Our first month as a family of THREE!

First we would like to say THANK YOU to everyone who has visited, brought meals, and showered us with gifts over this past month! We are so blessed by your generosity! Each week we are made aware of yet another stranger who has been praying for us through our journey- we've received gifts and checks in the mail from these fellow brothers and sisters in Christ who we don't even know, and we are in awe. We are humbled by how far our story has reached. Sweet Providence Joy will forever be told of how many people prayed her into our family.

It's hard to believe we've been parents to P.J for an entire month now! Though we prayed and prepared for years, it was still overwhelming to have our lives turned upside down in a mere 36 hours! We are overjoyed to put the long and difficult road behind us (though we know we are headed for a whole new kind of journey now!). It's interesting to see how quickly we've healed from our nearly 3 year journey of trying to have a family. Providence has washed away the pain and sadness. Oh we still remember... we will always remember what we went through, but it feels like a distant dream rather than an open wound. God is the ultimate Healer.

It took me a couple days to really attach to Providence. A big part of me wasn't ready to believe she was really ours. After everything we'd been through, it didn't seem possible to be happy. God pulled me out of that phase pretty quickly though and now I can't get enough of her. I love snuggling with her and watching her make all kinds of funny faces. I love it when she locks eyes with me and hangs on my every word. I love the rewarding feeling of hearing all her cries subside the second I pick her up. I love singing her lullabies (Taylor Swift's "Never Grow Up" is my favorite). She knows I'm her mom and there is no better feeling in the world.

Providence has such a good temperament. We are blessed to have an "easy" baby. She sleeps and eats really well, no real issues with indigestion, fussiness, or sensitivity. She loves to just "chill." :-)

Everyone is asking us how we're adjusting to the lack of sleep. They ask with a cringe on their face as if they already know we're going to say how tough it's been. While it IS a challenge, I have yet to feel discouraged or frustrated by it. Every time Providence cries, no matter the hour, I am reminded how hard it was for me to hear my other mommy friends complain about their little ones when I would've given anything to have a reason to get up at 3am. I am reminded how fervently I prayed for a child and all that comes with it. How can I be anything but joyful?!

We are amazed at how much she's changed since the day we brought her home. She's gained weight, grown taller and stronger, and she already seems to have a little personality. She's had her first bath, cried her first real tears, and had her first outing (many actually). She can lift her head up and hold it steady, and she can flip herself halfway from her back to her tummy. She even had her first big smile (it was probably involuntary) and it brought me to tears. :-) She is constantly making us laugh and smile. She is living up to her name- giving us joy!

The first couple weeks I felt guilty because I wasn't really thinking of Providence's birthmom at all. In fact, I was so wrapped up in my own transition into motherhood that I sort of forgot all about her. Now that I'm settled in to our new life, I think of Jacquelyn often. I wonder how she is coping in the wake of her decision and I thank God she had the courage to go through with it. I find myself wishing we had met her at least once. I would love to know what she looks like and have some sense of her personality. Instead all we have is some paperwork she filled out for our agency but it doesn't reveal much. I hope one day she decides she'd like some pictures or updates about the baby, but I'm not betting on it. I can pray for her though, and I do every day.

Sorrow may last for the night, but JOY comes in the morning

We've been waiting a LONG time to finally post this announcement on our blog.... we have adopted a baby girl!!! Providence Joy was born on Tuesday, November 1st at 1:56am. She is 6lbs. 3oz. and 19" long. She is Filipino, and she has lots of beautiful black hair and gorgeous chocolate brown eyes.

We got a call from our adoption agency on the 1st and we were told there was a baby girl just born in Anaheim (abt. a 7hr. drive south for us) who needed parents! We were also told she was perfectly healthy, passed all her tests with flying colors, and most importantly she did not test tox-positive for drugs or alcohol. The birthmom, Jacquelyn, did not want to parent the baby- she didn't know she was pregnant until she was 28 weeks along, and when she found out she asked for an abortion. Thankfully, she was too far along for them to terminate the pregnancy. Jacquelyn kept the pregnancy from everyone except her two best friends, Sarah & Marvel. When she went into labor she told her family she was going out of town so they wouldn't know where to find her or what was happening.

Zach and I proceeded cautiously, and decided to drive down to Anaheim the following morning. We were told both baby and mom would be discharged that day. The entire drive down we were getting more and more anxious. Every hour we didn't get a phone call with bad news, was a step in the right direction. We arrived at the hospital before noon and we met up with the hospital social worker. We were told Jacquelyn had already met with a social worker from the adoption agency the night before, and everything still looked good. She would be signing off her rights that afternoon, before she was discharged from the hospital.

A few hours later we were told Jacquelyn had signed the papers and they would be sent to Dept. of Social Services first thing in the morning- once that was done we were basically in the clear. (The birth father is unknown, so his rights will be automatically terminated by the court.) The weight on our shoulder began to lift...

There were lots of delays throughout the day, so we weren't able to meet the baby until early that evening. We tried to kill time as best we could, but it was difficult. While in the hospital waiting room, Sarah & Marvel (Jacquelyn's friends) found us. They were incredibly sweet and very emotional. They told us Jacquelyn didn't want to meet us herself, but they just had to talk to us. Through tears they shared with us how excited they were for us and they told us Jacquelyn knew we were the right parents the minute she saw our picture on our profile book. She understood this baby would never get the same opportunities if she kept her. Sarah and Marvel also said they'd been loving on the baby during her time in the hospital nursery and they'd also talked to her a lot while she was still in Jacquelyn's tummy. They took lots of pictures and even wrote the baby letters (which they'll give to our adoption agency for us to keep). They told us Jacquelyn comes from a very broken and dysfunctional family that would not be supportive of her pregnancy. She also is working and going to school, and simply unable to provide for a child. Sarah and Marvel were the only two people who knew about the pregnancy and they'd stood by her through the entire process. We expressed our gratitude to them for all they'd done and told them how great it was to know Jacquelyn would have a strong support during the days after. We knew there were no adequate words, but we asked them to tell Jacquelyn how profoundly grateful we were for what she was doing. They'd

read our profile book and they were so excited that we were Christians (they were too!) and they asked if they could pray with us. That is a moment I will never forget- Zach, myself, Sarah and Marvel joined hands in the hospital waiting room and prayed together for Jacquelyn and for the life of this child. It was a gift from God. The peace and assurance we felt after that encounter was priceless.

Soon after the social worker escorted us into the nursery to meet our baby girl. It was overwhelming. We were taken aback by how beautiful and perfect she was. The nurse said she's perfectly healthy, no concerns or complications. We left the hospital soon after and brought Providence back to our hotel. The rest of the night was spent making phone calls, Skype-ing with our parents, and staring at our amazing gift.

We drove back from Anaheim the next day, Anne's 29th birthday. It was a long journey, but Providence slept the entire time! We were exhausted when we arrived home and still a bit shell-shocked that everything worked out this time! We actually have a baby after nearly 2 years of trying to adopt and another year of trying on our own. Our prayers had finally been answered. It blows our mind how quickly our lives changed in just 24 hours. We are soaking up every moment with her, with each other, and with the steady stream of visiting family and friends.

We will never be able to say 'thank you' enough to those of you (some of who we don't even know!) who have prayed us through this long and difficult journey. Without your love, support, and prayers we would never have made it this far. Providence will be told every day about the people who prayed for her long before she even existed. She is, without a doubt, the most loved child in the world. ;-)

Now we are just adjusting to parenthood! Middle of the night feedings, diaper changes, and mastering the swaddle. :-) Providence is a great eater and a wonderful sleeper. She's made our transition so smooth. We pray this will continue to be her temprament, but we know better than to assume as much. :-) She had her first doctor's appointment on Friday and everything looks great! We'll be taking her back in a couple weeks.

*To see pictures we've taken so far, visit our Facebook pages.

*If you would like to visit us, or bring a meal, please let us know and we'll make it happen!

*We are registered at Babies R Us and Landof Nod.com

Quick update

I'll make this brief as Zach and I are in a rush to get our things together and get a good night's sleep before tomorrow's journey. Here's the scoop...

We got a phone call today from our agency- a 25 yr. old mom in Anaheim (Southern CA) gave birth to a 6lb baby girl this morning, Nov 1st. Baby is completely healthy, and mom has remained detached from the beginning (baby is not rooming with mom or being fed by her). The father is unknown and therefore out of the picture. Mom is Filipino and dad was at least half Filipino. Mom's family does not know anything about the pregnancy, but she lives with her mother and siblings. She didn't even know she was pregnant until she was 28 weeks along, and she tried to get an abortion when she found out. Thankfully, she was too far along to terminate the pregnancy.

