We got a phone call from the awesome adoptive parent coordinator at Little Angels (Khimm) the other day. She was overwhelmingly apologetic for the complete lack of communication between Jennifer and us. The last we heard from Jennifer was November 18th when she told us she'd call the maternity home and insist that Kat call us herself. Since then we've been curious to know what Kat's plans are regarding moving back to the Czech Republic. We simply just want to know where she is. Khimm acknowledged that we've been out of the loop and Little Angels needs to make a stronger effort in making us feel like we're a priority. We sincerely appreciated that. Unfortunately, she had no real answers for us. Apparently Jennifer has left dozens of messages at the maternity home with no reply. This was really upsetting to us because we felt we had a good relationship with Teresa, the home director, and that it's unprofessional to leave us hanging like that. Jennifer could only assume that Kat requested the maternity home have zero contact with us or Little Angels- why else would Teresa not call back? As frustrating as it was to hear that news, at least we knew a strong effort had been made and it was simply out of their hands.
That night I let curiosity get the best of me (never a good thing), and I checked out Kat's facebook page (we are not "friends" but I am able to see her wall & info). I had to use a translation website to figure out what her status updates said. On Christmas Eve she posted that she was in the Czech Repulic... I quickly deduced this must mean the baby had already been born. On November 16th when she changed her mind, she was well into her third trimester and it's my understanding that flying during that time in your pregnancy is strongly discouraged. Unless something unforeseen occured, she probably had the baby here and flew home shortly after.
It took me an entire day before I told Zach what I found out. When I did we just sat and cried. It tears me apart to know we would have had our son for Christmas... In a strange way though, it relieves us to know he's already been born and we no longer have to wonder every day around his due date. It takes the pressure off somehow. Now, rather than share our wedding anniversary with the sadness of his due date, we can simply celebrate our marriage and close that chapter all together. It's over. Kat is gone and the baby is with her. No more wondering if she just might change her mind. No more wondering if he has arrived or not. It's time for us to truly move forward... and Zach is making me block Kat on facebook so that I won't be bitten by the curiosity bug again. :-)
Thursday, December 30, 2010
Saturday, December 25, 2010
Wait (For a Miracle)
I bought Zach a new cd by Jason Castro for Christmas, and while listening to it during our many hours of Christmas Day driving, we stumbled upon this song. It brought us both to tears. It's called "Wait (For a Miracle)"...
Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows
Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle
Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle
Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
Same story, same feelings just a different day
Going through it and it makes you want to hideaway
In the shadows, in the shadows
Listen to me, I know life is gonna pull you down
It's just a season, just believe it, won't you hear me out
Don't you let go, don't you let go
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
From a miracle
Wait
And call upon the only name
That's strong enough to heal your pain
You're never too late
For a miracle
Hope's coming like a fire and it's burning bright
And here you thought that you stranded in your darkest night
Here comes the light now
Here comes the light now
Wait
I know you've got a broken heart
Love will meet you where you are
Ya you're never too far
Tuesday, December 14, 2010
Four weeks ago today we found out Caleb would not come home with us. While time has numbed the pain and in many ways we feel as we've come out the other side, last night we realized how much we are still struggling.
This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.
Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.
We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.
I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?
Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.
This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.
Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.
We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.
I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?
Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
2 weeks later
So many of you have been checking in with us over the last two weeks, asking us how we're "really" doing...
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.
Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.
Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.
We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.
Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.
Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.
We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.
Sunday, November 21, 2010
5 days later
It's hard to know where to even begin. These last five days have been such a roller coaster of emotions for us. For now we are trying to walk that fine line between embracing support & letting people help us, and turning inwards to cry & grieve in the sanctuary of our marriage and home. We don't want to isolate ourselves, but we don't want to force ourselves to be more social than we're ready for either. While it seems we're in a place where we can clearly articulate how we're doing without tearing up, we know there are still challenges that await us in this grief process. We have yet to open the nursery door, and we know that whenever we're matched with a new birth mom we'll have a mountain to climb in regards to trusting again.
The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.
We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.
On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.
Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.
The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.
We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.
On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.
Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.
Thursday, November 18, 2010
"The pathway is broken and the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to...
'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me to closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to...
It may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to..." 'If You Want Me To' -Ginny Owens
"A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'
... but You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'" 'Why This Road' - Ginny Owens
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do
I'm gonna walk through the valley if You want me to...
'Cause I'm not who I was when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me to closer to You
Then I will go through the fire if You want me to...
It may not be the way I would've chosen
When You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'd never go alone...
So when the whole world turns against me and I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through
And I will go through the valley if You want me to..." 'If You Want Me To' -Ginny Owens
"A million miles away from anything familiar
A thousand places I would rather be
So I choke back the tears and try to find the bright side
Though I find it hard to see beyond my suffering
In my heart I know Your plan is so much bigger
But this small part is all that I can see
And I believe You haven't left me here to wander
Still I can't help but ponder where You're leading me
And I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'
... but You endured because there was joy before You
Joy that came because You sacrificed
Since You gave Yourself just to spend forever with me
Surely I can trust You'll lead me through my darkest times
When I ask 'Why this road? Why this way and this load?
Tell me how far must I go 'til I see, 'til I know why this road?'" 'Why This Road' - Ginny Owens
Wednesday, November 17, 2010
"If He snatches away, who can stop Him? Who can say to Him, 'What are you doing?'" -Job 9:12
Yesterday I received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions. I had just finished buying Caleb some bigger sized clothes (since he seems to have an overdose of 0-3 month but nothing much beyond that) & I was in the Target parking lot. Our contact, Jennifer, was in tears as she told me that Katerina had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby... I felt the wind being knocked out of me. Speechless, I listened to Jennifer explain as best she could what had happened.
Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.
Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.
Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.
In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.
I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.
Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10
We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.
Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.
Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.
Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.
In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.
I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.
Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10
We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Talking to Kat
I had yet another good conversation with Katerina the other day. We try to connect with her once a week just to check in and say hello. She told me she's now entered the "uncomfortable" phase of her pregnancy- swollen feet, bad heartburn and a significant drop in her energy level. I sympathized with her and reminded her just how appreciative we are to her for her sacrifice. Her doctor put her on medication to help lower her blood pressure because it's very high. (Please pray she'll have more opportunities to rest and slow down, especially while chasing after a 2yr. old!)
I told her we picked the name 'Caleb' (a little hesitantly because I wasn't sure she'd like it), and to my relief, she LOVED it. I explained what the name means and I told her the story of Caleb in the Bible. She was very happy with our selection. :-)
Kat mentioned to me that she's been painting something for the baby. (She's an art history major and she loves to paint and sculpt.) This brought tears to my eyes. Zach and I had thought about asking her to make something for Caleb, but we didn't want her to feel obligated. I'm so glad she decided to create something for him as a keepsake. I know we'll treasure it forever.
I asked her if she'd find it helpful to write in a journal during this time as a way to express her thoughts and feelings. She could either keep it for herself to remind her of this time, or gift it to Caleb when he's born as a way for him to stay connected with her. She really liked the idea, so I picked out a journal and mailed it to her. I hope she finds comfort and peace as she fills the pages.
Kat continually asks me if Zach and I are getting excited for baby. It makes me laugh a bit because I think, "What else would we be?" but it seems important for her to be reassured we are indeed looking forward to being parents of her child. It occurred to me that she can't trust us TOO much, so the more I can reassure her the better.
I asked Kat if she was still planning on returning to the Czech Republic after Caleb is born. She said she'd probably stay at the maternity home for recovery and counseling about a month, then she'd like to take Nevelle and travel the U.S a bit before heading back. She's never seen anything outside of Maryland and California and she may never have an opportunity to return to the U.S after leaving. Kat really wants to take a trip with Nevelle and create some memories with him before they join her family in the Czech Republic. She said her plan is to make the final trek back there in late spring/early summer. I totally affirmed her in her plan- it sounds like the time traveling and bonding with Nevelle could be such a blessing after enduring the adoption.
Please be praying for Kat this week, as her goal was to tell her mother the news of her pregnancy. She also will be taking a driving test to get a U.S drivers license. She'd like more freedom to leave the house when she wants and not be limited to the schedule of the home director. Pray she passes! :)
I told her we picked the name 'Caleb' (a little hesitantly because I wasn't sure she'd like it), and to my relief, she LOVED it. I explained what the name means and I told her the story of Caleb in the Bible. She was very happy with our selection. :-)
Kat mentioned to me that she's been painting something for the baby. (She's an art history major and she loves to paint and sculpt.) This brought tears to my eyes. Zach and I had thought about asking her to make something for Caleb, but we didn't want her to feel obligated. I'm so glad she decided to create something for him as a keepsake. I know we'll treasure it forever.
I asked her if she'd find it helpful to write in a journal during this time as a way to express her thoughts and feelings. She could either keep it for herself to remind her of this time, or gift it to Caleb when he's born as a way for him to stay connected with her. She really liked the idea, so I picked out a journal and mailed it to her. I hope she finds comfort and peace as she fills the pages.
Kat continually asks me if Zach and I are getting excited for baby. It makes me laugh a bit because I think, "What else would we be?" but it seems important for her to be reassured we are indeed looking forward to being parents of her child. It occurred to me that she can't trust us TOO much, so the more I can reassure her the better.
