Now we just pray, and we let go

Yesterday afternoon we phoned our adoption agency to say we will not be moving forward with this birth mom and her baby boy… I'm struggling with the words to fully articulate all the thoughts, emotions and prayers that led us to this decision. While we feel certain it's the right decision for us and for our family, it's so very hard to let go.

When we looked at all angles of the situation, there were just too many risks to the baby's health, both short-term and long-term, to ignore. Nothing we heard from those we knew in the medical field and from fellow adoptive parents of children who were subjected to drugs in utero was positive. In the end, we felt it would be the most fair to ourselves, to the baby, and our adoption agency, to make our decision before he was born, and not in the hospital room.

Our agency sent out an urgent email to all the waiting families today, in hopes to find another family who can love this child and provide him with what he will need. Please cover this child in prayer, specifically that he will have minimal health issues in spite of what he's been subjected to in the womb. Pray for his future, that he will be loved and supported through the challenges he will face both physically and mentally. Pray for his future family; for peace, patience, and an equipped heart to meet his needs. We also ask that you pray for his birth mother, Shenelle. She is clearly so broken and lost. Pray the Lord will meet her where she is and change the course of her life for the better. She needs saving in so many ways.

Our friend Ashleigh said it best in a text message of encouragement today… "Perhaps that was the Lord's master plan in bringing this family to your attention… to mobilize prayers from so many that would have never known their story."  We agree completely.

So we pray and we wait.

On Wednesday we received a phone call from our adoption agency. There is a 32 year old birth mom here in the Sacramento area that is due with a baby boy on January 10th, however there are some serious things to consider before moving forward with a match. The birth mom has quite a history of serious drug use, much of which took place in the early stages of her pregnancy. Apparently she wasn't even aware of her pregnancy until about 7 weeks ago, nor does she remember how or when conception occurred, and definitely not the man it occurred with. It's very likely she was too strung out on drugs at the time to have any recollection. She has had 2 abortions in the past, and very likely would have aborted this pregnancy as well if she had known about it sooner. She has other health issues as well: diabetes, bi-polar disorder (which we discovered is a result of the drug use, not hereditary) and high blood pressure. Regardless of the outcome, please keep this woman, Shenelle, in your prayers. She is so very broken and lost.

Shenelle has made it clear she wants a completely closed adoption. She doesn't even want a copy of our profile book, or to know who we are. This saddens me, for her sake, but in the same turn, I am grateful that both P.J and this new baby, should it all work out, will have similar situations in terms of their birth moms. It makes explaining things to them both a little easier if one birth mom is just as absent as the other.

We've done our research and called everyone we know with experience in the medical field to find what exactly the risks are to the baby's health. While we feel we have a good idea of what we might be dealing with, it's impossible to know how serious things may or may not be until after he's born. Thankfully, our agency assured us that we can say 'yes,' tentatively, and should the time come when we are at the hospital with the baby and discover from doctors that the situation is not one we are comfortable with or can afford to deal with, they will place him with another family immediately. So, that's what we're doing.

It's incredibly difficult to draw a line in terms of what we'd be willing to handle and what we wouldn't in terms of a child. The book, "Secrets of and Adoptive Mother," says it well…. "When a baby comes from your body, you take what you get and blame your own gene pool. But what person would willingly sign on for that kind of sentence? Many parents ends up caring for children with cerebral palsy, deafness, heart defects, etc., but most did not choose to. .. I had to admit that I didn't want a child enough to suffer through a lifetime of illness, deformity, or disability. It is one thing to check no on an application; it is quite another to walk away from a living human being in need of care. An infant twice abandoned. If the birth mom's baby wasn't healthy, I no sooner knew if I could live with such a child than if I could live with the decision not to. I prayed that I'd never have to answer that question." -Jana Wolff

Zach and I are, thankfully, on the exact same page about this. We have managed to keep any and all emotions completely at bay. We are looking at this situation in terms of what would be best for our marriage, for Providence, and our finances. We are looking at the big picture, long term, and how a child who might need special medical attention or special needs could take it's toll on all of us. We have not considered this baby to be ours in any way. We are simply waiting until we have all the information we can, which will be after he's born. We have, of course, done a little preparation, in case this does indeed all work out and we have a son by Christmas. We've gone through the nursery and pulled out what we have, taken inventory of clothes and diapers, etc. We even have a name waiting in the wings.

We absolutely need prayer in making this decision. Please pray for the Lord's voice to be clear and audible to us both when the time comes to make a decision about this child. Pray especially for wisdom for the doctors- that they will be able to clearly assess the situation and catch any and all health concerns early on. Pray for Providence- that the Lord will prepare her little heart and mind to be a big sister. Pray that we will have complete discernment in how to help her understand the change that is coming and to help her transition smoothly into sharing her home and parents.

Birth mom's blood pressure is still very high so they've scheduled a c-section for sometime next week. We will try to keep everyone updated as often as possible.