She met with a social worker tonight, and she will be able to sign off her rights as soon as she gets discharged from the hospital (hopefully tomorrow morning). Baby will also be discharged tomorrow morning, so we are driving to Anaheim at the crack of dawn to be there when that happens. If all goes as we hope, we will be taking the baby home with us after mom's rights are completely terminated sometime tomorrow. We will be staying overnight there, and driving back home with the baby on Thursday (Anne's 29th birthday!!).

We are, as usual, cautiously optimistic. We will not take a real breath until the papers are signed. Anything can happen until then. Please pray we get a solid night's sleep tonight and for safe travels on the road tomorrow. Pray for peace in our hearts and that we will remain continually surrendered to the Lord's will, whatever that may be. We will post again tomorrow afternoon from the hotel, prayerfully, with our new baby girl in our arms.

Love and gratitude to you all.

A & Z <3

And one more makes six...

It's been over a month now since we went to Michigan in our fifth attempt to adopt. We've had time to process and begin healing yet again. We are angered by the choice Adrianna made; we believe it was selfish, and it was certainly not made in the best interest of the child. However, we are grateful we serve a God who allows us to exercise our free will, even when we use that freedom to make the wrong choice.

Within days after returning, we'd been matched with another birthmom, this time in New York. We were too emotionally drained to even think about investing ourselves in another match yet, so we took our time getting back to our agency. We learned that this new mom, Marnie, was in her late thirties and homeless. She was pregnant with her fourth child but she didn't have custody of her other three. (CPS took two and she adopted out the third.) The birth father had already signed off his rights, and Marnie was willing to sign off her rights before she was discharged from the hospital. She wanted a completely closed adoption- no contact with us before, during or after. This situation sounded pretty ideal to us. No risk involved. Our agency wouldn't even call us until the baby was born and the papers were signed, so we wouldn't book a flight to New York until we knew we'd be coming home with a baby. At first, Marnie didn't request much financial assistance, but because we knew she was homeless we sent her some giftcards to help her get by. When we received a copy of the paperwork she'd filled out for our agency, we saw some red flags. Mainly that she was smoking six cigarettes daily throughout her pregnancy, and that she had no prenatal care for the last six months. We also saw she had a serious history with alcohol abuse, so we weren't entirely convinced she wasn't drinking during her pregnancy as well. Her due date was not until mid-January so we knew we had some time to think through this potential health risks to the baby.

Yesterday, we received a call from our agency. They told us that Marnie met with a state worker in New York who was trying to help her get out of the homeless shelter and into a better place. The state worker helped her put a plan on paper and they came up with a dollar amount needed to put it into action. In other words, Marnie was requesting $3500 from us to help her until the baby was born.

Needless to say, we were not comfortable with this amount. Even if we had that kind of extra cash, we would not give it to her while she still has three months to change her mind about placing the baby for adoption. Unfortunately, our inability to provide Marnie with that kind of financial assistance, was a deal breaker. We had to walk away.

When I hung up the phone, I collapsed into tears. Not because we had any kind of connection to Marnie or her baby, but because I was just so unbearably frustrated. We just can't make heads or tails of what God is doing through this exhausting process. Do we give up and accept that adoption just isn't for us, or are we falling victim to the devil's discouragement? Please pray for discernment as we seek God's will for us in pursuing adoption.

The beginning of the end

We flew to Detroit, Michigan on Friday afternoon. Before departing we had a lot of paperwork to sign, get notarized, and fax. Between that, packing, and arranging things for our dog-sitter, we were pretty frantic. All the while we were just anticipating the phone call to tell us the birthmom had already changed her mind. We purchased travel insurance on our plane tickets, rental car and hotel reservations.... we weren't taking any chances. We were sort of hoping that if it was all going to fall apart, that it would happen before we got ourselves all the way out to Michigan.... that wasn't what happened. We'd spend nearly $1,000 in travel expenses before learning it was all for nothing.

We arrived near midnight in Detroit, so we talked to Adrianna (the birthmom) and asked her if she'd prefer we wait to come to the hospital in the morning. We were a bit relieved when she said 'yes.' We were exhausted and hungry, and we knew we'd feel more calm and confident if we had a good night's sleep before we faced her and the baby. We were just grateful she was still talking with us- it was a good sign. Every minute she didn't change her mind was a step forward. We didn't sleep very well that night.

The next morning we arrived at the hospital around 9am. We knew Adrianna would be meeting with the social worker from a Michigan adoption agency at 10am. (B/c it was to be an out-of-state adoption, we had to work with both a CA and a MI adoption agency, plus our own adoption lawyer, and a hospital social worker... there were a lot of people involved and a lot of checks to write- fortunately most all the money was refundable.) We tried to eat something from the hospital cafeteria but we were too anxious to eat. We went up to her room about 30 minutes before the social worker arrived. On the way up the elevator we were both so nauseas and tearful. We'd never gotten that far before...

Before entering Adrianna's room we met the hospital social worker, Sandy. She instantly made us feel comfortable and we knew she was advocating for us. We formed a fast friendship. She'd had some good talks with Adrianna already and she assured us that everything would be okay. When we met Adrianna and her mom, neither were very talkative or even seemed to be interested in who we were. It was incredibly awkward. She did, however, ask us if we'd like to see the baby (down the hall, in the nursery). We said we would, but after we left her room we decided to hold off on meeting him until she'd met with the MI agency's social worker. We ran into Sandy on our way back down the hall and she invited us into the nursery to meet the baby... we told her this was our fifth time trying to adopt and that all the moms had changed their minds on us... we were trying to be very cautious and we didn't want to see him until we felt more confident that things would pull through. When she heard this, she teared up (causing us to tear up too). She just couldn't believe we'd been through so much already.

Back down in the lobby we met with Jill (the MI agency social worker) and signed a pile of paperwork. We were blessed by her as well, in that she set us at ease immediately. She was honest and upfront, and she was very sensitive to the fact that we'd been through this before. She met with Adrianna for a couple hours, asking her some tough questions and walking her through different scenarios. When Jill met up with us afterward she said she felt pretty confident that Adrianna was set in her decision to place the baby for adoption. Though she was young (19), she understood that she simply couldn't provide for a baby without a job, education, or financial support from family. Emotionally she was struggling, but she knew adoption was the right thing to do. Jill encouraged us to spend more time with her, and though it was hard, she wanted us to meet the baby and start bonding with him. Adrianna needed to see us with him in order to feel comfortable giving him to us. I began to cry just at the suggestion. "Do you know what you're asking?" I said. I wanted to keep my wall up until I knew he was really mine to keep. I couldn't bear the thought of holding him and bonding with him only to walk away.

We filled our hours in between hospital visits with phone calls home, keeping our parents and close friends in the loop as best we could. We were exhausted in every way possible, physically, emotionally and spiritually. The stress of not knowing what the next minute or hour would be like was awful. We kept saying, "I just want to know one way or the other. If Adrianna's going to bail out, she just needs to do it already and stop wasting our time. I hate being dragged along like this!"

That evening we returned to the hospital, checked in with Adrianna and then headed to the nursery. Sandy was there to introduce us to him. He was on a breathing monitor so we couldn't pick him up (we realize now the Lord was protecting us in this way), but we could touch him and talk to him. Zach reached out right away and grabbed his little hand, stroked his thick black hair and began talking to him. I stood back and watched, completely terrified. Sandy kept saying, "It's okay, he's yours. Go ahead." But he didn't feel mine. She set us up in a private room with him and she took some pictures. We asked a lot of questions about his health, what to do when we'd have to travel with him, etc. We had been told that Adrianna smoked marijuana regularly during her pregnancy so they were keeping the baby under watch for any side effects. We spent a full hour with him, and when we left we both agreed that while he was a beautiful baby... he just didn't feel like he was ours yet (again, a protective shield from the Lord).

Adrianna was being released from the hospital the next day and we weren't sure if we'd see her again, so we stopped in her room one more time to ask her what kind of contact she'd like after the adoption. She just shrugged and said she hadn't really thought about it. We left to head back to our hotel, and we anxiously counted down the hours until she would be out of the picture so we could freely spend time with the baby and not have to step around her. From the time she would be discharged, she'd have 24 hours before signing away her parental rights to us. We knew we wouldn't be taking a deep breath until that happened.

I don't even know where to begin in writing this post. The last week has been an absolute blur, and our time here in Michigan has been the worst emotional roller coaster ride we've ever endured in our entire adoption process.

I'll start from the end and work my way backwards....

