Yesterday afternoon we phoned our adoption agency to say we will not be moving forward with this birth mom and her baby boy… I'm struggling with the words to fully articulate all the thoughts, emotions and prayers that led us to this decision. While we feel certain it's the right decision for us and for our family, it's so very hard to let go.
When we looked at all angles of the situation, there were just too many risks to the baby's health, both short-term and long-term, to ignore. Nothing we heard from those we knew in the medical field and from fellow adoptive parents of children who were subjected to drugs in utero was positive. In the end, we felt it would be the most fair to ourselves, to the baby, and our adoption agency, to make our decision before he was born, and not in the hospital room.
Our agency sent out an urgent email to all the waiting families today, in hopes to find another family who can love this child and provide him with what he will need. Please cover this child in prayer, specifically that he will have minimal health issues in spite of what he's been subjected to in the womb. Pray for his future, that he will be loved and supported through the challenges he will face both physically and mentally. Pray for his future family; for peace, patience, and an equipped heart to meet his needs. We also ask that you pray for his birth mother, Shenelle. She is clearly so broken and lost. Pray the Lord will meet her where she is and change the course of her life for the better. She needs saving in so many ways.
Our friend Ashleigh said it best in a text message of encouragement today… "Perhaps that was the Lord's master plan in bringing this family to your attention… to mobilize prayers from so many that would have never known their story." We agree completely.
Monday, December 16, 2013
Saturday, December 14, 2013
So we pray and we wait.
On Wednesday we received a phone call from our adoption agency. There is a 32 year old birth mom here in the Sacramento area that is due with a baby boy on January 10th, however there are some serious things to consider before moving forward with a match. The birth mom has quite a history of serious drug use, much of which took place in the early stages of her pregnancy. Apparently she wasn't even aware of her pregnancy until about 7 weeks ago, nor does she remember how or when conception occurred, and definitely not the man it occurred with. It's very likely she was too strung out on drugs at the time to have any recollection. She has had 2 abortions in the past, and very likely would have aborted this pregnancy as well if she had known about it sooner. She has other health issues as well: diabetes, bi-polar disorder (which we discovered is a result of the drug use, not hereditary) and high blood pressure. Regardless of the outcome, please keep this woman, Shenelle, in your prayers. She is so very broken and lost.
Shenelle has made it clear she wants a completely closed adoption. She doesn't even want a copy of our profile book, or to know who we are. This saddens me, for her sake, but in the same turn, I am grateful that both P.J and this new baby, should it all work out, will have similar situations in terms of their birth moms. It makes explaining things to them both a little easier if one birth mom is just as absent as the other.
We've done our research and called everyone we know with experience in the medical field to find what exactly the risks are to the baby's health. While we feel we have a good idea of what we might be dealing with, it's impossible to know how serious things may or may not be until after he's born. Thankfully, our agency assured us that we can say 'yes,' tentatively, and should the time come when we are at the hospital with the baby and discover from doctors that the situation is not one we are comfortable with or can afford to deal with, they will place him with another family immediately. So, that's what we're doing.
It's incredibly difficult to draw a line in terms of what we'd be willing to handle and what we wouldn't in terms of a child. The book, "Secrets of and Adoptive Mother," says it well…. "When a baby comes from your body, you take what you get and blame your own gene pool. But what person would willingly sign on for that kind of sentence? Many parents ends up caring for children with cerebral palsy, deafness, heart defects, etc., but most did not choose to. .. I had to admit that I didn't want a child enough to suffer through a lifetime of illness, deformity, or disability. It is one thing to check no on an application; it is quite another to walk away from a living human being in need of care. An infant twice abandoned. If the birth mom's baby wasn't healthy, I no sooner knew if I could live with such a child than if I could live with the decision not to. I prayed that I'd never have to answer that question." -Jana Wolff
Zach and I are, thankfully, on the exact same page about this. We have managed to keep any and all emotions completely at bay. We are looking at this situation in terms of what would be best for our marriage, for Providence, and our finances. We are looking at the big picture, long term, and how a child who might need special medical attention or special needs could take it's toll on all of us. We have not considered this baby to be ours in any way. We are simply waiting until we have all the information we can, which will be after he's born. We have, of course, done a little preparation, in case this does indeed all work out and we have a son by Christmas. We've gone through the nursery and pulled out what we have, taken inventory of clothes and diapers, etc. We even have a name waiting in the wings.
