Praying for His desire, not ours, and how much that sucks

Last night our life group had a big discussion, touching on several different things. One friend brought up her fears and how they keep her from trusting God at times. I understood this completely. Over the last two months since we lost Caleb, my heart has been nearly consumed in fear. Rather than cling to the hope that God will give us another baby, I've been fearful that losing Caleb is just the tip of iceberg. Now that something so dear to me has been taken away, what's to say God won't allow me to lose Zach, our house, our jobs, our family members? If Zach is late coming home from work I wonder if something terrible has happened to him, and if that's why we couldn't have Caleb (because God knew I couldn't raise a child on my own). I know it's awful to live in that sort of constant skepticism, and I know it's simply Satan preying on my discouragement.

Our life group also talked about cultivating our heart for God- how the process can be a long one, much like farmers and their crops. Sometimes they experience droughts or heavy flooding, all of which they cannot control. They simply have to remain patient and wait for the good crop to come. We related this to Zechariah & Elizabeth, Abraham & Sarah, and so many others in the Bible who waited and waited and waited for the desire of their hearts to be fulfilled. Some find these to be stories of hope, while I feel completely and totally discouraged. Who can honestly say they're content to wait on the Lord for as long as it takes? I know I can't. I wait because I have no other choice. I trust Him because turning my back on Him is not an option (not for me anyway). But I'm not happy about it.

When all our friends had left I sat on the couch with Zach and confessed my doubts, fears, and my dozens of unanswered questions. Through my tears I told him how tired I was of feeling so sad all the time. I can't seem to shake the dark clouds around my heart. I realized that I've pretty much stopped talking to God about my desire for a baby. I still pray for others, but when it comes to my own needs, I feel like it's a waste of time to keep reminding God how much I want a child. He knows. He sees the sadness my heart has sunk into, and I think if I keep asking Him every day without an answer, my disappointment will grow.

My good friend Julie suggested I start praying for God to change the desire of my heart to match His desire for me. If God and I want the same things for me, then my anger and cynicism toward Him would be no longer. It makes sense, but it would also require me letting go of my desire to be a mother. Releasing that to a God who I struggle with trusting is more than I can do right now, but I know it's the only way out of the clouds.

Zach told me after all my venting, that he sees my relationship with God becoming more and more real. No longer am I praying and reading my Bible to check them off the list, or to even win Him over so that I'll get what I want. Instead, I'm giving it to Him straight, unedited, whether He likes it or not. I'm David when he wrote the Psalms, and that's a good place to be.