I asked Kat if she was still planning on returning to the Czech Republic after Caleb is born. She said she'd probably stay at the maternity home for recovery and counseling about a month, then she'd like to take Nevelle and travel the U.S a bit before heading back. She's never seen anything outside of Maryland and California and she may never have an opportunity to return to the U.S after leaving. Kat really wants to take a trip with Nevelle and create some memories with him before they join her family in the Czech Republic. She said her plan is to make the final trek back there in late spring/early summer. I totally affirmed her in her plan- it sounds like the time traveling and bonding with Nevelle could be such a blessing after enduring the adoption.
Please be praying for Kat this week, as her goal was to tell her mother the news of her pregnancy. She also will be taking a driving test to get a U.S drivers license. She'd like more freedom to leave the house when she wants and not be limited to the schedule of the home director. Pray she passes! :)
Sunday, October 31, 2010
The Name Game
After WEEKS of discussing and searching through lists and lists of boy's names, we ended up right back where we started... with a name we'd picked out early on in our marriage, three years ago! It was very important to Zach for our son's name to have a strong meaning, a name he could live up to and be proud of. I (Anne), was more focused on the more "unusual" and unique names. So, we did both. :-) We chose the name Caleb Brenner.
We the love the story of friendship between Joshua & Caleb in the book of Numbers. The Lord chose Joshua & Caleb to enter the Promised Land over all the other Israelites. Numbers 14:24 says, "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it." The name Caleb is Hebrew for "faith, devotion & whole-hearted." We feel this is exactly what we want our son to be.
We the love the story of friendship between Joshua & Caleb in the book of Numbers. The Lord chose Joshua & Caleb to enter the Promised Land over all the other Israelites. Numbers 14:24 says, "But because my servant Caleb has a different spirit and follows me wholeheartedly, I will bring him into the land he went to, and his descendants will inherit it." The name Caleb is Hebrew for "faith, devotion & whole-hearted." We feel this is exactly what we want our son to be.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Oh BOY...
I (Anne) was so blessed to go with Katerina for her ultrasound on Friday. We were both very anxious and excited. Kat was so certain it was a girl that she wore all pink (even her shoes!). I hoped she was right, but I also knew how much Zach wanted a son so I resolved in my mind to be happy either way. Theresa (the director of the maternity home Kat is staying at) also came along. When the three of us sat down in the doctor's office Theresa asked the technician, "Could you print doubles of the pictures? We have both the adoptive mom and the biological mom here." It was the first time someone (other than Zach and Kat) referred to me as this baby's mom. I could feel it sinking in.
I've never seen an ultrasound done in person before. It was an incredible experience. I was especially mesmerized with watching the baby's heart beat. I just kept thinking how miraculous it all was. Throughout the ultrasound the baby kicked and moved continuously (Kat says the baby does that non-stop anyway). We could see it's legs moving and kicking and it made things so much more REAL. For almost thirty minutes the technician moved around and focused in on all the different body parts, but she couldn't tell what gender it was. Kat and I were beginning to think we might not be able to find out and we were really disappointed. Then I just started whispering to the baby to "cooperate please" (like any mother would when their kid is being difficult). Sure enough, minutes later HE revealed himself and it was quite clear we were having a SON!
He's developing normally- all his organs are in good shape and he's already weighing a little over 2lbs. Kat is doing great as well. We are so grateful for their good health!
The due date has been moved just a few days from January 1st to January 6th now (our wedding anniversary!), and the doctor said as long as Kat delivers after Dec 16th the baby will be fine.
I couldn't wait to get home (a very long 2 1/2 hr. drive!) to tell Zach. I brought four beautiful sonogram photos with me. We can even see his facial expression and his little fists! It's pretty awesome. I surprised Zach with a blue baby jumper with blue smiley faces all over it, and an "It's a Boy" balloon. He was ecstatic! :-)
Now, to pick a name....
I've never seen an ultrasound done in person before. It was an incredible experience. I was especially mesmerized with watching the baby's heart beat. I just kept thinking how miraculous it all was. Throughout the ultrasound the baby kicked and moved continuously (Kat says the baby does that non-stop anyway). We could see it's legs moving and kicking and it made things so much more REAL. For almost thirty minutes the technician moved around and focused in on all the different body parts, but she couldn't tell what gender it was. Kat and I were beginning to think we might not be able to find out and we were really disappointed. Then I just started whispering to the baby to "cooperate please" (like any mother would when their kid is being difficult). Sure enough, minutes later HE revealed himself and it was quite clear we were having a SON!
He's developing normally- all his organs are in good shape and he's already weighing a little over 2lbs. Kat is doing great as well. We are so grateful for their good health!
The due date has been moved just a few days from January 1st to January 6th now (our wedding anniversary!), and the doctor said as long as Kat delivers after Dec 16th the baby will be fine.
I couldn't wait to get home (a very long 2 1/2 hr. drive!) to tell Zach. I brought four beautiful sonogram photos with me. We can even see his facial expression and his little fists! It's pretty awesome. I surprised Zach with a blue baby jumper with blue smiley faces all over it, and an "It's a Boy" balloon. He was ecstatic! :-)
Now, to pick a name....
Tuesday, October 12, 2010
"Mommy"
The other night we were sharing with our life group about Katerina's temporary "freak out" after talking with her sister. I didn't realize until sharing it out loud that Katerina being rattled, rattled ME quite a bit too. Up until then there wasn't anything that could make her waver in her decision. Now that we know there IS something that could cause her to doubt, I'm feeling a bit paranoid and uneasy. This whole time we've known in the back of our minds that this baby is not officially ours until the papers are signed, but still I think we've been praying with the assumption that everything will work out. It has so far anyway. God's been clearing a path for us this entire time, so what's to worry about? As I shared with our life group through, I found myself saying, "It's time to start praying for God's will, not our own." If it's God's desire for Katerina to keep this child, then that's my desire too... as heartbreaking as that is to say. Now I'm simply praying that if Kat DOES change her mind, that she does it before we lay eyes on that sweet little baby.
After my brief and emotional paranoia, I got an email from Kat yesterday. It began, "Hi Mommy." Thank you Lord, for that gift. My heart and mind are at peace once more. :-)
After my brief and emotional paranoia, I got an email from Kat yesterday. It began, "Hi Mommy." Thank you Lord, for that gift. My heart and mind are at peace once more. :-)
Thursday, October 7, 2010
Brief Update
There hasn't been much to report since we moved Katerina & Nevelle to the maternity home in Merced. Sorry for the lack of blog updates! We've heard from Kat a few times since the move. She & Nevelle have settled in well. They've made many trips to the park and the local zoo, and Kat's made friends with the other girls in the house.
Our adoption agency contacted the director at the maternity house this week & was told Kat's Medical & welfare paperwork have gone through and she is now picking a doctor. She will let us know as soon as she's made an appointment (so I can go with her). We were also told Kat's been receiving counseling to help her process all the transition she's going through. She decided to tell her sister back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant (no one in her family knew), but her sister was very unsupportive of the adoption plan. Apparently this rattled Kat quite a bit, but after talking w/the staff & counselor at the maternity home she was affirmed that adoption is indeed the best option for her and the baby. She is debating whether or not to share the same information with her mother, knowing the reaction will be similar. Please pray for her as this is a very big struggle for Kat right now.
Our adoption agency contacted the director at the maternity house this week & was told Kat's Medical & welfare paperwork have gone through and she is now picking a doctor. She will let us know as soon as she's made an appointment (so I can go with her). We were also told Kat's been receiving counseling to help her process all the transition she's going through. She decided to tell her sister back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant (no one in her family knew), but her sister was very unsupportive of the adoption plan. Apparently this rattled Kat quite a bit, but after talking w/the staff & counselor at the maternity home she was affirmed that adoption is indeed the best option for her and the baby. She is debating whether or not to share the same information with her mother, knowing the reaction will be similar. Please pray for her as this is a very big struggle for Kat right now.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Families Are Forever
Today we were blessed to meet the mother of our future child and her 2 yr. old son. What a wonderful day it was! We met Katerina & Nevelle at the airport this morning with flowers for her and a new toy for him. I've never been hugged so tight before. It took everything in me to hold back the tears. All morning Katerina kept putting her arm around me and saying, "I'm just so happy to see you Annie." I felt the same way.It was a good 2 1/2 hour drive to the maternity home from the airport so we stopped for lunch on the way. Zach took Nevelle (the true definition of a 2yr. old boy- total ball of energy!) to the play area at the restaurant so Katerina and I could talk, mom to mom. We both spoke from our hearts, held hands across the table and cried grateful tears. I will never forget that moment, in the middle of a Chick-fil-A. :-)
Throughout the drive we chatted and got to know Katerina as best we could. We asked all about her Czech background and culture, learned her favorite movie, music, sports, hobbies, etc. We laughed a lot, something I prayed for specifically (thanks Lord). :-) The details of the conversation wouldn't interest anyone but us, but I can say with certainty that we fell more in love with her. We bonded quickly with Nevelle and he seemed to trust us instantly. In just one afternoon it seemed we became a family, and I guess in many ways we are. We will be connected to them for the rest of our child's life.