This afternoon our adoption lawyer called us, and through his tears he told us Adrianna had changed her mind. She met with the social worker (Jill) from the Michigan adoption agency and told her that nothing had really changed, she still knew that she couldn't provide for a child, but she simply wanted to be his mom. That was it. She was digging her heels in. She was being stubborn, selfish, and nineteen years old. Her mind was not on the consequences this decision would have on us, and especially not on the baby. Unfortunately, we've seen this happen so many times before. Regardless of all the obvious, practical reasons a mother may have for not being able to support a baby, her heart & emotions take over and nothing but her own selfish desires matter.

What we also found out was that because the baby tested tox-positive when he was born (Adrianna smoked marijuana consistently during her pregnancy), CPS (Child Protective Services) was informed. Apparently they are already very familiar with Adrianna's family as they have removed children from the home before (her sister's kids). It's very likely the baby will not even be discharged to Adrianna at all, but rather to a foster home. This information angers us to no end. She is knowingly placing her son in the foster system rather than with us. Nobody wins, least of all the baby. It's absolutely heartbreaking.

We are walking the tightrope of holding it together, knowing God is still in control & He will use this pain somehow some way, and also completely collapsing under the weight of the pain, frustration, and complete disbelief that we are here for the fifth time in a row.

There is so much more we will share via blog over the next few days, about how we feel about all of this, about our time here in Michigan and about the incredible support we've had from social workers, hospital staff, and most especially our friends & family who have been texting, emailing, calling & Facebooking us through this entire ordeal. Without your prayers we could not stand. In the meantime we are feeling your prayers and are grateful for your support.

Here we go again... for the 5th time

This is getting a little ridiculous now... we've been matched with our FIFTH birthmom since our adoption contract began in May of 2010. We are hopeful (again), but certainly not the least bit excited (yet). Here's the scoop....

We received the phone call from our agency on Friday & we spoke with the birthmom Saturday morning. Her name is Adrianna, she is 19 years old, lives in Michigan, and her due date is today (Sept 12th). Both she & the birth father (who was out of the picture before it even began) are full African-American. She is completely healthy and so is baby, up to this point. More important than anything else (at least for us), is that her family & friends all know about her pregnancy & adoption plan, and they are all supportive. While we certainly know this doesn't guarantee anything, we feel much more comfortable knowing no family will come out of the woodwork last minute and change her mind.

When we asked her why she chose adoption for her baby, she explained that her situation is simply not conducive to raising a child. She and her three sisters live with her single, unemployed mom. They are all living off food stamps in a small house. Adrianna is also jobless and has not completed her GED. She has no way of supporting a baby and neither does her family. Upon hearing this we tried our best to encourage her (but really, what can you say?). We told her what we've told all the other birthmoms... that we respect and admire her for the selfless and loving decision she's making... that we'll make sure this child knows they were placed for adoption because they were so very loved and because their mother put their needs before her own. We assured her we were here to support her, no matter what the outcome ends up being.

Other things some of you may want to know- We don't know the gender of the baby, nor are we deciding on any names until we feel certain it will all work out. Adrianna has decided, for now, that she does not want any contact or updates from us after the baby is adopted. However, she would like to see & hold the baby after she delivers. So far she has not asked for any financial assistance from us, but if a need arises we would definitely be willing to come alongside her.

After so many times through this we've tried our hardest to make our focus the birthmom, not the baby. If we walk away from our relationship with her (with or without a baby) knowing we did our best to love, support, and pray for her, then we will have no regrets. It's a ministry, not an opportunity.

Some things you can be praying for Adrianna:

-Peace of mind in the decision she's made, that no matter what emotions may take over, she will stand firm in doing what is best for the child, not for herself.

-Relief from the discomfort she's feeling in these final days of her pregnancy, that she will be able to rest adequately.

-Comfort for her as she experiences anxiety and fear about the labor & delivery process. This is her first pregnancy and she's had little prenatal care/training.

-Total health and smooth sailing for both Adrianna and baby as they endure labor & delivery.

Something you can be praying for us:

-Protection of our hearts as we move forward with Adrianna, that we find a balance between connecting & building a trust with her, and staying guarded & detached.

-If we end up traveling to Michigan for the birth of the baby, that all the logistical things would fall into place and we can get there safely and without incident.

-That we would continue to surrender this entire thing to the Lord every minute of every day, trusting Him completely, no matter the outcome.

In the meantime, as we wait for things to either fall through or move forward (meaning we book a flight to Michigan when she goes into labor), I keep repeating Exodus 14:14 to myself... "The Lord will fight for me; I need only to be still."

Dreams I Dream for You

I (Anne) was spending some quiet time alone with the Lord this morning and I felt compelled to listen to some music by Avalon. (If you're a fan of Christian music you'll remember that Avalon was big back in the 90's.) I hadn't listened to this cd in years, but I still knew all the words. The final song on the cd is called "Dreams I Dream for You." Instead of singing along, I chose to just sit and listen to God's words to me... they brought me to tears. I was reminded to let go of all my dreams for this life, to stop focusing on waters gone by, to take the cup He offers and drink deeply of the dreams He dreams for me...accepting that His dreams may look nothing like my own.

Dreams I Dream for You - Avalon

You taste the tears

You're lost in sorrow

You see your yesterdays

I see tomorrow

You see the darkness

I see the spark

You know your failures

But I know your heart

The dreams I dream for you

Are deeper than the ones you're clinging to

More precious than the finest things you knew

And truer than the treasures you pursue

Let the old dreams die

Like stars that fade from view

Then take the cup I offer

And drink deeply of

The dreams I dream for you

You see your shame

But I see your glory

You've read one page

But I know the story

I hold a vision

That you'll become

As you grow into the truth

As you learn to walk in love

Let the old dreams die

Like starts that fade from view

Then take the cup I offer

And drink deeply of

The dreams I dream for you

Safe Families

Recently our church launched a ministry called Safe Families. I (Anne) have been on the leadership team for the past few months, excited and encouraged by the possibilities this new ministry will bring to our church family. There are so many aspects to Safe Families, but the general idea is this:

Families from within a local church volunteer to open their homes to children of other families in crisis. These families in crisis are in the local community, typically single mothers in need of a temporary home to place their children in. The "crisis" can be anything really: homelessness, hospital recovery, unexpected trip out of town, job loss, etc. The purpose of this ministry is to step in and help families before their situation turns into one in which the state needs to get involved. Unlike foster care/Child Protective Services, Safe Families comes alongside both parent and child to bring recovery and healing to the crisis situation. The goal is to place the children back with their families as soon as possible. The host families from church do not get reimbursed in any way, nor do they take on a "parent" role for the child they're hosting. Instead, they work with the parents and keep open communication flowing between parent and child. The parents can talk to and see their children whenever they like- their retrieving of their child is not conditional on anything. The soul purpose of the host family is to simply show up emotionally, physically and spiritually for the family in crisis. (Believe it or not, that is the short version!)

The more I learn about this program, the more passionate I am for the cause. It's about time the church family stepped up and opened their doors and homes to the community around them! After A LOT of prayer, Zach and I both felt the Lord leading us to become a host family ourselves. The single moms in crisis we can help sound very much like the type of women we've been matched with through our adoption process. What if those women had a Safe Family they could turn to? Their lives could be completely changed. We feel strongly that this is what we are meant to do while we wait for a child of our own. (The Safe Families program is very flexible- we can opt out at any time, or relocate the child we are hosting if we have an adoption scenario come up.) The nursery in our home is full of brand new baby items collecting dust. We don't know how long it will be until we can use those things for our own child, but in the meantime we feel called to turn that room of sadness and loss into a ministry for other children. We will worship in the waiting.

I know we've shared this decision with some of you already, and we thank you for your support! We're so blessed to have such wonderful friends and cheerleaders. Many of you have commented how "strong" we have become and how "impressed" you are with this decision we've made. We'd like to be clear that our strength comes only from the Lord. Without His mercies and His healing, we would not be where we are today. Just this morning we watched our friends dedicate their baby girl in front of the church, and I couldn't hold back the sobs. Everything in me longed to have a baby of my own to dedicate to the Lord, to celebrate with our church family. While we do feel very strong and we marvel at how far the Lord has brought us, the scars from our journey are still very real.

"Today I Closed the Nursery Door"

I found this poem in one of our many adoption books we've read. It's like I wrote it myself. We have gone through this exact experience, especially after losing both Caleb & Providence. For those of you who have been blessed with children, please don't ever take them for granted.

"Today I Closed the Nursery Door" by Sheen Nesbitt (written while waiting to adopt)

Today I closed the nursery door,

Afraid of how I feel.

