It's hard to know where to even begin. These last five days have been such a roller coaster of emotions for us. For now we are trying to walk that fine line between embracing support & letting people help us, and turning inwards to cry & grieve in the sanctuary of our marriage and home. We don't want to isolate ourselves, but we don't want to force ourselves to be more social than we're ready for either. While it seems we're in a place where we can clearly articulate how we're doing without tearing up, we know there are still challenges that await us in this grief process. We have yet to open the nursery door, and we know that whenever we're matched with a new birth mom we'll have a mountain to climb in regards to trusting again.
The pain has numbed a bit now. Fresh tears are fewer and further between. But sometimes the sadness creeps in so quickly and we can't help but sink into it. We talk to each other a lot, but we also sit in the quiet a lot.
I've found myself telling friends that I have to believe my desire for a child is not more important than God's plan. I have to believe it because if I don't, I have no hope.
We've been asked about making plans after January... right now it feels like if we make plans, we're accepting the reality that we may still be childless by then... it's a reality we're not ready for.
We still have not heard from Katerina. With each day that passes our compassion for her lessens. While I can certainly imagine how hard it is for her to pick up the phone, we feel she absolutely owes it to us to call. Zach and I feel differently about wanting to hear from her though. He feels he needs to know directly from her the answers to "Why?" in order to get closure. I feel there is no explanation she can give me that will satisfy me. I don't need to hear how sorry or guilty she feels. I just don't have it in me to feel compassion on her right now. She gets to go home with Caleb and we don't. I can't feel sorry for HER.
On Thursday we called Little Angel Adoptions and asked that they begin sending our profile books back out to potential matches. They said they already had two moms they could send our book to and they were happy we decided not to waste any time. We don't know how long it will take to get matched again. If it's sooner than we're ready for, we can simply say so and wait a bit longer. Selfishly we're desiring to get a "last minute" phone call for a birth mom who's already in the hospital and needs adoptive parents right away. It seems this would make things so much easier for us. We have everything ready and bought- it's not like we need the months to prepare this time around. I'm secretly praying God will fill this void with another baby due around the same time Caleb was. Wouldn't that be incredible? I know it's not likely, but it doesn't hurt to pray for it anyway.
Thank you for the enormous amount of prayers and support. The emails, voicemails, text messages and Facebook posts keep flooding in and we are so very grateful. Even if we haven't had the words to respond to you yet, know your thoughts are appreciated! We firmly believe it's because of your prayers that we are even functioning through this trial. The generosity of some of you has been such a blessing as well. We've been gifted with flowers, Starbucks drinks, massages, and meals. You know who you are and we THANK YOU.