When we got to the maternity home we helped Katerina settle in to her room. Nevelle immediately found the playroom full of toys and he was on cloud nine. The home was nothing to boast about, but it was very spacious and cozy feeling. Katerina received a warm welcome and she told me she felt very comfortable there. Before leaving I gave her a bag of new clothes I'd bought for Nevelle (perfect too, b/c she had to remove 30lbs. of clothes from her luggage at the airport in Baltimore b/c her suitcase was overweight!) and a Visa giftcard to help her with groceries and other needs. She cried and gave me the longest hug I've ever received. Money is just money, but the blessing of giving her the lift she needs to get through this period in her life is priceless. She is making the greatest sacrifice a mother can make and we're benefiting from it...the least we can do is make sure she can buy groceries. While unpacking her bags she pulled out a copy of the profile book we made for the adoption agency. She said, "I take this with me everywhere I go. I'm never without it." I didn't have words.
We left her and Nevelle after we sure they were settled and had everything they needed. We promised to visit, and we even planned to take them into San Francisco for a day and show them the sights! Katerina's never been to California before so we thought we'd show her everything we can while she's here. Once she gets her medical coverage taken care of and an appointment set with her new doctor I'll head down there to visit the doctor with her. I'd especially like to be there for her next ultrasound and hopefully find out the gender of the baby.
We know so many of you were thinking of us and praying for us today. Know your prayers were felt and deeply appreciated. We continue to stand amazed at all the people God has put in our lives to support us during this process. We couldn't get through it without you! Thank you also for praying for Katerina. I told her we had friends and family praying for her and she was so grateful and touched.
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
Tickets are booked
Just booked airline tickets for Katerina and her son Nevelle to fly to Sacramento on Monday! So crazy! Paperwork and everything is in. Katerina has spoken directly to the wonderful couple who owns the maternity home in Merced & she feels comfortable with the situation. We've paid for her to remain in the hotel in Maryland until Monday to ensure she stays off the streets. We can't wait to meet her & Nevelle and spend an afternoon with them both. We're also looking forward to meeting the people at the maternity home and seeing for ourselves where Katerina will be staying for the remainder of her pregnancy. They assured us they will get her on welfare & MediCal asap, and they were already able to tell us where she'd be going for doctor's visits and what hospital she'll be delivering the baby at.
Zach and I are most looking forward to putting an end to the constant phone calls, emails, etc we've been having to make for the last few weeks to orchestrate this move. We're hoping and praying we will be able to breathe easier and relax a bit once Katerina is here in CA. We know she'll be well taken care of by the maternity home and that will set our minds at ease.
January 1st is comin' awful quick! :-)
Zach and I are most looking forward to putting an end to the constant phone calls, emails, etc we've been having to make for the last few weeks to orchestrate this move. We're hoping and praying we will be able to breathe easier and relax a bit once Katerina is here in CA. We know she'll be well taken care of by the maternity home and that will set our minds at ease.
January 1st is comin' awful quick! :-)
Monday, September 13, 2010
from Maryland to California
God is good and He continues to open doors quicker than we expect throughout this process. After lots of researching we compiled a list of potential housing for Katerina and her son Nevelle. We had a jam-packed weekend and didn't expect to even begin calling places until Monday (today). We were also told by Jennifer at Little Angels to prepare for lots of rejection. Most transitional/community housing have long waiting lists or they don't accept children older than an infant. We figured we'd have our work cut out for us. But... on Friday while I was at work and Zach was home studying, he decided to take a break from the books and make a small dent in the list of phone calls. Low and behold, he found a place that was able and ready to take in Katerina and her son right away!! We were SO grateful. It's a Catholic-based maternity home in Merced (abt. 2 hours south of where we live), run by a wonderful couple who have a passion for helping homeless pregnant women. They help them get their lives back on track and counsel/train them for motherhood. In Katerina's situation though, they are completely on board with affirming her decision for adoption. The couple has actually adopted two children of their own so they understand our side completely.
We are currently waiting on paperwork from them to send on to Katerina so we can get her ready to move. As soon as the paperwork is filled out and her place in the home is reserved, we'll move her out here (we're hoping by Thursday or Friday of this week). They'll help Katerina get on welfare, and her "rent" will be approximate one third of what she receives from welfare. We'll cover this cost for her. Her food will be taken care of by the home and she'll be placed on MediCal so her medical costs will be covered as well. We'll continue to pay for her cell phone, but that's basically it.
We've spoken to Katerina about our plan of action and she's very willing to make the transition. She told us she really doesn't have anybody out there in Maryland (which broke our hearts) and that we've already done so much for her that she'll do whatever we'd like her to do. She's been enjoying good sleep and hot showers in the hotel we've put her in, and she said our baby continues to "kick, punch and jump" in her tummy. She said it felt like "popcorn popping in her tummy." :-) Based on this information alone, Zach is convinced it's a boy. :-)
We are currently waiting on paperwork from them to send on to Katerina so we can get her ready to move. As soon as the paperwork is filled out and her place in the home is reserved, we'll move her out here (we're hoping by Thursday or Friday of this week). They'll help Katerina get on welfare, and her "rent" will be approximate one third of what she receives from welfare. We'll cover this cost for her. Her food will be taken care of by the home and she'll be placed on MediCal so her medical costs will be covered as well. We'll continue to pay for her cell phone, but that's basically it.
We've spoken to Katerina about our plan of action and she's very willing to make the transition. She told us she really doesn't have anybody out there in Maryland (which broke our hearts) and that we've already done so much for her that she'll do whatever we'd like her to do. She's been enjoying good sleep and hot showers in the hotel we've put her in, and she said our baby continues to "kick, punch and jump" in her tummy. She said it felt like "popcorn popping in her tummy." :-) Based on this information alone, Zach is convinced it's a boy. :-)
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
Now comes the hard part
As if this entire process hasn't been hard enough! We've been in LOTS of contact with our pal Jennifer over at Little Angel Adoptions. She makes all the magic happen. :-) We've been completely assured that sticking with Katerina and working through this chaos is the right thing to do. Our lawyers aren't concerned about her situation- she's simply a young homeless woman who's a foreigner to this country & needs our help. Nothing shady about it. (Whew!)
So, we've decided (after getting lots of counsel from Little Angel Adoptions) that moving her & her son out here is the best thing to do for everyone involved. We're hoping to do so in the next week or two! Jennifer was able to reach Katerina & the crisis pregnancy center she's working with to get all the information we need. Zach has also spoken to Katerina twice today (yay!). We've paid to have minutes added to her cell phone so we should no longer have communication issues (wahoo!). We've also put her up in a hotel for the next week while we work on finding her housing here in California. This way we know she & her son are off the streets. She couldn't stay at a shelter w/out going through social services (a 3 week process), so this was the best way to help her for the time being.
PLEASE PRAY that God will provide housing for her here in California! Jennifer has already started making phone calls for us & there just aren't many places without a long waiting list or that accept mothers with children over 3 months old. We have a list of places we've been given through church or other resources and we're praying something works out soon. We'd really like to avoid having her stay with friends or someone from church- we'd like to keep firm boundaries as far as how connected she is to us. Our task tonight & the rest of this week to call around to any place we can and work out housing for Katerina, as well as take a hard look at our financial situation and work out a good plan. Once she's out here we'll be paying for most of her basic needs until the baby is born, plus our finalization fees once the adoption is official. Lots to work through!
The last few days have been pretty stressful for Zach & me both. We know the Lord is going to work everything out just as He's done so far, but we simply have a lot on our plates right now. Please pray we can continue to have a calm & peace about the situation and that we will continue to rely on God & our marriage to get through this. We know it will all be worth it & that 4 months will pass QUICKLY!! Before we know it we'll have a precious son or daughter. =)
So, we've decided (after getting lots of counsel from Little Angel Adoptions) that moving her & her son out here is the best thing to do for everyone involved. We're hoping to do so in the next week or two! Jennifer was able to reach Katerina & the crisis pregnancy center she's working with to get all the information we need. Zach has also spoken to Katerina twice today (yay!). We've paid to have minutes added to her cell phone so we should no longer have communication issues (wahoo!). We've also put her up in a hotel for the next week while we work on finding her housing here in California. This way we know she & her son are off the streets. She couldn't stay at a shelter w/out going through social services (a 3 week process), so this was the best way to help her for the time being.
PLEASE PRAY that God will provide housing for her here in California! Jennifer has already started making phone calls for us & there just aren't many places without a long waiting list or that accept mothers with children over 3 months old. We have a list of places we've been given through church or other resources and we're praying something works out soon. We'd really like to avoid having her stay with friends or someone from church- we'd like to keep firm boundaries as far as how connected she is to us. Our task tonight & the rest of this week to call around to any place we can and work out housing for Katerina, as well as take a hard look at our financial situation and work out a good plan. Once she's out here we'll be paying for most of her basic needs until the baby is born, plus our finalization fees once the adoption is official. Lots to work through!