I have become attached to a child,

Who, as of yet, is not real.

Today I put away the toys,

That would belong to him.

The Tonka truck, the teddy bear,

The little chair he'd sit in.

Today I read the final book,

We would have read together.

Nursery rhymes and fairy tales,

And happily ever afters.

Today I finished his life book,

Of the life he could have had.

A warm home, lots of laughter,

And loving mom and dad.

Today I put that life book,

Up on the highest shelf.

I will not linger, I will no longer dream,

I refuse to delude myself.

Today it became clear to me,

That I do not have a son.

And I have absolutely no control,

Of if I'll ever have one.

My life, my future, my family, my child,

Are all in the hands of others.

They will decide what is best for me,

And whether or not I'm a mother.

So I closed the books, closed the door,

And put the toys away.

I am a mommy without a child,

I realized that today.

Saying "No"

Every few months or so Little Angel Adoptions will send out an email to all their waiting families regarding a baby & birth mom who need to be matched. This usually means that the circumstance is such a unique one that they don't have any specific families in mind, so they ask all of us to see who's interested. Every time we've read these emails we haven't responded with interest because it's simply not a situation we're prepared for (typically a special needs/disabled child). A couple weeks ago we got one of these emails regarding a baby boy in Utah who was born 15 weeks early- he'd been on oxygen in the NICU for 2 months already and he had at least another 2 months to go. The birth mom had been by his side every day, but she simply couldn't continue. There was a possibility the child would need to be on oxygen for the first few years of his life. So naturally, we passed. But a day later our agency called us and said the baby's condition wasn't as serious as they thought- he would need to remain in the NICU for another 2 months, but once released he should have a completely normal life. However, this still meant they needed adoptive parents to be with him in Utah for the remainder of his hospital stay. This was simply not something Zach & I could do.

We knew it was the right thing to say "no," and we have no regrets about it, but it was still difficult. Sometimes we feel so desperate that we think we'll take anything at this point, but when put to the test we find that's not exactly true. We can't be reckless. We have to wait for the right one, even if that means walking away from a child who needs a home. I had a mini-meltdown. (I call it "mini" because compared to some of the other meltdowns I've had through this adoption process, this one was basically nothing.)It had been nearly 2 months since our last letdown, and I felt we were finally experiencing a calm in the storm (as described in our previous post). After being hit repeatedly with heavy blows for practically 6 months straight, we were finally starting to put our emotions aside and simply live our lives normally. It usually works this way though- just when we think we're recovering and can be at peace for a while, the phone rings and it reminds us that we're still on this ride. It is, quite simply, exhausting.

a break in the storm

I wish we had an update, some news, something to say other than "still waiting." But we don't. There's a calm in the storm. From November to April it seemed the waves were merciless. Now, just still, calm seas. We wonder if we're just being given some time to catch our breath before the next tidal wave hits... it's hard not to think that way. But we're doing all we can to use this break in the storm to our advantage, to gain our strength and continue building on the strong foundation we've built. Lots of date nights, trips away, time at home, focusing on each other and on Christ. We're investing more time in our friends and in our family, trying desperately to keep the focus off ourselves.

We've come to the point where we've accepted that becoming parents may not happen the way we thought. We've been humbled by His dissolution of our plans. God may have something entirely different in mind. We just don't know what that is.

"The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundations on the rock." -Matthew 7:25

We pray for blessings...

I've been listening to this song over and over and over. It's just what my heart needs to hear every time.

"Blessings" by Laura Story

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love us way too much to give us lesser things

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
And we cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt Your goodness, we doubt Your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
What if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
And what if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?

When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know the pain reminds this heart
That this is not, this is not our home

Cause what if Your blessings come through raindrops?
What if Your healing comes through tears?
And what if a thousand sleepless nights
Are what it takes to know You’re near?
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can’t satisfy?
And what if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are Your mercies in disguise?

The thing about it being a year later is...

*Negative griping and moaning ahead*

So it's officially been one full year since we began our adoption journey/process/rollercoaster/whatever. To be completely honest we just never thought we'd still be waiting one year later. And of course we NEVER thought we'd have four matches and no baby in just one year time. Someone said to us a while back, "Well at least you keep getting picked! That means your profile book is really good and you're likable!" I don't really know which is worse- going an entire year without being matched, or going an entire year with four matches that didn't work out. It's pretty depressing either way.

Unfortunately with the one year anniversary of our beginning comes expensive renewals. Our homestudy, for instance, needs to be renewed (for the ridiculous cost of $900, more than half of what it cost to do the initial homestudy). Our social worker paid us a visit last week because she'd told us over the phone that the renewal needed to take place within 1 year of the time we started the process. (We started the homestudy in May '10 and finished Aug '10.) However when she arrived she told us we didn't need to sign off on anything until this fall... making her visit completely pointless because she'll just have to come back out in a few months and re-do her review. I spent HOURS preparing our house for her walk-through, just as I had done a year ago. I baby-proofed everything (again) and re-purchased the endless list of items we needed for our "disaster kit," thinking she could just check it off and I wouldn't need to worry about it again until after we had a baby. The homestudy itself is difficult enough, and while the renewal is far less extensive than the initial homestudy, it's still hard to endure. I really struggle welcoming a complete stranger into my home (who is the same age as me and has no children of her own) to determine whether or not we are capable of being good parents, based on a checklist and a million personal questions that would otherwise be none of her business. Most parents don't need to jump through any hoops or get approved by anyone in order to have their child. The entire thing is so invasive and aggravating. This young social worker holds all the power for those few hours- whatever she writes on her paper will determine whether or not we're allowed to adopt. I had tons of anxiety about it, and I'll admit my attitude was already terrible by the time she arrived. I just hated that we had to do it all over again because in 1 year and 4 matches we still had no baby.

Along with renewing our homestudy, our agency continues to ask us for more copies of our profile books. We gave them 20 when we began the process last year, and in the last 2 months we've had to give them 16 more. They're sending them out like crazy, which is good I suppose, but it's very expensive for us to keep making more. (22 color-copied pages + a 12 sleeve presentation folder= abt. $15 per book) Not to mention that sitting down to assemble them all and then drive 30 minutes to the agency office is a tedious and horribly depressing task.

Finally, we need to renew our CPR certification (thankfully our first aid and water safety are good for another year) this summer, and I have yet to find a Red Cross course that's both cost and time efficient.

Most 1 year anniversaries are celebrated... this one, not so much.

Hope deferred... for the fourth time

Yesterday afternoon we received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions informing us that there was a young couple in Los Angeles who just gave birth to a baby girl on May 1st. They were still in the hospital and wanted to give the baby up for adoption. Deb (the coordinator at our agency) was already there and had shown them several profile books. She said they picked us as their first choice and they wanted to speak with us, so she put them on the phone. Zach & I had a good talk with them and were able to ask and answer a lot of questions. Jacob & Jocelyn were just 20 years old and had kept the entire pregnancy and delivery from both sides of their families. We, of course, didn't like the sound of that, but we also knew better than to encourage them to tell their families anything at that point.

The baby was staying in the hospital for the rest of the week, but the parents were being discharged that night. They really wanted to meet us before signing any paperwork to relinquish their rights, so we agreed we'd drive to LA that night and meet them and the baby the next morning. Even while packing and gathering up all the baby things we'd need for the trip home (a 6-7 hour drive), neither of us felt too excited. We knew better than to get all worked up and happy over something that may turn out to be just another dead end. We kept our emotions at bay and just mechanically went through our list of things to do before leaving. I just hoped we wouldn't have a chance to hold this baby if it wasn't going to work out. We knew it would be at least two days after our arrival until the relinquishment papers were signed, so there was still time for things to wrong.

So with our suitcases packed with at least a week's worth of necessities and the carseat in tow, we headed for the gas station to fill up the tank before hitting the freeway for an all night road trip. While Zach was pumping gas, I called Jacob (the birth father) to let him know we were on our way and to make plans for our meeting the next morning. His response was tearful and apologetic as he explained that Jocelyn's family had somehow found out everything and they stormed into the hospital demanding she keep the baby. Jocelyn was very emotional and confused, and she was being discharged from the hospital to return home with her family. Jacob was still very committed to handing the baby over for adoption, convinced he and Jocelyn were not capable of raising a child together, but without Jocelyn's consent there was nothing he could do. I simply told him that if things changed to call us and we'd remain available. I tried to encourage him and assure him we were okay, thanking him anyway for the opportunity. We know it's a very confusing and emotional decision, and keeping your own families in the dark can only work against you.