In the meantime we are continuing to enjoy this Christmas season as a family of three! :-)

Daddy's girl

This Father's Day I asked Zach if he shared any of the same feelings I had on Mother's Day (oddly threatened by P.J's birth parents, a tiny sense of competitiveness and weirdness knowing we're not biologically related to P.J like they are). He said that's it different for him because P.J's birth father doesn't even know she exists, let alone was he there to share in her birth or have any connection to her. Zach will always be the only father P.J has ever known or even will know about. Zach gets exclusive rights to the title of "Daddy." I love that.

During his Father's Day sermon our pastor listed several statistics about fatherless children. They were staggering. (http://thefatherlessgeneration.wordpress.com/statistics/) With each one I felt more and more grateful that the Lord had spared P.J from a life without a father. While her birth mom may have been able to love her unconditionally should she have chosen to keep her, absolutely nothing could replace the role Zach plays in her life. It pains me to think how different P.J's life would have been had she been raised by a single mother, and it saddens me to know that somewhere out there is a man who helped create my beautiful, bright, spunky little girl, and has NO idea. His loss is our greatest gain.

We will never know how much of P.J's looks and personality are from her birth father. I hope she learns to be okay with that someday. I hope she can be assured knowing that Zach is exactly the dad God wanted her to have and that she has all her needs met by him and by her heavenly Father. I trust Zach completely with this all important role of leading P.J in the ways of the Lord, guiding her and loving her in the same way our Father does for us. I hope someday when P.J begins to wonder about her "real" dad, that she'll quickly look to Zach and see that he's as real as they get, and they don't get any better than him.

The pain of saying "no"

We received our first call this week. As soon as I heard Jen's voice on the other end, I thought "Oh God, here we go!" But then she asked if there was any chance we'd be interested in matching with a birth mom in Chicago, due with twin African-American boys, in just a couple months.

You might think the first clue we said "no" in that offer was the "twins" part, but believe it or not, we would have considered it... if the mom weren't all the way in Chicago. In truth, Jen knew what our answer would most likely be, but since twins, especially African-American twins, are very difficult to find parents for, she thought she'd give us a try. Our paperwork says we're only open to birth moms living in California, and I'm pretty sure we didn't check the box that said "twins" either, so we really shouldn't have been called in the first place. This only tells me they didn't have anyone else, and that made saying "no" really difficult.

It didn't even take us sixty seconds to decide. Having P.J makes out-of-state travel too difficult, since most states require a new baby to stay in state lines for at least 10 days. Staying in a hotel w/P.J for that long, or leaving her with someone back home for that long, just isn't an option. Not to mention the additional cost of traveling out-of-state and paying an outside agency to handle all the paperwork. We also know from experience, that turning a car around is far easier than taking a long flight home if things don't work out. But having never really set limitations on potential matches before, it still felt hard to say no. It was simple enough to tell Jen, "Chicago is a deal breaker," and she expected us to say as much. But after we hung up the phone we kept thinking about it.

Practically speaking, there's just no way we could take on twins before P.J even turns 2 yrs old, or risk flying to Chicago. We know without a doubt it was the right call. But turning down two precious children who need a home is never easy. I hope and pray those twin boys have a loving adoptive family to go home to, and I'm just a little sad it's not ours.

The past revisted

Some time ago Zach received a friend request on Facebook from Katerina, the first birth mom we were ever matched with (August 2010). For those of you that may not remember, this was by far the closest relationship we had with any of the 7 birth mothers we were matched with (to read the details you can go back to some of our very first posts on this blog). She had not made any contact with us since she made the decision to keep her baby. We heard the news from our adoption agency, just a few short weeks before the baby's due date. It being our first match and first experience EVER with a birth mom, it would have been heartbreaking no matter what, but we'd had a close, ongoing relationship with Kat for over three months.  We went to doctor's visits, found her and her 2 yr. old a place to live, supported her financially, and spoke with her on the phone at least once a week. She never showed us any signs of wavering, so when we got the call we felt betrayed and stunned. We were angry that she didn't have the "decency" or "respect for us" to call us and tell us herself. (In hindsight, of course, we realize how selfish this was on our part. Had we been in her shoes, I seriously doubt we would have had the courage to call and break the hearts of the two people who loved our baby as much as we did.)

Obviously, we moved on and experienced many more disappointments after that, but the experience with Kat hurt the most. I still think about it sometimes, and my heart aches. In hindsight, we can look back and see how God used us to help Kat and her son get to a place that was safe, a place where she could keep her baby and provide for it in a loving home. Once, a few months after I knew Kat would have given birth, I searched for her on Facebook and found pictures of her new son.. what would have been OUR son. It hurt like hell and I scolded myself for giving in to such sick curiosity. But at the same time, I was also assured that the baby was safe, healthy, and even happy. Kat looked happy too, and that gave me what I needed to move on. 

The message she sent to Zach last week read like this: 

"Hey, I was scared to contact you guys. We are good. God is good Zach. I'm very sorry for every hurt I caused you. My boys are happy and a handful. I was on your Facebook couple times, I'm so glad you are happy. Life is good..."