The last few days have been pretty stressful for Zach & me both. We know the Lord is going to work everything out just as He's done so far, but we simply have a lot on our plates right now. Please pray we can continue to have a calm & peace about the situation and that we will continue to rely on God & our marriage to get through this. We know it will all be worth it & that 4 months will pass QUICKLY!! Before we know it we'll have a precious son or daughter. =)
Monday, September 6, 2010
Thank you so much for praying. Your love & prayers have been felt!!! We were able to speak with the adoptive parent coordinator at Little Angel Adoptions tonight (Khimm) and she really helped lift the weight of stress & anxiety from our shoulders. She's adopted a son through Little Angels and as it turns out her son's birth mother was also homeless and put her in a similar position as the one we're in. She was extremely empathetic to our situation and listened to us vent our frustrations while affirming us at the same time. She agreed that we should not get too invested in Katerina before speaking with our lawyer and learning more details about her situation. However, she suggested that if we heard from Katerina again that we could pay for a hotel room for her just to ensure she's off the streets until we can work out a plan with our lawyers. Obviously we would pay a hotel and not send Katerina any money directly. Should we end of walking away from this situation down the road, any money we've invested in her thus far could be reimbursed to us. Tomorrow we will be able to get in touch with Jennifer, another coordinator at Little Angels who has all the information about Katerina & can give us more insight into her situation. She'll also be able to talk out the possibility of moving Katerina & her son to California, risks involved, etc. We're looking forward to getting some of our questions answered.
We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and prayers offered to us by YOU, our incredible friends and family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for rallying around us during this entire process, not just the last 24 hours. Some of you prayed with us this morning at church and we were brought to tears- words can't express how much it means to us!
We have been overwhelmed by the outpouring of support and prayers offered to us by YOU, our incredible friends and family. Thank you from the bottom of our hearts for rallying around us during this entire process, not just the last 24 hours. Some of you prayed with us this morning at church and we were brought to tears- words can't express how much it means to us!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
Prayer needed
Last week we were in amazement that Katerina (the birth mom) had not asked us for any kind of financial compensation during her pregnancy, even though she admitted she was out of a job & had lost her home. We had decided to pay for her cell phone, however, simply because her service would get turned on & off and we wanted to be able to stay in communication with her. We haven't had a chance to set that up yet though. On Thursday we received a request from her via the crisis pregnancy center she's been getting help from. After some consideration (and we're also thinking some major influence from a counselor at the center), she has decided to ask us for A LOT of financial help (ie: rent, utilities, groceries, doctors bills, etc). The grand total she's asking for far exceeds what we're able to give. In addition to the enormous amount of money we've already paid for our legal fees & home study, we'll also incur expensive fees when we finalize the adoption in Maryland (not to mention our travel expenses). All together we simply can't afford to financially support her for the next four months AND complete an out-of-state adoption. Our lawyer has given us an alternative option, which is to move Katerina (and her 2yr. old son) out to California for the remainder of her pregnancy and to deliver the baby. This way we would not have to pay any out-of-state fees, and she could be put on MediCal which would eliminate any medical expenses for us. We would only need to pay for her basic needs like food, rent & cell phone bill. If we can place her transitional housing/community housing, this would also make better sense financially for us than finding her an apartment. Financially and legistically this would simplify our lives- no traveling to the east coast, no additional fees. However, it's quite the committment to move a total stranger across the country and we just don't know what her plan is after the baby comes. We don't want any strings attached, but it's hard to keep it simple after a move like that. We're desperate to sit down with our lawyer & his wife to discuss our options and get counsel from them, but they're out of town for the holiday weekend and unreachable until Tuesday.
In the meantime... Katerina texted us in the middle of the night saying she had no minutes left on her cell phone and that she had no place to sleep. Her son was staying with his father and she was wondering the streets, depressed and alone. We were at a loss. From thousands of miles away, what on earth could we do? We tried to ask her where she was exactly so we could call local police or a shelter, but she never replied back. We were so emotional and we felt completely helpless. We hated knowing our sweet baby & its mother were out on the streets, unprotected. We immediately began praying and texting everyone we knew to pray for her as well. THANK YOU to those of you who were awake & responded in prayer!!!! Zach and I both felt such a peace, knowing God was hearing all our voices and He was watching over Katerina and our baby. This morning at 7am she texted us again and said she was alright. PRAISE THE LORD! She said she will try to call us this afternoon.
We've been trying to call the pregnancy center where she's been receiving help to make them aware of the situation. We'd like them to help her find a shelter or place to stay until we can work things out to help her. Unfortunately they're closed for the holiday weekend. Until we hear from Katerina and get an exact location for her, we have no way of sending her help or money. Please pray God will open a door for us to do this! Zach and I both feel that moving her to CA seems to be our best option. We can't bear to go through this over the next four months, leaving her to the streets and hoping she can find food & shelter from day to day, for her sake & our baby's sake. Also, please pray that if it's the Lord's will that we be able to reach our lawyer sooner rather than later to start discussing a plan of action. We need lots of discernment as we work our way through very new territory.
We love you friends & family for your faithful support. If the Lord is leading you to lend financial support to Katerina, whether with money or giftcards, please let us know. Know that your prayers are always the most powerful and effective thing you can do for us & Katerina!
In the meantime... Katerina texted us in the middle of the night saying she had no minutes left on her cell phone and that she had no place to sleep. Her son was staying with his father and she was wondering the streets, depressed and alone. We were at a loss. From thousands of miles away, what on earth could we do? We tried to ask her where she was exactly so we could call local police or a shelter, but she never replied back. We were so emotional and we felt completely helpless. We hated knowing our sweet baby & its mother were out on the streets, unprotected. We immediately began praying and texting everyone we knew to pray for her as well. THANK YOU to those of you who were awake & responded in prayer!!!! Zach and I both felt such a peace, knowing God was hearing all our voices and He was watching over Katerina and our baby. This morning at 7am she texted us again and said she was alright. PRAISE THE LORD! She said she will try to call us this afternoon.
We've been trying to call the pregnancy center where she's been receiving help to make them aware of the situation. We'd like them to help her find a shelter or place to stay until we can work things out to help her. Unfortunately they're closed for the holiday weekend. Until we hear from Katerina and get an exact location for her, we have no way of sending her help or money. Please pray God will open a door for us to do this! Zach and I both feel that moving her to CA seems to be our best option. We can't bear to go through this over the next four months, leaving her to the streets and hoping she can find food & shelter from day to day, for her sake & our baby's sake. Also, please pray that if it's the Lord's will that we be able to reach our lawyer sooner rather than later to start discussing a plan of action. We need lots of discernment as we work our way through very new territory.
We love you friends & family for your faithful support. If the Lord is leading you to lend financial support to Katerina, whether with money or giftcards, please let us know. Know that your prayers are always the most powerful and effective thing you can do for us & Katerina!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
The baby room
Here are some pictures of the baby's room, which I finally completed today! All it needs are some essentials (ie: a diaper pail), and we'll be all set. :-) And not that it matters, but for those of you with a detailed eye, we do have a crib skirt but we had to lower the mattress for our friends' 14 month old baby to sleep in when they visit. So, the crib skirt was removed temporarily. :-)
DO note, however, my late grandfather's beautiful rocking chair, still in perfect condition.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Just when we thought....
Last week I (Anne), had my second meltdown during this process. I signed up for MOPS at church thinking it would be a great way for me continue preparing for motherhood & gleaning from the wisdom of those who have gone before me. When I came home that morning it dawned on me just how silly I may appear to everyone else. I mean, our house is baby-proofed, our nursery is set up, our carseat is installed & I'm already joining mom's groups as if I'm going to have a baby tomorrow. When in reality, I had NO idea when the baby was coming or how long we'd be waiting. I just felt so fake. Like I was just playing pretend and trying to convince myself that if I just kept preparing maybe that would make it happen faster. I envied those pregnant moms who didn't have to give a five minute explanation as to when they'd be having kids. I began to feel very insecure about walking into MOPS in September with no baby, and clearly not showing signs of pregnancy. I cried in my husband's arms for at least thirty minutes without stopping. I just couldn't help it. I felt so helpless. Waiting for a phone call that could change your life is the most intense test of patience. In reality, we'd only been "waiting" for under 3 months, and we knew that once our home study was complete the hard part would truly begin. No more tasks to keep us busy, just waiting. I felt pretty doomed. Our home study had only been complete a day or two and here I was having a complete and total meltdown. How was I ever going to make it?
And then... Thursday morning, August 26th 2010, Zach got the phone call that changed our life. :-) A birth mom out in Maryland had chosen us to adopt her baby-to-be! I was working so Zach drove out to Folsom to bring me the good news. He showed me the paper where he'd quickly written down all the information he could from our adoption agency. Her name is Katrina & she's 29 years old. She is about 5'4" with brown hair & brown eyes. She is originally from the Czech Republic & she plans to return there after the baby is born. Her family does not know she is pregnant. She cannot afford another child (she already has a 2yr. old son) and she doesn't want her family to know anything about this baby. She is due on January 1, 2011. The birth father is half white & half African-American. He is 6'4" with black hair and brown eyes. Her relationship with him was brief & he is no longer in the picture. She has not been smoking, drinking or doing drugs at all during her pregnancy & the baby is very healthy. She loved what she saw in our profile book & she wants to speak with us.
Zach & I both agreed that on paper, this seemed like an ideal match. We got her phone number from our adoption agency and tried to reach her that same night. She proved to be very difficult to get a hold of. We found out that her cell phone reception isn't great and her service goes on and off. So after 4 days of calling, texting, and crying in frustration, she finally called us this morning. We had been so frustrated and so fearful that something had happened to her or that she'd changed her mind. It was just bad cell phone reception & nothing more, to our immense relief. I'd been so anxious about what to say to her. How do you make small talk with the woman who's giving you her child? Our adoption lawyer told us to keep it casual, get to know her but don't bombard her with questions. We were told to leave the tough questions to them. Our only job is start a relationship with her & make her feel comfortable.