So we called Deb immediately and gave her the update. She was upset and dumbfounded. We simply turned the car around, ate dinner out, then came home and unpacked our suitcases. While facing this disappointment and loss for a fourth time is certainly depressing, it seems our hearts have just become numb to the sensation. I don't feel emotional in any way, good or bad. I simply feel detached from the whole experience, disillusioned and pessimistic, in need of convincing that someday the situation will ever end in our favor.

I am grateful that yet again the Lord has spared us from holding a child we could not come home with. I am grateful we weren't halfway to LA before we got the phone call and had to turn around. I grateful we won't miss spending Mother's Day weekend with our moms, (even though bringing home a daughter on Mother's Day would've been pretty incredible). And I am grateful for our marriage, which is worth more to us than any child.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life." -Prov. 13:12

He will shine the light

God's love song to us, right we are.

Shine The Light lyrics
Songwriters: Bush, Kristian; Nettles, Jennifer

When you walk into the edge of those dark and lonely woods
And when I ask "How was your day?"
And you answer, "Not so good"
And when nothing seems to be working out quite the way it should,

I will shine the light

And when the skies up above you fill with gray and stormy clouds
And there's not a single face you know in the maddening crowd
When you know that you will make your way
But you just can't see how,

I will shine the light

I will shine the light, I will shine the light
I will hold you in my arms
Until everything's alright, I will shine the light

And when your worries, they won't let you sleep and rob you of your days
And you've looked in all directions but you still can't find your way
Oh, when you just need someone to remind you that it's all gonna be okay,

I will shine the light

I will shine the light, I will shine the light
When you're staring down your demons, weighing in your darkest night,

I will shine the light

Sometimes we jump into the great unknown
Sorrows, we all will have to walk alone
But waiting there in the end is a heart that calls you a friend
That's me, clapping the loudest, welcoming you home

So when your heart is heavy like a stone from carrying its load
And you look into the mirror and see someone you don't know
Oh, when the shadows are closing in on you like a hand around your throat
I will shine the light, I will shine the light

When you've given into your fears
When you've lost your will to fight
Let me know what I can do
Let me try to make it right

And I will shine the light, I will shine the light

In the fiery furnace

" 'I live between the two statements in the book of Job,' explained my friend. 'On the one hand I want to curse God and die. On the other, though he slay me yet will I trust him.' She sighed. 'It's like one hand makes a fist and shakes it at God, and the other hand, which is open, pleads to him for help.' She inhabits inexplicable spiritual ironies: The God who allows us to suffer is the only One who can deeply comfort us. The Lord who dumps us into the furnace is the only One who can pluck us from the fire. The Provider who falls interminably silent constantly hovers over us. At times the physical evidence says we can't depend on God, but we can't afford not to trust him, either.

Some pain cuts so deep that books, Bible verses, gratitude lists, well-meaning words, and other comforts don't penetrate. They sound silly and simplistic. We can only stand in the fire and wait for the angel." -Judith Couchman, The Shadow of His Hand

This passage from Judith Couchman's book could not have more clearly described where we are. Walking with God is a challenging and sometimes painful journey. He does not promise us an easier life when we choose to follow Him, rather He tells us to prepare for trials and persecution, promising to give us the strength and faith we need to endure them. When we're placed in the fire it's easy to be so consumed by our pain that we forget to look for God in the midst of the flames. Zach and I have done just that, and we realize just how dangerous it is for both us and the people who follow us. When we stop praying, stop looking for Him, we leave ourselves unguarded and we become consumed by the flames. We simply can't afford not to trust Him. It's taking an immense amount of courage and faith for us to reach out from the fire and take the hand of the same God who placed us there to begin with, but we're just grateful He's offering us His hand at all. I am grateful we serve a God who does not hold our silence against us- I know He understands our pain and our anger toward Him, and He loves us through it. He is with us in the fire.

We may never understand the Lord's purpose in allowing us to suffer the losses we have, and we are learning to accept that. Following Him doesn't mean we need to know His plan, it means we just need to believe He has one. Though He has been silent in response to our prayers for a child, He has provided and blessed us in so many other areas that we haven't even prayed for. We can't hold this one "unanswered" prayer against Him when He is so clearly holding us up in every other area of our lives. Besides, we believe and trust that someday He'll respond to our requests for a child with a resounding "YES!"

"As sure as ever God puts his children in the furnace, he will be in the furnace with them."

-Charles Spurgeon

Why we stay silent

I broke my silence with God briefly in the early morning hours Saturday morning. While laying on the bathroom floor in a cold sweat, experiencing intense abdominal pain, I simply prayed, "Ok Lord, You've got my attention." After spending hours in the ER enduring painful and invasive exams it was determined a cyst on my left ovary had burst. Luckily it caused no permanent damage to my fertility and no surgery was needed. Upon returning home after 4am, we collapsed into bed and together we simply prayed, "Lord thanks for protecting Anne." It was hard, but we felt we should thank Him just in case He actually had anything to do with it.

While talking last night I think we came to the conclusion that Zach's silence toward God is based more on anger and frustration. Mine is based on self-preservation. It sounds dumb because who really needs protection from God? But I've developed the mindset that if I don't ask Him, He can't say 'no.' I think that's why I've stopped praying. I'm so tired of being disappointed with the outcome. Maybe if I stop asking Him for a baby, it won't hurt as much when He doesn't give one to me day after day. Secretly I'm hoping that if I stop praying to be a mother, just maybe I'll stop wanting it so much. Just maybe I can forget about it and not go to bed every night feeling the loss and disappointment all over again.

We read another chapter in "The Shadow of His Hand" last night. It included John 15:5 from The Message. "If you make yourselves at home with me and my words are at home in you, you can be sure that whatever you ask will be listened to and acted upon." This reminded me of other verses that say, "The prayers of a righteous man are powerful and effective," or "The prayer offered in faith will make the sick man well." It sounds like such a simple formula. Faith + righteousness= answered prayer To which I ask, 'So if my prayers aren't answered, does that mean I am lacking in faith or righteousness?' It can't be that black and white. Over the last two years since we've started trying to have family, I have prayed every kind of prayer. I've prayed with total and complete faith, believing in my heart of hearts God was going to act. I've prayed in a state of surrender, giving it over to the Lord and letting go of my own will. I've prayed with petition, begging and pleading repeatedly until I just couldn't ask anymore. After it all I still remained childless. And the kicker for me is that God knows how it feels to lose a child. He gets it. He understands the heartache, and yet He allows us to go through it, not just once, but multiple times. Zach and I have said before that we wouldn't wish this kind of pain on our worst enemy. It's hard to understand why God "wishes" it on us.

God, the beloved enemy

If I didn't know God could take the silent treatment and love us anyway, I'd be ashamed to admit this- Zach & I haven't exactly spoken to Him in nearly 2 weeks. Hearing people say, "We're praying for you guys" has lost it's meaning. When we join others in prayer, our minds wander. We simply don't believe prayer works. Haven't we all been there before? I'm not worried for us. I know in my heart we will break the silent treatment between us and God someday, probably soon (He can be a little hard to ignore). It's sort of like that old saying people have about men or women, "You can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em."

Zach is struggling with anger and bitterness. It's not fair having children seems to come so easily to others and not to us. It's not fair we prayed for nothing more than for a child, trusting it to the Lord, and we've been denied three times. It's not fair Chrystal's mother was released from jail for the exact 24 hours needed to ruin our lives. It's just not fair.

I feel I simply have nothing to say to God. I'm at a loss for words. Sure I have questions (like, "How will you disappoint me next?") and I don't understand His ways, but that's nothing new. I know if I open my Bible or let the words of a worship song touch my heart, I won't be ready to accept it. I'm not ready to hear anything God has to say to me yet. "For a prescribed or even infinite time, we're scriptless, and that's all right. We can stop, call a time out, breathe. Nobody else knows our prescribed path anyway, except for the One who created everything. If we can't hear him right now, he'll wait-and speak when our ears open." Judith Couchman, "The Shadow of His Hand"

And so it seems appropriate to refer to God as the beloved enemy.

"God, the beloved enemy. Our enemy because, before giving us everything, before giving us life, he demands our lives- our selves, our will, our treasure." -Frederick Buechner, "The Magnificent Defeat"

God has demanded we give Him our will, our treasure three times now, and I just don't know how to reconcile that with a God who loves us and wants what's best.