It's weird to receive closure long after you feel like you even need it. For months I longed to hear exactly these words from Kat, an apology and a reassurance that she and her boys are okay. I think about her and the five other birth moms we met along our journey. I think about the babies they chose to keep, and pray they are all safe and healthy. I bet they think about us sometimes too. It's satisfying to know that Kat knows we are okay, that we moved on and have a beautiful daughter, that we are all with the children we are meant to be with, whether we understand why or not. 

Mother's Day

This Sunday I will be celebrating my second Mother's Day. It's still surreal. There were many Mother's Days before Providence that I sat and cried in church as all the other moms stood up to be applauded. Even when were matched with a birth mother and expecting a child, I didn't feel much like a mother-to-be, because, at any moment, as I knew all too well, I could become a mother-that-wasn't.

Much like on Providence's birthday, I know I will think a lot about her birth mother this Sunday. I wonder about her mix of emotions. Technically she's a mother- she carried a baby for nine months and went through labor and delivery, but she went home empty-handed. That must feel strange. It might feel just as strange as it does for me. I celebrate Mother's Day even though I've never carried a child in my body and gone through the painful yet joyful experience of labor and delivery. I wasn't there the moment Providence entered the world, but her birth mom was. She will always have the moment. As difficult as it still is for me to accept that, I'm glad she has a little something to take with her. For her sake, I'm glad she has that moment to herself, to treasure and keep in her heart. I have a lifetime of moments with Providence that her birth mother will never have. I can't be jealous, I can only be grateful.

Sometimes the questions and curious looks from other parents exhaust me. I find myself swallowing a lump in my throat when I have to explain to yet another stranger that Providence is not biologically mine, that she's "at least 3/4 Filipino... we think," or that I don't know anything about her birth father. I think biological parents take it for granted that they know all the ins and outs of their kids and that they'll never get a question they can't answer. I console myself by saying that there's no way any biological child of mine would ever be as brilliant, beautiful, joyful and charming as Providence, so I actually got the better deal. :-) To be honest, I've never ONCE wished I had a biological child instead of my adopted child. The looks and questions from strangers are the only time I'm even reminded that she's not "mine." When it's just the two of us, or even with our family of three, I don't give it another thought. Providence is our daughter, one hundred percent, without question. I don't stare at her features and wish they resembled mine or Zach's, or long for her to inherit my family traits. I love everything about her, whoever her features and traits come from.

This Sunday I will think back on the moment I became a mother, because it really was just a "moment." I didn't have the nine months to transition and prepare myself. Though I'd signed paperwork and passed inspections and "nested," nothing could have prepared me for that first meeting with Providence. Just 36 hours after even knowing she existed, I became her mom. I may not have the same story and experiences as my friends who gave birth to their own children, but I know I love my daughter more than life itself, and THAT is what being a mother is all about.

Familiar but changed

"The process of adopting a child pushes your personal envelope as a woman, as a mother, and ultimately, as a human being. It takes more courage than you think you have, offers more self-knowledge than you think you want, and reassembles your characteristics into someone familiar but changed." -Jana Wolff, "Secrets Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother"

P.J has some news...
While it may come as a surprise to many (understandable, by the way), we've decided to enter the adoption process again and add another child to our family! After a lot of prayer and thought, we feel the Lord confirmed to us that both we and P.J are ready to grow our family.

We signed our contract with Little Angel Adoptions (the same agency we used before) just a few days ago and we'll be turning in our revised profile books this week so they can be sent to potential birth parent matches.

This decision to get back on the horse, so to speak, did not come easily. In fact, we've held off on announcing it publicly for as long as we could. To the few we have told, the response is typically, "That's exciting!" to which we say, "Is it?" Our scars are healed, but we have not forgotten the long and heartbreaking journey this road led us down before. We know this time will likely (hopefully) be different, but the excitement and anticipation we felt the first time has been replaced with reservation, caution, and realistic expectations.

It's funny what a difference three years makes on your perspective. Now that we have P.J, our every waking moment is not consumed with when we'll get that phone call and questioning God's timing and His plan. Instead, our primary focus is on being our family of three, loving our daughter with all that we have and keeping Christ the center of our home. We are waiting to adopt, yes, but even more we are waiting patiently on the Lord to work all things out for His good, not ours. If it takes no time at all or it takes forever, we are content with the gift He's given us in Providence Joy and we will continue to be grateful for her, whether she gains a sibling or not.

Our focus is to minister to the birth mom (or moms) we are matched with. We will love on her, pray for her, and help her in any way we can, regardless of the decision she makes about the child she's carrying. We will not consider that child ours until the papers are signed. In the end, we have learned that no matter how long it takes, the child we are meant to have will end up in our arms, one way or another.

To all of you who supported us, loved us, and most importantly petitioned the Lord on our behalf during our last experience, we thank you. Not a day goes by when we we don't think of all the people, both seen and unseen, who helped bring Providence to us. We trust the Lord will provide us joy once again.