Our conversation could not have gone better. Katrina was very happy & almost enthusiastic about having us raise her baby. Through tears she said she feels like she already knows us so well. Even her 2 yr. old son, Nivel, when looking through the small pile of profile books told her, "I like Annie!" She said she completely agreed with him. :-) She said things like, "Your baby is moving around a lot!" It brought us to tears hearing her describe the child inside of her as ours. She explained her situation to us and shared how difficult her few years in U.S have been for her. She's been through a lot, but she believes everything happens for a reason and that the decisions she's made & the circumstances she's been in have led her to us. She told us she believed God is great and good. We couldn't have agreed with her more.
We told her what a gift she's giving us and how courageous we think she is. We told her there were not enough words to describe how grateful we are. She told us she knew we would love the baby and give it a good home, and she know she needs to do what's best for the baby. In that decision alone she exemplified motherhood. I will never forget that.
We all agreed she will call us after each doctor's appointment and we will keep in touch as much as we can. We told her we're praying for her and to let us know if she needs anything from us. Right now I feel there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's giving us the best thing in the world, and the most precious and dearest thing to her heart. How could we deny her anything? She's e-mailing us her sonogram pictures later today. She said she'd tell her doctor that we'd like to know the baby's gender so we're hoping he'll do another sonogram for us.
We've been taking the last few days to call family & close friends, sharing our good news and asking for prayer. To those of you who have been faithfully praying for us, we cannot thank you enough. To those of you who wrote letters for our profile book, we cannot thank you enough. All of you are part of our family and part of our baby's life because of the role you've had in loving & supporting us. We will make sure our child knows just how loved and prayed for they were before they even existed!
And then... Thursday morning, August 26th 2010, Zach got the phone call that changed our life. :-) A birth mom out in Maryland had chosen us to adopt her baby-to-be! I was working so Zach drove out to Folsom to bring me the good news. He showed me the paper where he'd quickly written down all the information he could from our adoption agency. Her name is Katrina & she's 29 years old. She is about 5'4" with brown hair & brown eyes. She is originally from the Czech Republic & she plans to return there after the baby is born. Her family does not know she is pregnant. She cannot afford another child (she already has a 2yr. old son) and she doesn't want her family to know anything about this baby. She is due on January 1, 2011. The birth father is half white & half African-American. He is 6'4" with black hair and brown eyes. Her relationship with him was brief & he is no longer in the picture. She has not been smoking, drinking or doing drugs at all during her pregnancy & the baby is very healthy. She loved what she saw in our profile book & she wants to speak with us.
Zach & I both agreed that on paper, this seemed like an ideal match. We got her phone number from our adoption agency and tried to reach her that same night. She proved to be very difficult to get a hold of. We found out that her cell phone reception isn't great and her service goes on and off. So after 4 days of calling, texting, and crying in frustration, she finally called us this morning. We had been so frustrated and so fearful that something had happened to her or that she'd changed her mind. It was just bad cell phone reception & nothing more, to our immense relief. I'd been so anxious about what to say to her. How do you make small talk with the woman who's giving you her child? Our adoption lawyer told us to keep it casual, get to know her but don't bombard her with questions. We were told to leave the tough questions to them. Our only job is start a relationship with her & make her feel comfortable.
Our conversation could not have gone better. Katrina was very happy & almost enthusiastic about having us raise her baby. Through tears she said she feels like she already knows us so well. Even her 2 yr. old son, Nivel, when looking through the small pile of profile books told her, "I like Annie!" She said she completely agreed with him. :-) She said things like, "Your baby is moving around a lot!" It brought us to tears hearing her describe the child inside of her as ours. She explained her situation to us and shared how difficult her few years in U.S have been for her. She's been through a lot, but she believes everything happens for a reason and that the decisions she's made & the circumstances she's been in have led her to us. She told us she believed God is great and good. We couldn't have agreed with her more.
We told her what a gift she's giving us and how courageous we think she is. We told her there were not enough words to describe how grateful we are. She told us she knew we would love the baby and give it a good home, and she know she needs to do what's best for the baby. In that decision alone she exemplified motherhood. I will never forget that.
We all agreed she will call us after each doctor's appointment and we will keep in touch as much as we can. We told her we're praying for her and to let us know if she needs anything from us. Right now I feel there's nothing I wouldn't do for her. She's giving us the best thing in the world, and the most precious and dearest thing to her heart. How could we deny her anything? She's e-mailing us her sonogram pictures later today. She said she'd tell her doctor that we'd like to know the baby's gender so we're hoping he'll do another sonogram for us.
We've been taking the last few days to call family & close friends, sharing our good news and asking for prayer. To those of you who have been faithfully praying for us, we cannot thank you enough. To those of you who wrote letters for our profile book, we cannot thank you enough. All of you are part of our family and part of our baby's life because of the role you've had in loving & supporting us. We will make sure our child knows just how loved and prayed for they were before they even existed!
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Is the end in sight yet?
On Monday we had our final visit from our social worker. She checked us off for all our baby-proofing, car-seat installation, disaster kit, etc. She also went through about 2 hours of training with us, mostly basic child development stuff but also information specific to raising an adopted, interracial child. One of the things we discussed was the detachment an adopted child can feel from their adoptive parents, even later into their adolescence. Our social worker prepared us for the inevitable "You're not my real parents!" yelled at us at least once. Even though I know not to take something like that personally, just the thought of hearing those words from my child after the all the work we've done & will do for them, broke my heart. Real parents provide for you, love on you and give their hearts to you. I'm doing all those things for my child before he/she even exists. I can't imagine being told I'm not a "real" parent. I had to hold back my tears.
Daylyn told us she'd call in a couple weeks once she'd typed up our full report. We'll go to her office to review everything & sign off on it. At that point we'll have officially passed our home study.
However, today I received an email from Daylyn stating that while our paperwork says we're CPR certified, it does not say that we're First Aid certified. So... we need to take one last class for First Aid only. I basically fell apart. We were so close to the end. Hopefully we can get into a class within the next week or so.
I know the Lord has good and perfect timing. We just need to keep trusting in that especially on days like today when it seems the end will never quite be in sight.
Daylyn told us she'd call in a couple weeks once she'd typed up our full report. We'll go to her office to review everything & sign off on it. At that point we'll have officially passed our home study.
However, today I received an email from Daylyn stating that while our paperwork says we're CPR certified, it does not say that we're First Aid certified. So... we need to take one last class for First Aid only. I basically fell apart. We were so close to the end. Hopefully we can get into a class within the next week or so.
I know the Lord has good and perfect timing. We just need to keep trusting in that especially on days like today when it seems the end will never quite be in sight.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Studyin' Up for Parenthood
Our social worker Daylyn came for the final interview yesterday (her one-on-one with Zach). We were hoping she would do the final home inspection while she was here, but she insisted on doing it when she returns on the 16th. So... two more weeks of living with the baby-proofing around the house & the car seat in my backseat. Not too big a deal I guess, but we were really hoping to just check it off the list yesterday. Not having the home inspection complete has felt like a dark cloud over us for the past month. As much as we like Daylyn, we're eager to bid her farewell after her FINAL visit on the 16th. What a relief it will be!
In the meantime, she left us with a couple of dvd's to watch & a book to read called "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother." I wasn't expecting much from it's pages, but after 2 hours of reading while sunbathing, I had read every page. The author shares about her real life experiences going through infertility, an independent adoption, keeping an "open" relationship with the birth mom, and raising a child of a different race. I related to so many things she expressed going through the early phases of the adoption. It was very moving. The book is very honest & eye-opening. I feel more aware, more educated, and more prepared having read it.
On the calendar next week: Our first aid & infant CPR course & our water safety course. Zach also has his physical & TB test (mine are complete). We're waiting to get our DMV clearance forms in the mail & that will be the last of our paperwork. All items for our home study will be complete as of August 16th! From there we just wait for Daylyn to type up her complete evaluation for us to review. Then she'll submit it & we'll be DONE!
In the meantime, she left us with a couple of dvd's to watch & a book to read called "Secret Thoughts of an Adoptive Mother." I wasn't expecting much from it's pages, but after 2 hours of reading while sunbathing, I had read every page. The author shares about her real life experiences going through infertility, an independent adoption, keeping an "open" relationship with the birth mom, and raising a child of a different race. I related to so many things she expressed going through the early phases of the adoption. It was very moving. The book is very honest & eye-opening. I feel more aware, more educated, and more prepared having read it.
On the calendar next week: Our first aid & infant CPR course & our water safety course. Zach also has his physical & TB test (mine are complete). We're waiting to get our DMV clearance forms in the mail & that will be the last of our paperwork. All items for our home study will be complete as of August 16th! From there we just wait for Daylyn to type up her complete evaluation for us to review. Then she'll submit it & we'll be DONE!
Saturday, July 24, 2010
Anne's first meltdown
So on Tuesday morning, I (Anne), had my first official adoption-related meltdown. We've both been doing so great with the waiting so far. And then one little thing just set me off.