And that's the end of Round 3

We realize the word is definitely out, but figured we'd update the blog with the details. First we'd like to say thank you to all who spent last Monday night on their knees in prayer for us. It was a difficult night in our house and unfortunately the news on Tuesday morning was not good. Chrystal decided to abide by her mother's wishes and keep the baby. Jen (at Little Angel Adoptions) said there was still a chance CPS (Child Protective Services) could get involved and decide the situation was not best for the baby, but we shouldn't hold out hope for that.

We sat in bed, shocked and dumbfounded. Six days later we still can't believe this happened again. How much more can we possibly take? It feels like some kind of sick joke. We cried it out for as long as we could and then we abruptly decided to leave town. We simply couldn't stand the thought of sitting in our big empty house, filled with things to welcome baby, and absorbing the reality of it all. We immediately booked a flight to Disneyland and made hurried arrangements for our hotel, dog-sitting, etc. We threw things into a suitcase and hopped in the car- 2 hours later we were on a plane.

The next three days were spent fighting back tears, screaming and laughing on rides, and long talks over theme park treats. After that we stayed at Anne's parents' house for a night and went to Opening Weekend for the Oakland A's, a tradition we've had for years. It seemed the longer we stayed away from home, the easier it was to pretend nothing had happened. Even though it doesn't make sense, we actually felt by leaving town we'd put physical distance between ourselves and the pain, like it couldn't get to us if we weren't home. We dreaded coming back.

Our friend and faithful dog-sitter, Stefanie, was wonderfully thoughtful while we were away; we came home to find all the baby items we'd left out had been stowed out of sight. In their place were funny post-it notes, Starbucks giftcards, and a table full of candy ready to be consumed for a night in front of the tv. We were beyond grateful.

Now that we're home we are beginning the long and painful process of acceptance and grief. Unfortunately, it is a process we know all too well. We are extremely appreciative of all the cards, emails, text messages and voicemails we have received over the last week. In time we will respond back to each of you individually, but until then please know we have read and heard every word, and we are thankful for you.

There will still be joy

We need your prayers. All hands on deck!

Chrystal went into labor around 4pm this afternoon, March 28th. We would have gladly jumped in the car to head for the hospital, but there's a problem... Chrystal's mom (who was serving time in jail & was unaware of Chrystal's pregnancy) was released early from jail today and returned home to find Chrystal in labor... she took Chrystal to the hospital and is now encouraging her not to give the baby up for adoption. Chrystal is feeling confused and unsure of what to do. She spoke with Sister Davida, her social worker, our agency, etc and it was agreed to give it 'til tomorrow morning before making a final decision. We were encouraged stay home, wait for news before coming to the hospital.

We, of course, did not see this coming. We had no idea her mother would even be a factor. All I could think when Zach came home with the news was, "There's no way this is happening again. No way God would allow us to suffer this loss again."

It is absolutely tearing us apart having to wait all night to know if Providence is really ours or not. We collapsed on the floor of her room in a pile of sobs, just praying, begging and pleading for God to bring her home with us. We are asking you to pray alongside us tonight. Please pray Chrystal's heart will remain firm in her decision, that she will not be influenced by her family. Please pray her mother will respect the decision Chrystal has already made, and support her. Please pray for the Lord to intervene on our behalf.

A dear friend of mine sent this to me after hearing the news...

sorrow may last for the night
but joy comes in the morning.

i was just going to email you that i have nothing to say to offer you peace right now, and then these were the words that so clearly came to mind. i hope it can be taken literally, for this specific night, and specifically refers to little Providence Joy. if it is to be taken figuratively one thing we know...someday, some morning, there will still be joy.

Praying against fear

Our days are spent waiting for the phone to ring, although God has been "good" in giving us plenty to distract us (like the battery in our Honda dying, the transmission fluid in our Toyota needing a flush, the pine trees in our backyard needing professional service before they fall over onto our neighbor's house, etc.).

Last night while lying in bed, I said to Zach, "A small part of me is afraid that Chrystal might never call. That she'll go into labor and decide not to call us or our agency because she wants to keep the baby. Then she'll have the baby and we'll never know- we'll just never hear from her." I hated hearing those thoughts out loud. Zach shared his fears too. He said, "I basically fear three things: she'll never call, the baby will be harmed or die in delivery, or Chrystal will change her mind before she's discharged from the hospital." Any one of those things would be enough to devastate us for God knows how long.

So today, as we wait, we ask for your prayers, specifically for those things we are afraid of. Please pray the Lord will affirm Chrystal's decision to place the baby for adoption- that she will not waiver, that she'll know this truly is the best thing for the baby. Please pray Chrystal will have the courage to make that phone call when she goes into labor- pray against second thoughts and hesitation. Please pray for a safe and healthy delivery, both for Chrystal and Providence. Pray Providence arrives strong, healthy, and without any serious complications. Please pray against fear in my heart and in Zach's heart- that we will continually lay our anxieties at the foot of the cross, trusting He knows just what He's doing.

Waiting for Providence

After spending all day on pins and needles, we finally got the phone call from Sister Davida after Chrystal's doctor appointment. Both Chrystal and the baby are very healthy, no complications to be seen. The sonogram showed it's a GIRL!! She's already over 7lbs, and she's dropped into position for delivery. The "official" due date is one week from tomorrow, March 29th! We were beyond thrilled and tears were shed. It's unbelievable that we could be FINALLY be parents in a matter of DAYS!

We've chosen the name Providence Joy for our daughter. Her name means God sustained and guided our destiny; God has provided for us joy. The reason we chose it is obvious isn't it? :-) We are still marveling at the way this all came together. We spent months wondering where the goodness of God was when Katerina changed her mind. But if we had not experienced that loss, if we had not brought Katerina to the maternity home, Sister Davida would never have known about us, never have known to call us and offer us a chance to adopt Providence...

Out of the clear blue sky

The emotional ride never ends around here...

Wednesday morning Zach received a very unexpected phone call from Sister Davida, a Catholic nun who formerly worked for the maternity home Katerina stayed in down in Merced. She remembered us and our situation with Kat (she was extremely apologetic for how it was all handled and even told us that the Teresa- the director we'd worked with had been laid off as a result). She said she's recently come into contact with a birth mom in need of some help. Her name is Chrystal, 23 yrs. old, pregnant with her 4th child and due in approximately 2 weeks... Chrystal has been hiding her pregnancy from family (the birth father has no idea she even kept the baby and is long since out of the picture) and she is desperate to adopt the child out. Sister Davida asked if we were still looking to adopt.... to which we said, "Uh, YES!" The last two days have been a complete whirlwind of questions, phone calls, and a thousand different emotions.

We immediately contacted Jen at our agency and got her involved. She sent paperwork and our profile book to Chrystal and will be speaking with her directly on Monday to ask all those questions we'd like answered. Jen also sent the necessary adoption plan paperwork to the hospital where Chrystal will be delivering, and she's been in touch with Chrystal's social worker. We'll be doing what's called an "agency adoption" in which Chrystal has agreed to sign away her parental rights as soon as she is discharged from the hospital. This means we do not have any waiting time (like the mandated 30 day period) before we'll know if the baby is officially in our custody. This is, of course, a HUGE weight off our shoulders. This should be a pretty straight-forward "transaction" (for lack of a better word).

Between all the communication we've had with Sister Davida and Jen, we've learned that Chrystal's family situation is completely chaotic. Her mother was recently arrested for breaking parole, her 15yr. old sister is also pregnant, and her brother is in and out of jail. Chrystal already has 3 children under the age of 4 and has no means or desire to raise another. She wants a completely closed adoption, no contact with us (even before the delivery) or the baby. She simply wants to keep this entire event from her family and be done with it, not looking back. As sad as this makes us for her sake, we are grateful that there will be no complications in regards to her family involvement or influence. However, it bums us out that we won't have much to tell our child about their biological mother or family, other than the very basics. For his or her sake, we would have liked to help them build a more complete family history.

Chrystal has not received regular pre-natal care during her pregnancy, and so we are insisting (so is Sister Davida) that she have a full exam, sonogram, etc. so that we can be sure the baby is healthy. She has an appointment on Monday afternoon, after which we'll know the official due date and the baby's gender.

Our heads are spinning with the unexpectedness of it all. We are shocked that Sister Davida even thought to call us, let alone had our information on file still! It's extremely difficult to remain guarded knowing a baby could be just two weeks into our future. We were both brought to tears last night just thinking of how close we are! We've been making lists of all the things we need to do if we really only have two weeks before we have a baby in our lives... it's a long list! But we also know from experience that anything can happen, and we want to be careful not to expect smooth sailing. We know God can allow yet another devastating loss to somehow, some way, work for His glory.... but we're begging Him that it won't be necessary. Please pray for our hearts and our minds to be at peace as we await the outcome of this situation. Please pray we would be prepared for His will to be done, no matter what that means. Please pray for God's best for this baby-to-be, and for us.