We absolutely need prayer in making this decision. Please pray for the Lord's voice to be clear and audible to us both when the time comes to make a decision about this child. Pray especially for wisdom for the doctors- that they will be able to clearly assess the situation and catch any and all health concerns early on. Pray for Providence- that the Lord will prepare her little heart and mind to be a big sister. Pray that we will have complete discernment in how to help her understand the change that is coming and to help her transition smoothly into sharing her home and parents.
Birth mom's blood pressure is still very high so they've scheduled a c-section for sometime next week. We will try to keep everyone updated as often as possible.
In the meantime we are continuing to enjoy this Christmas season as a family of three! :-)
Shenelle has made it clear she wants a completely closed adoption. She doesn't even want a copy of our profile book, or to know who we are. This saddens me, for her sake, but in the same turn, I am grateful that both P.J and this new baby, should it all work out, will have similar situations in terms of their birth moms. It makes explaining things to them both a little easier if one birth mom is just as absent as the other.
We've done our research and called everyone we know with experience in the medical field to find what exactly the risks are to the baby's health. While we feel we have a good idea of what we might be dealing with, it's impossible to know how serious things may or may not be until after he's born. Thankfully, our agency assured us that we can say 'yes,' tentatively, and should the time come when we are at the hospital with the baby and discover from doctors that the situation is not one we are comfortable with or can afford to deal with, they will place him with another family immediately. So, that's what we're doing.
It's incredibly difficult to draw a line in terms of what we'd be willing to handle and what we wouldn't in terms of a child. The book, "Secrets of and Adoptive Mother," says it well…. "When a baby comes from your body, you take what you get and blame your own gene pool. But what person would willingly sign on for that kind of sentence? Many parents ends up caring for children with cerebral palsy, deafness, heart defects, etc., but most did not choose to. .. I had to admit that I didn't want a child enough to suffer through a lifetime of illness, deformity, or disability. It is one thing to check no on an application; it is quite another to walk away from a living human being in need of care. An infant twice abandoned. If the birth mom's baby wasn't healthy, I no sooner knew if I could live with such a child than if I could live with the decision not to. I prayed that I'd never have to answer that question." -Jana Wolff
Zach and I are, thankfully, on the exact same page about this. We have managed to keep any and all emotions completely at bay. We are looking at this situation in terms of what would be best for our marriage, for Providence, and our finances. We are looking at the big picture, long term, and how a child who might need special medical attention or special needs could take it's toll on all of us. We have not considered this baby to be ours in any way. We are simply waiting until we have all the information we can, which will be after he's born. We have, of course, done a little preparation, in case this does indeed all work out and we have a son by Christmas. We've gone through the nursery and pulled out what we have, taken inventory of clothes and diapers, etc. We even have a name waiting in the wings.
We absolutely need prayer in making this decision. Please pray for the Lord's voice to be clear and audible to us both when the time comes to make a decision about this child. Pray especially for wisdom for the doctors- that they will be able to clearly assess the situation and catch any and all health concerns early on. Pray for Providence- that the Lord will prepare her little heart and mind to be a big sister. Pray that we will have complete discernment in how to help her understand the change that is coming and to help her transition smoothly into sharing her home and parents.
Birth mom's blood pressure is still very high so they've scheduled a c-section for sometime next week. We will try to keep everyone updated as often as possible.
In the meantime we are continuing to enjoy this Christmas season as a family of three! :-)
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