One of the MANY things on our "to do" list for the home study is to get a TB test. No big deal. So I went in for my test last Friday & was scheduled to come back in on Monday to have my results read. But then my incredible husband surprised me with a Disneyland getaway for the entire weekend and we didn't return until late Monday night. I re-scheduled my result reading for Tuesday.
After being kept waiting for nearly an hour in the waiting room (just to be handed a piece of paper!), the nurse finally called me in and told me that since more than 72 hours had passed since my test, the results were no longer valid and I had to re-take the test, then come back on Friday for the results.... RIDICULOUS. Apparently it's state mandate or whatever that considers your TB test results invalid after a certain period of time, but nobody told me this. I think my meltdown ensued from lack of sleep, hunger, and complete irritation at the entire process. I started yelling (yes, YELLING) at the nurse and then I just plain sat and cried. I felt so dumb, but I just couldn't help it.
Afterwards I went out to my car, let all the tears out, then called my husband. After talking it out, this is what the REAL reason for my meltdown was... This home study process just seems to be getting longer and longer. With all the doctors appointments, safety courses, tests, home improvements, paperwork, budgeting, the list of tasks seems endless. We're barely making a dent in all the things we need to do and it just seems completely unfair. Birth parents don't have to go through all of this. They can be as prepared or unprepared as they want for parenthood. Zach and I have tried for a baby, and desired a baby for SO long and we are beyond ready. It doesn't seem right that we have to jump through all of these hoops. What makes it even harder is that we have to baby proof our house, install our carseat, set up our nursery, all just to pass the home study but we have no idea how long it will be before we'll actually need all those things! So now all those things just serve as a reminder that we're still in the dark, without a baby. We're hoping and praying we'll get matched soon, but there's just no way to know. It's difficult to have the entire house ready even though we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's now Saturday and I'm doing much better. :-) All our paperwork is complete and every doctors appt. and safety course we need has been scheduled. We'll be completely done with our home study by the end of August, hallelujah! Guess I just melted down for nothing. :-)
One of the MANY things on our "to do" list for the home study is to get a TB test. No big deal. So I went in for my test last Friday & was scheduled to come back in on Monday to have my results read. But then my incredible husband surprised me with a Disneyland getaway for the entire weekend and we didn't return until late Monday night. I re-scheduled my result reading for Tuesday.
After being kept waiting for nearly an hour in the waiting room (just to be handed a piece of paper!), the nurse finally called me in and told me that since more than 72 hours had passed since my test, the results were no longer valid and I had to re-take the test, then come back on Friday for the results.... RIDICULOUS. Apparently it's state mandate or whatever that considers your TB test results invalid after a certain period of time, but nobody told me this. I think my meltdown ensued from lack of sleep, hunger, and complete irritation at the entire process. I started yelling (yes, YELLING) at the nurse and then I just plain sat and cried. I felt so dumb, but I just couldn't help it.
Afterwards I went out to my car, let all the tears out, then called my husband. After talking it out, this is what the REAL reason for my meltdown was... This home study process just seems to be getting longer and longer. With all the doctors appointments, safety courses, tests, home improvements, paperwork, budgeting, the list of tasks seems endless. We're barely making a dent in all the things we need to do and it just seems completely unfair. Birth parents don't have to go through all of this. They can be as prepared or unprepared as they want for parenthood. Zach and I have tried for a baby, and desired a baby for SO long and we are beyond ready. It doesn't seem right that we have to jump through all of these hoops. What makes it even harder is that we have to baby proof our house, install our carseat, set up our nursery, all just to pass the home study but we have no idea how long it will be before we'll actually need all those things! So now all those things just serve as a reminder that we're still in the dark, without a baby. We're hoping and praying we'll get matched soon, but there's just no way to know. It's difficult to have the entire house ready even though we can't see the light at the end of the tunnel.
It's now Saturday and I'm doing much better. :-) All our paperwork is complete and every doctors appt. and safety course we need has been scheduled. We'll be completely done with our home study by the end of August, hallelujah! Guess I just melted down for nothing. :-)
Monday, July 12, 2010
Interview #1
Today we met our social worker, Dalyn, and we did our home assessment & couples interview. We really had no idea what to expect (which made me pretty nervous), but Dalyn was great and very easy to talk to. Some of the questions were pretty darn personal, but we worked through it and responded as honestly as we could. Some of the information she gave us seemed like total common sense to us (ie: Never withhold food or basic necessities from your child as a means of punishment, Check the water temperature before you bathe your child), but we figured she's probably seen it all & she was just covering all her bases.
We filled out an endless pile of paperwork and as if all the hoops we've jumped through so far weren't enough, we were given yet another list of tasks. We each have to get a DMV clearance, a physical, a TB test, pass a water safety course, and pass a CPR & first aid course. We were also told during our home assessment that our entire house needs to be baby-proofed by next week. This means covering all our outlets, putting safety latches on every cabinet & drawer, installing locks on the oven, fridge & toilet, etc etc etc. We thought this was pretty ridiculous since we haven't even been matched with a birth mom yet, and even we were to get a baby tomorrow, it would be MONTHS before they would be at risk for sticking their finger in a socket or getting a knife off the kitchen counter! Nevertheless, it needs to be done in order to pass our home study. We just need to keep focusing on the end result... we're going to be parents to a beautiful son or daughter. When that day comes all this work will be worth it. :-)
Tomorrow we'll be assembling the crib for the nursery & then the baby's room will be just about complete! We're still waiting on a dresser but it won't arrive until the first week of August. I'll post pictures of the finished room (minus the dresser) at the end of this week. :-)
We filled out an endless pile of paperwork and as if all the hoops we've jumped through so far weren't enough, we were given yet another list of tasks. We each have to get a DMV clearance, a physical, a TB test, pass a water safety course, and pass a CPR & first aid course. We were also told during our home assessment that our entire house needs to be baby-proofed by next week. This means covering all our outlets, putting safety latches on every cabinet & drawer, installing locks on the oven, fridge & toilet, etc etc etc. We thought this was pretty ridiculous since we haven't even been matched with a birth mom yet, and even we were to get a baby tomorrow, it would be MONTHS before they would be at risk for sticking their finger in a socket or getting a knife off the kitchen counter! Nevertheless, it needs to be done in order to pass our home study. We just need to keep focusing on the end result... we're going to be parents to a beautiful son or daughter. When that day comes all this work will be worth it. :-)
Tomorrow we'll be assembling the crib for the nursery & then the baby's room will be just about complete! We're still waiting on a dresser but it won't arrive until the first week of August. I'll post pictures of the finished room (minus the dresser) at the end of this week. :-)
Sunday, July 4, 2010
The home study begins
As you may have noticed, there hasn't been much to report over the last couple weeks. We've been very busy filling out LOTS of paperwork for our home study and assembling LOTS of copies of our profile book for Little Angel Adoptions. But now, the profile books have been turned in (which means they can be sent out to any birth mom who is a potential match), and the paperwork has been submitted. Our social worker, Dalyn, will be coming to our house on Monday, July 12th to do a home assessment and our couple's interview. It will be about a 2 hour interview with Zach & I together, answering questions about anything & everything! Next, on July 13th, I will do an individual interview with Dalyn, and Zach will do his on July 19th. Once all three interviews are complete we will move on to our 12 hours of infant training. Then we're done! It seems so simple, but we're anxious to have it all behind us.
In the meantime, we've been working on putting the nursery together. The walls are painted, curtains are up, and new diapers have been slowly accumulating in the closet. :-) We picked out the furniture last week & it's being assembled piece by piece. We're having so much fun pulling the whole room together & imagining what it will be like when we introduce our child to it! I am already excited about our Jeep brand stroller & JJ Cole diaper bag- both have all the bells & whistles and I almost wish I had an excuse to use them even without a baby! :-) But by far the most important element in the nursery is the rocking chair.... it was built by my grandfather when he was just a young guy on the farm in Iowa. After losing him to Alzheimers just last September, I was given the chair- it has personal meaning to me and to our family. We are honored and excited to rock our baby to sleep in my Opa's chair, knowing he will be looking down from heaven and smiling as we do so.
In the meantime, we've been working on putting the nursery together. The walls are painted, curtains are up, and new diapers have been slowly accumulating in the closet. :-) We picked out the furniture last week & it's being assembled piece by piece. We're having so much fun pulling the whole room together & imagining what it will be like when we introduce our child to it! I am already excited about our Jeep brand stroller & JJ Cole diaper bag- both have all the bells & whistles and I almost wish I had an excuse to use them even without a baby! :-) But by far the most important element in the nursery is the rocking chair.... it was built by my grandfather when he was just a young guy on the farm in Iowa. After losing him to Alzheimers just last September, I was given the chair- it has personal meaning to me and to our family. We are honored and excited to rock our baby to sleep in my Opa's chair, knowing he will be looking down from heaven and smiling as we do so.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Checkin' things off the list
We're checking things off our list! We completed our profile book last night, all except the letters of recommendation to be added. We've received 3 letters back so far and we're waiting on the rest before we make copies of our book & send them to Little Angel Adoptions. (If we asked you to write a letter for us, we'd appreciate receiving the letter in the next week. Thank you!)