We'll post another update on Monday evening when we know more about the baby's health, gender, due date, etc. Thanks to ALL of you for your prayerful support!!! We're hoping this will be one of the last "adoption" posts we'll be posting EVER! :-)

A Necessary Loss

"During times of brokenness we realize that our ways, our plans and desires, aren't working. We tire of the struggle and eventually surrender our expectations to God. When we hand our lives back to God, he pours his desires into our hearts to accomplish his work, his way. We experience necessary losses, but they're not losses to fear. Surrender opens the door to a deeper walk with God and his unexpected surprises and blessings."

-Judith Couchman, The Shadow of His Hand

We have been matched with Felicia for just over two weeks, and while our first meeting with her went well, the relationship has gone downhill ever since. The day after meeting Felicia and her adoptive mom, Joyce, we began receiving phone calls and text messages from them both, claiming they needed money for everything from a rental home deposit to shampoo. We'd been told by our agency when matched that Felicia receives a significant amount of money from the government each month; she has more than enough to meet her needs. Our agency confirmed this for us again when we told them about Felicia's requests. Apparently she'd been "overspending" her monthly checks in expectation that our agency (and we) would give her additional assistance. Over the next few days Felicia continually ignored our agency's insistence that their policy is to provide assistance only when birth moms are 6 months or more along in their pregnancy. She also ignored their rule that she is not to contact us directly with any requests for money or assistance. Whenever she was told "no" by our agency, she called us instead, making her situation sound more desperate than before. She lied to us about several small matters, and she disrespected us and our agency by ignoring the boundaries that were set in place. It's been a frustrating experience for all involved.

Obviously we are just not comfortable giving Felicia any kind of financial help this early into our relationship with her, especially knowing that she doesn't really need help. She's made it clear that her focus in this adoption process is money, not the baby, and not building a relationship with us. She's very young and has been negatively influenced by her family members in her decision making. We are certain that both she and her family are unpredictable and untrustworthy. Frustrated by the lack of sympathy and financial help she was getting from us and our agency, Felicia called our agency today and said she wants out. We are not surprised. If she didn't walk out, we probably would have. It would have been a very long 5 more months.

Our contact at our agency, Jen, has been a treasure. She has fielded more than her fair share of phone calls from Felicia and she has been consistently honest and realistic with us as we made our decisions. If Felicia had not backed out, she would have encouraged us to. She's seen it all in her business and she knew this was a very risky situation. She assured me today that they are working VERY hard to find new matches for us. They've continued to send our profile books out even while were matched with Felicia so we have lost no time and for that we are grateful.

Zach and I are disappointed, but so far unemotional. We were relieved when we got rematched, but neither one of us felt totally comfortable with the situation. We were both very guarded and detached from the day we met her, and we believe the Lord was protecting us from having our hearts broken yet again. When things began to unravel, I didn't even feel surprised. It's like we just knew that this wasn't over for us, that there was still more to come, for better or worse.

I feel as if I was just beginning to sit up after being knocked down the first time. In a way, I'm grateful I'm still on the ground- less distance to fall this time. I'm thinking I should just set up camp down here, get comfortable because it might be a long stay.

The First Meeting

Yesterday we met Felicia for the first time. I'll admit I had A LOT of anxiety about it. It seemed so rushed to be meeting her just 6 days after we'd been matched. And not only were we meeting her, we were going to see the baby's sonogram! It was a bit overwhelming. I've been struggling with knowing how to feel about all of this. I can only describe it as "cautiously optimistic." I find myself continually praying, "Lord, please don't let us get hurt again. Please, please, please." I would LOVE to believe this will be "the one," but I'm afraid to trust it still.

So after a few days of phone calls and text messaging, we picked up Felicia and her adoptive mom at their home to drive them to her sonogram appointment. They live in a very rough and dangerous neighborhood (We saw bullet holes in the bedroom windows), and the inside of the house made me cringe. I began to hope even more that Felicia would follow through on her decision... I couldn't imagine this new baby being raised in such circumstances.

Felicia looks like just a kid, but she's faced hardship in her life that has matured and hardened her. Her adoptive mom, Joyce, is a very sweet and loving person. She's doing her best to support Felicia in raising her son, as well as raising three daughters of her own, but it's not easy while unemployed and on disability. I feel we definitely won Joyce over- she seemed to trust us and show great interest in our desire to be parents. She was able to shed a lot of light on Felicia and her background, and we were very encouraged to know Felicia has a mom like Joyce in her corner.

Felicia's biological mom has been involved in her life since she was young, but she's by no means a good role model. She's had multiple children with multiple partners and given several children up for adoption (including Felicia). Felicia keeps in touch with her and other members of her biological family, but she's aware her mother is not too stable.

We had about half an hour in the waiting room before her appointment to talk and get to know both Felicia and Joyce. The conversation was easy and flowed well. Felicia has a good sense of humor and we enjoyed joking around with her. She showed us pictures of her son, Amari (who is the most gorgeous & adorable child ever), and pictures of the birth father who we learned is still working his way through high school. He asked her to get an abortion when he first learned of her pregnancy but she stood firmly against it. They both know they cannot afford the costs of another child and neither can their families, so they turned to adoption.

We had a good chance to share our heart for adoption, our heart for parenting, and our heart to keep this child forever in the loop about their biological family. We hope and pray Felicia sensed our authenticity.

We're still processing all the information we gained about Felicia and her background. She's had a very difficult life and we admire her courage in making this decision. We are confident that in adopting this child we will be sparing it from a very challenging life. We plan to consistently remind Felicia of the incredible gift she's giving us.

When we joined Felicia for the sonogram, it was determined she's only 14 weeks along, rather than 18 as she thought, so it was too early to determine the gender of the baby. It was still amazing though to see the baby kicking, punching, and hiccuping. :-) Felicia simply said, "There's your son or daughter!" It was a sweet moment. The official due date is now August 31st. We went home with lots of sonogram pictures and peaceful hearts.

And then came hope

On Tuesday I received a phone call from our adoption agency... we've been matched with a new birth mom. I'm not sure why I hesitated for several days before posting this news on the blog. I supposed because I wasn't ready to believe it myself just yet. We called a few family and friends that first night, but that was all. I had to laugh because when we told most people their reaction was very much like mine was when I heard. It was something like, "Oh... okaaaaaay....." in a very unsure tone. It was like people weren't sure how we wanted them to react. I get that, and I actually appreciated it more than a jumping-for-joy reaction. Like us, our friends and family simply don't want us to get hurt again, and we love them for that.

So here's what we know...

The birth mom's name is Felicia and she lives right here in Sacramento (a plus for us b/c it saves us a significant amount of money in travel & out-of-state legal costs). She's 21 yrs. old. She is half caucasian and half African-American. This is her third baby. She gave up the first baby for adoption four years ago, her second is her 1yr. old son whom she kept. Her previous pregnancies had no complications. She does not smoke or drink alcohol. She is currently living with some friends, receiving financial & medical assistance from a government program (enough to sustain her so that she doesn't need additional help from us). She is also attending a local career college, pursuing a degree in Criminal Justice. She wants to be a parole officer, turn her life in the opposite direction of her family.

The baby's father is 19 yrs. old. He and Felicia are still friends, but no longer in a dating relationship. He is also the father of their 1yr. old son. He is half African-American and half hispanic. He has already agreed to relinquish his paternal rights to this new child.

We've spoken to her on the phone a couple times since we were matched last Tuesday. She seems a little rough around the edges, but overall a likable person. We will meet her face-to-face tomorrow when we go with her to a sonogram appointment. We'll be finding out if the baby is a boy or girl! Her due date is August 6th, so she's about 18 weeks along at this point.

I'm unsure how to express all the mixed emotions Zach and I are feeling right now. This new match is already entirely different from our experience with Katerina. It's going to take some getting used to. Please continue praying us and for Felicia. I'll write again tomorrow after the doctor's appointment.

Maui, therapy and the point of prayer

It's been no secret that my struggle over the last three months has not subsided. Before our recent vacation to Maui I shared with Zach that all I could think about was the sadness that would be waiting for us right here when we got back. While our six day island getaway was incredibly relaxing and wonderful, just as I expected the sadness and loss hit me like a ton of bricks the minute I walked back in the door of our home. Being in Maui made me forget, if only for a little while, the constant ache I felt each day back home.

