, our treasure three times now, and I just don't know how to reconcile that with a God who loves us and wants what's best.