The profile book was a BIG project and a bit stressful! We're happy to have it behind us and we're trusting God to put the book in the right hands! We've also begun the first steps of our home study. We completed the application & turned in the deposit. We were assigned a social worker & we spoke with her yesterday. Tomorrow we'll be filling out individual questionnaires and turning in the remaining balance due. We'll also be getting fingerprinted. Once those things are complete, our social worker will schedule interviews & a home assessment with us. We're hoping the entire process won't take as long as it sounds like it will, but we're content to have plenty to keep us busy while we're waiting to be matched.
The profile book was a BIG project and a bit stressful! We're happy to have it behind us and we're trusting God to put the book in the right hands! We've also begun the first steps of our home study. We completed the application & turned in the deposit. We were assigned a social worker & we spoke with her yesterday. Tomorrow we'll be filling out individual questionnaires and turning in the remaining balance due. We'll also be getting fingerprinted. Once those things are complete, our social worker will schedule interviews & a home assessment with us. We're hoping the entire process won't take as long as it sounds like it will, but we're content to have plenty to keep us busy while we're waiting to be matched.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
"Dear Birth Parent"
After signing our contract & turning in our fees, we then wrote our "Dear Birth Parent" letter. This is a letter from us to the potential birth mother of our child, sharing who we are and why we desire to be parents. (It took us HOURS to write. It's such an important task!!) Along with a picture of us, this is to be submitted for posting on the Little Angel Adoptions website. Birth moms can go to the website and browse through the waiting families and read their letters. We'll also be putting this letter in our profile book which will get sent out to any birth moms that could be a match for us. Our letter & picture was posted on the website this morning- feel free to read it! (By the way, we know the Little Angel website is ridiculously outdated & cheesy in style, however it hasn't seemed to stop them from being very successful!)
http://www.littleangeladoptions.com/ProspFams/Zach_AnneLtr.htm
http://www.littleangeladoptions.com/ProspFams/Zach_AnneLtr.htm
Thursday, June 3, 2010
"Pregnant on Paper"
We've signed the contract & turned in our money, so as Little Angel Adoptions says, we are officially "pregnant on paper"!!!! Yay!!! We're so excited to have officially begun this journey! We have a lot do now! Our first step is to write a letter to the potential birth mother & submit it along with a picture of us to be posted on the Little Angel Adoptions website. Next, we will need to collect letters of recommendation from friends & family to put in our profile book. (THANK YOU to our amazing friends & family who have been so willing to write these letters for us! It's such a big & important part of the process and we are honored to have you be a part of it!!!) We will also need to make a profile book (basically a mini-scrapbook telling all about us). This will be what gets sent to the birth mothers to look at as they make their decision for a family. Needless to say, there's a lot of pressure on making this book! Finally, we need to have a home study conducted. This simply means a social worker will come and assess our house for safety, space, health, etc. I'm grateful we have plenty to do while we wait. :-)
We've also been advised by Little Angel Adoptions to purchase a carseat & any basic necessities we might need in the event that they receive a call from a birth mom who's already had her baby & needs a family asap! Though this isn't a common occurance, it can and does happen, so we need to be prepared! It's crazy to think our lives could change that quickly!!
We'll keep you posted on our progress!
We've also been advised by Little Angel Adoptions to purchase a carseat & any basic necessities we might need in the event that they receive a call from a birth mom who's already had her baby & needs a family asap! Though this isn't a common occurance, it can and does happen, so we need to be prepared! It's crazy to think our lives could change that quickly!!
We'll keep you posted on our progress!
Friday, May 28, 2010
Decision made!
We met with the directors/owners of Little Angel Adoptions this morning , and the same good vibe we felt on the phone a few days ago was felt again. We had a great talk with Deb- she & her husband Jim started Little Angel Adoptions years ago and they have an obvious heart for birth mother's and the ministry of adoption. She confirmed all the things we'd been told by Kim (the adoptive parent coordinator) and she set us completely at ease. She shared lots of stories with us- all God-ordained meetings between adoptive parents & birth mothers. We realized very quickly that nothing we do can force the process to go faster or smoother but every step is an act of faith. We found this to be a big relief! We don't need to obsess over making the perfect profile book or call for updates every few days... we can relax and trust that God has the perfect child picked out for us.
So after some extensive debriefing with one another over lunch, we've decided to move forward with Little Angel Adoptions! :-) We've already completed the application & been accepted, so the next step is to read & sign the contract and pay the fee (a very little word for a very big number!). After that we'll be officially "pregnant on paper" as they say.
Next we'll write a letter to the potential birth mother & submit a picture to be posted on Little Angel's website. We'll also need to begin collecting reference letters from friends & family, create a profile book to be sent to potential birth mothers, and get a home study done. Lots lots lots to do!
We could be chosen by a birth mom in as little as a few weeks, or up to about 1 year. It's up to God! (Sometimes birth mothers call when they are in labor or have JUST delivered a child, and they want to place their baby with a family immediately! But in most cases a birth mother calls when she is a few months into her pregnancy, so we'll most likely have plenty of notice.)
Please let us know if you have any questions for us about our decision or Little Angel Adoptions!
Here's a little more info about Little Angel Adoptions for those who are interested:
-They do only domestic adoptions within the U.S. They have birth mothers from all around the country, so it's very likely we will need to travel to pick up our child!
-Only 30-35 adoptive families are kept on file. This gives each family the one-on-one attention they need during this emotional process!
-The birth mother will be given only 10-15 profile books to look through, all families who fit what she's looking for & vice versa.
-It is VERY rare for a birth mother to change her mind about relinquishing her child for adoption once she's been matched with a family. (Once the child has been b0rn & discharged from the hospital, the adoption will be finalized & the birth parents rights will be terminated.)
-The majority of birth mother's request a semi-open or closed adoption. (Zach & I are comfortable with both options.)
-A casual relationship between the birth mother & adoptive parents is encouraged before the child is born, but only 5% of families actually meet the birth mother before she delivers.
-We will be given access to the birth mother's medical records from her pre-natal care visits, the baby's medical records, as well as any family medical history that is known.
So after some extensive debriefing with one another over lunch, we've decided to move forward with Little Angel Adoptions! :-) We've already completed the application & been accepted, so the next step is to read & sign the contract and pay the fee (a very little word for a very big number!). After that we'll be officially "pregnant on paper" as they say.
Next we'll write a letter to the potential birth mother & submit a picture to be posted on Little Angel's website. We'll also need to begin collecting reference letters from friends & family, create a profile book to be sent to potential birth mothers, and get a home study done. Lots lots lots to do!
We could be chosen by a birth mom in as little as a few weeks, or up to about 1 year. It's up to God! (Sometimes birth mothers call when they are in labor or have JUST delivered a child, and they want to place their baby with a family immediately! But in most cases a birth mother calls when she is a few months into her pregnancy, so we'll most likely have plenty of notice.)
Please let us know if you have any questions for us about our decision or Little Angel Adoptions!
Here's a little more info about Little Angel Adoptions for those who are interested:
-They do only domestic adoptions within the U.S. They have birth mothers from all around the country, so it's very likely we will need to travel to pick up our child!
-Only 30-35 adoptive families are kept on file. This gives each family the one-on-one attention they need during this emotional process!
-The birth mother will be given only 10-15 profile books to look through, all families who fit what she's looking for & vice versa.
-It is VERY rare for a birth mother to change her mind about relinquishing her child for adoption once she's been matched with a family. (Once the child has been b0rn & discharged from the hospital, the adoption will be finalized & the birth parents rights will be terminated.)
-The majority of birth mother's request a semi-open or closed adoption. (Zach & I are comfortable with both options.)
-A casual relationship between the birth mother & adoptive parents is encouraged before the child is born, but only 5% of families actually meet the birth mother before she delivers.
-We will be given access to the birth mother's medical records from her pre-natal care visits, the baby's medical records, as well as any family medical history that is known.
Tuesday, May 25, 2010
Gettin' a Good Vibe
So after a very emotional few days of processing what we learned from Lilliput, we called up Little Angels Adoptions. I (Anne) spoke with the Adoptive Parent Coordinator for half an hour & got many of my questions answered. She was so easy to talk to and set me completely at ease. She adopted her son through Little Angels and then took a job with them shortly after. She was very honest about her experience and really encouraged me. All the information we've gained so far are things we both feel very comfortable with. Just after that first call we got a very good vibe, as opposed to the heart sinking feeling we felt with Lilliput. So we've set up a meeting with Little Angels for this Friday morning. Please pray for discernment & that God would give us peace about the course we should take.
Last night we also had the pleasure of having dinner with the Marshi family. Holly & Bassel Marshi attend our church and they recently adopted 7 yr. old Bailey through Lilliput. We had a wonderful time getting to know their family & hearing their story. It was so refreshing to meet another family who can give us support & enouragement through this process. (Thank you Holly & Bassel!!!)
Last night we also had the pleasure of having dinner with the Marshi family. Holly & Bassel Marshi attend our church and they recently adopted 7 yr. old Bailey through Lilliput. We had a wonderful time getting to know their family & hearing their story. It was so refreshing to meet another family who can give us support & enouragement through this process. (Thank you Holly & Bassel!!!)
Friday, May 21, 2010
A Bit Overwhelmed...