Zach expressed his concern that I might be slipping into a depression (something I struggled with several years ago and had hoped I would never struggle with again). I agreed with him. I know myself well enough to recognize when I'm becoming detached and stoic. I also know the spiritual battle I'm fighting is one I can't fight alone. I made an appointment with the same therapist I sought help from in years past. This week will be my second session with her. She gave me a small book called "Experiencing Grief" by H. Norman Wright. Already I have found so much comfort and reassurance in its pages. The author describes grief like this: "The harder I fought it, the more exhausted I became. So it is with grief. If I tried to fight it, it would vanquish me. If I pushed it down it would stick in my soul and emerge as something else: depression, bitterness, exhaustion. If I yielded to the waves and let it carry me, however, it would take me to a new place." I feel I am nearly to the point where I can resign to my grief and allow it to carry me, hopefully and prayerfully to a new and better place.

My therapist observed in our first meeting that perhaps I had become so consumed with my desire for a child that in fact I had made it my idol. My relationship with God had become more about what He had given and taken away, rather than simply about Him. Every single day I prayerfully surrender my hopes and dreams for a child, laying them at His feet. I've found that I can't just do it once and forever trust that He'll take care of them. Instead I need to give it up all over again at the beginning of each day. For me, trusting God seems more possible this way. I don't yet know how to trust Him with my entire future, but I can trust Him for today.

I've questioned the power (and even the point) of prayer a lot over the last few months. Do my prayers really change anything? I know God hears me, but does He change His plan in accordance with what I ask for? God will do what He wants to do, so why bother praying? I realize now my questions have been misguided. Prayer should never be about what God can do for me, whether He answers me with a "yes" or "no." Instead my prayers should simply be an act of surrender, a way of giving up whatever it is I want and trusting it to His care. Prayer is an act of worship and gratitude, a show of faith. "I've learned that any genuine communication to God may or may not change what God does, but your prayer will often change your heart or perspective. Prayer reminds you that you're not in control and keeps you close to the one who is." -Craig Groeschel, "The Christian Atheist"

In the Shadow of His Hand

A week or so ago Zach and I agreed we should find a book to read through together, preferably one that would help us through our circumstance. Before heading to the bookstore I decided to sift through the shelves and shelves of books we already owned to see if something struck my eye. I came across a book I read YEARS ago (as in at least 8+) called "The Shadow of His Hand" by Judith Couchman. I couldn't remember what I loved so much about the book that I felt it was worth keeping, but flipping through the pages I saw LOTS of underlining. The subtitle of the book is "When life disappoints, you can rest in God's comfort and grace." Exactly what we needed! I showed it to Zach and we decided to read through a little bit each night before we go to sleep.

Here just a few of the the things God's been telling us through Judith Couchman...

"Suddenly we don't understand much of anything because God didn't perform as we thought he would or should. We're hurt and afraid, confused and probably angry. Who knows what our wobbly selves might threaten to do? If Somebody up there still cares, he'd better reach through that cloud and clutch us with all his might. And that's exactly what God says he'll do." (p.11)

"...when we're hurt we should allow ourselves enough time to grieve in proportion to the event that stabbed us...Take time to feel the pain, but don't stay there forever. It's the way to eventually heal.." (p.15)

"Especially at first, settling under the Lord's hand can feel restricting and uncomfortable, but with time we learn to appreciate what he accomplishes in us as we reside there. If we allow God to lovingly work, we'll eventually emerge wiser, stronger, better. We'll look back and cherish the time spent in his shadow." (p.38)

"Jesus Calling"

My friend Julie gave me a daily devotional book called "Jesus Calling" by Sarah Young. She told me she thought it would be good for me. The last thing I felt like doing was another devotional book, especially one that would try to tell me to simply trust in God's plan. Begrudgingly I opened the book yesterday (after it had been sitting on my coffee table for nearly a week). As usual, Julie was right. It was good for me. This morning's devotional reads:

"Give up the illusion that you deserve a problem-free life. Part of you is still hungering for the resolution of all difficulties. This is a false hope! As I told My disciples, in the world you will have trouble. Link your hope not to problem solving in this life but to the promise of an eternity of a problem-free life in heaven. Instead of seeking perfection in this fallen world, pour your energy into seeking Me; the Perfect One.

It is possible to enjoy Me and glorify Me in the midst of adverse circumstances. In fact, My Light shines most brightly through believers who trust Me in the dark. That kind of trust is supernatural: a production of My indwelling Spirit. When things seem all wrong, trust Me anyway. I am much less interested in right circumstances than in right responses to whatever comes your way."

Woah.

Praying for His desire, not ours, and how much that sucks

Last night our life group had a big discussion, touching on several different things. One friend brought up her fears and how they keep her from trusting God at times. I understood this completely. Over the last two months since we lost Caleb, my heart has been nearly consumed in fear. Rather than cling to the hope that God will give us another baby, I've been fearful that losing Caleb is just the tip of iceberg. Now that something so dear to me has been taken away, what's to say God won't allow me to lose Zach, our house, our jobs, our family members? If Zach is late coming home from work I wonder if something terrible has happened to him, and if that's why we couldn't have Caleb (because God knew I couldn't raise a child on my own). I know it's awful to live in that sort of constant skepticism, and I know it's simply Satan preying on my discouragement.

Our life group also talked about cultivating our heart for God- how the process can be a long one, much like farmers and their crops. Sometimes they experience droughts or heavy flooding, all of which they cannot control. They simply have to remain patient and wait for the good crop to come. We related this to Zechariah & Elizabeth, Abraham & Sarah, and so many others in the Bible who waited and waited and waited for the desire of their hearts to be fulfilled. Some find these to be stories of hope, while I feel completely and totally discouraged. Who can honestly say they're content to wait on the Lord for as long as it takes? I know I can't. I wait because I have no other choice. I trust Him because turning my back on Him is not an option (not for me anyway). But I'm not happy about it.

When all our friends had left I sat on the couch with Zach and confessed my doubts, fears, and my dozens of unanswered questions. Through my tears I told him how tired I was of feeling so sad all the time. I can't seem to shake the dark clouds around my heart. I realized that I've pretty much stopped talking to God about my desire for a baby. I still pray for others, but when it comes to my own needs, I feel like it's a waste of time to keep reminding God how much I want a child. He knows. He sees the sadness my heart has sunk into, and I think if I keep asking Him every day without an answer, my disappointment will grow.

My good friend Julie suggested I start praying for God to change the desire of my heart to match His desire for me. If God and I want the same things for me, then my anger and cynicism toward Him would be no longer. It makes sense, but it would also require me letting go of my desire to be a mother. Releasing that to a God who I struggle with trusting is more than I can do right now, but I know it's the only way out of the clouds.

Zach told me after all my venting, that he sees my relationship with God becoming more and more real. No longer am I praying and reading my Bible to check them off the list, or to even win Him over so that I'll get what I want. Instead, I'm giving it to Him straight, unedited, whether He likes it or not. I'm David when he wrote the Psalms, and that's a good place to be.

Last night as we were getting ready for bed I noticed Zach had ventured down the hall and into the baby's room. I found him sitting in the rocking chair, just staring. He asked, "How do you feel when you come in this room?" I simply said, "I don't want to feel anything when I come in this room," but as I began surveying the empty crib, the folded up stroller, the dresser stuffed full with new clothes, and the high chair still in its box an enormous amount of fear crept into my heart. I began thinking, 'What if these things never get used? What if all this stuff we bought in preparation just sits here continuing to collect dust? What if this room will sit here in wait for a baby that never comes?' I started to cry, and cry, and cry until I was sobbing in the same way I had the day we found out we lost the baby. All the pain and sadness swept over me as if for the first time.
Finally I said to Zach, "What if we're one of those couples that never has children? What if God's plan is that this never happens for us?" The possibility of that was almost too much to bear. But then it occurred to me, when has anything in my life gone exactly according to my plan? Hasn't God tried to teach me this lesson of letting go so many times before? Why on earth did I think everything was going to run so smoothly and fall right into place with Kat?
Zach tried to be reassuring, talking about looking forward to the future, and all I could think was, 'We had a future. Caleb was our future. And now it's gone.' I don't know where to look from here. So many people have tried to reassure us that the right baby will come along and all will be well, but how can they know? No one knows God's plan for us but God, and it's the most helpless feeling in the world.

The problem with "still"

"People imagine that missing a loved one works kind of like missing cigarettes. The first day is really hard but the next day is less hard and so forth, easier and easier the longer you go on. But instead it's like missing water. Every day, you notice the person's absence more."

-Poppy, Back When We Were Grownups by Anne Tyler

To those of you who have understood not to ask us if we are "still" having a hard time... we thank you.