Thank you to those of you who prayed for us during our orientation meeting with Lilliput! We were given A LOT of information last night and we're still processing it all. We talked some things out with Zach's parents who attended the meeting with us and we took a detour on our way home to Big Spoon Yogurt. We felt a little dessert would make the decision making process a bit easier. :-)
The "reality checks" we heard at the event last weekend were confirmed at the Lilliput meeting. The entire process from start to finish could take up to 2 years. We were made very aware of the risks we would take in adopting a 0-12month old. There is a good chance the child's birth parent(s) will fight for reunification and they will have 6-12 months to do so, even after the child has been placed in our home. The thought of bonding with a sweet baby only to have them taken away from us is almost too much to handle. It is also mandated by the state that we arrange regular visits between the child & their birth parent(s) during the fostering period... we're not entirely comfortable with that. We also learned that when adopting an infant there is a VERY good chance they have been exposed to prenatal drug or alcohol abuse which results in health problems.
These are all things we will be willing & able to take on if the Lord leads us to, however we feel it's best to see what our other options are before committing to such a difficult journey. We were referred to an independent adoption agency called "Little Angel Adoptions" here in Sacramento. They set up adoption with pregnant mothers who are relinquishing their baby-to-be. The chance of having an unhealthy child is greatly reduced, and the adoption is finalized the moment the child is placed with us- so no temporary foster care. The big risk, of course, is that the birth mom could change her mind at any point during her pregnancy. This would be difficult, but at least we won't have bonded with the child yet, so the burden would be lessened. We'll set up a meeting with Little Angel Adoptions and make our decision after that.
We're a little disheartened as we were hoping to have a clearly known path after last night's meeting. We feel it's important to take our time in making sure we're choosing the best fit though, and God will get us through it!
The "reality checks" we heard at the event last weekend were confirmed at the Lilliput meeting. The entire process from start to finish could take up to 2 years. We were made very aware of the risks we would take in adopting a 0-12month old. There is a good chance the child's birth parent(s) will fight for reunification and they will have 6-12 months to do so, even after the child has been placed in our home. The thought of bonding with a sweet baby only to have them taken away from us is almost too much to handle. It is also mandated by the state that we arrange regular visits between the child & their birth parent(s) during the fostering period... we're not entirely comfortable with that. We also learned that when adopting an infant there is a VERY good chance they have been exposed to prenatal drug or alcohol abuse which results in health problems.
These are all things we will be willing & able to take on if the Lord leads us to, however we feel it's best to see what our other options are before committing to such a difficult journey. We were referred to an independent adoption agency called "Little Angel Adoptions" here in Sacramento. They set up adoption with pregnant mothers who are relinquishing their baby-to-be. The chance of having an unhealthy child is greatly reduced, and the adoption is finalized the moment the child is placed with us- so no temporary foster care. The big risk, of course, is that the birth mom could change her mind at any point during her pregnancy. This would be difficult, but at least we won't have bonded with the child yet, so the burden would be lessened. We'll set up a meeting with Little Angel Adoptions and make our decision after that.
We're a little disheartened as we were hoping to have a clearly known path after last night's meeting. We feel it's important to take our time in making sure we're choosing the best fit though, and God will get us through it!
Saturday, May 15, 2010
"Home For Good" Event re-cap
We're on information overload after today's adoption event! From 9am to 1pm we heard anything & everything about adoption, including testimonies (which were VERY emotional), introductional workshops, etc. We met up with several friends of ours from church who were either interested in adoption like us, or were simply supporting the cause. It was reassuring to see familiar faces on such a big day for us!
The workshop was very informative and gave us a very big reality check as far as what we're getting ourselves into! We knew of course this process would not be easy, but we certainly feel we've had our eyes completely opened to the obstacles that may lay ahead. We're still confident the Lord is leading us to adopt, but how clear the path will be to get there is no longer certain. We need our faith to kick in... big time. :-)
We were able to meet a representative from Lilliput & hear a lot more about their company, all good things (yay!). We were also introduced to Sierra Forever Families, an adoption agency very similar to Lilliput as far as their focus, values & procedures. We may attend an orientation meeting with them as well, just to compare & contrast so as to make an informed decision.
We have a lot to think & pray about as we prepare for our orientation with Lilliput this coming Thursday. Thank you to those of you who are continually praying for us as we start this journey! We appreciate your support SO very much!
The workshop was very informative and gave us a very big reality check as far as what we're getting ourselves into! We knew of course this process would not be easy, but we certainly feel we've had our eyes completely opened to the obstacles that may lay ahead. We're still confident the Lord is leading us to adopt, but how clear the path will be to get there is no longer certain. We need our faith to kick in... big time. :-)
We were able to meet a representative from Lilliput & hear a lot more about their company, all good things (yay!). We were also introduced to Sierra Forever Families, an adoption agency very similar to Lilliput as far as their focus, values & procedures. We may attend an orientation meeting with them as well, just to compare & contrast so as to make an informed decision.
We have a lot to think & pray about as we prepare for our orientation with Lilliput this coming Thursday. Thank you to those of you who are continually praying for us as we start this journey! We appreciate your support SO very much!
Thursday, May 13, 2010
After A LOT of deliberating we finally chose a "gender neutral" crib bedding. I had no idea how hard it was find something that doesn't lean too far to the feminine or masculine side! If I (Anne) had my way of course I would do brown b/c it goes both ways, but I've decorated every other room in our house with brown & Zach doesn't think brown is a "baby color" so... I didn't win that one. :-) Zach insisted on bright, primary colors so that helped narrow it down a lot. Here's what we're goin' with... (see above link)
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Oh the possibility
Last night we made a trip to Ikea to check out a set of nursery furniture we liked online. We loved it! We decided going with something like Ikea rather than Pottery Barn made the most sense in the long run. Children put their bedroom furniture through so much wear & tear. It would break our hearts to see them dent or color on a dresser that cost us thousands of dollars. But if it's Ikea... eh. The set we picked out is still very sturdy and will no doubt stand up through the test of children's toys, makers, and teeth. :-)
The nursery will be what's currently known as Zach's "sports room." I painted & decorated it for him as a gift for his 28th birthday. All of his autographed sports stuff, baseballs, old Wheaties boxes, etc. is displayed in there. Yesterday I began clearing it all out. Today I'll prime over the "blazer blue" to prepare for a color that's more neutral. (Although Zach insists we'll have a boy so the blue should stay!) Not sure what that will be yet.
Last night Zach pulled me out of bed and took me down the hall to what we'll now call the "baby room." We sat in the middle of the floor and looked around, imagining. We talked about where the furniture will go and about all the nights we'll spend in there singing & rocking our baby to sleep.... it doesn't seem real!
The nursery will be what's currently known as Zach's "sports room." I painted & decorated it for him as a gift for his 28th birthday. All of his autographed sports stuff, baseballs, old Wheaties boxes, etc. is displayed in there. Yesterday I began clearing it all out. Today I'll prime over the "blazer blue" to prepare for a color that's more neutral. (Although Zach insists we'll have a boy so the blue should stay!) Not sure what that will be yet.
Last night Zach pulled me out of bed and took me down the hall to what we'll now call the "baby room." We sat in the middle of the floor and looked around, imagining. We talked about where the furniture will go and about all the nights we'll spend in there singing & rocking our baby to sleep.... it doesn't seem real!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
Our First Post!
This is our first official post! We are so excited to begin this journey!
Right now we are most looking forward to the adoption event sponsored by Home for Good Ministries coming up next weekend. We heard about Home for Good through a friend of ours, Pam. She and her husband are legal guardians for their granddaughter Madi, who is active in Zach's jr. high ministry. They also recently adopted their younger granddaughter. Pam joined a group of others who were passionate about fostering and adoption, and they joined forces to form a local advocacy group. We attended a committee meeting for Home for Good Ministries in March, and it was there we learned about their bi-annual informational event for prospective parents just like us! Our church is also starting a new ministry for foster & adoptive parents which we are very excited to be a part of.
As of right now we believe we'll be working with Lilliput Children's Services to proceed with our adoption. We have an orientation meeting scheduled for May 20th. (www.lilliput.org) If all goes well we will begin the application and home study process which can take 3-6 months. After that we'll be available to have a child placed with us! We can't wait!!!
We have decided to adopt a child 12 months or younger. We do not have a preference as to boy or girl, or to racial ethnicity. Can you believe we won't have a PLAN?!?! :-)
Right now we are most looking forward to the adoption event sponsored by Home for Good Ministries coming up next weekend. We heard about Home for Good through a friend of ours, Pam. She and her husband are legal guardians for their granddaughter Madi, who is active in Zach's jr. high ministry. They also recently adopted their younger granddaughter. Pam joined a group of others who were passionate about fostering and adoption, and they joined forces to form a local advocacy group. We attended a committee meeting for Home for Good Ministries in March, and it was there we learned about their bi-annual informational event for prospective parents just like us! Our church is also starting a new ministry for foster & adoptive parents which we are very excited to be a part of.
As of right now we believe we'll be working with Lilliput Children's Services to proceed with our adoption. We have an orientation meeting scheduled for May 20th. (www.lilliput.org) If all goes well we will begin the application and home study process which can take 3-6 months. After that we'll be available to have a child placed with us! We can't wait!!!
We have decided to adopt a child 12 months or younger. We do not have a preference as to boy or girl, or to racial ethnicity. Can you believe we won't have a PLAN?!?! :-)
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