Yesterday I received a phone call from Little Angel Adoptions. I had just finished buying Caleb some bigger sized clothes (since he seems to have an overdose of 0-3 month but nothing much beyond that) & I was in the Target parking lot. Our contact, Jennifer, was in tears as she told me that Katerina had changed her mind and had decided to keep the baby... I felt the wind being knocked out of me. Speechless, I listened to Jennifer explain as best she could what had happened.
Kat called Jennifer and told her between sobs that she's been praying and struggling with this for several days now and she feels too bonded with the baby to let him go. She also told Jennifer that she'd decided to tell her mother back in the Czech Republic that she's pregnant- her mom insisted she bring Kat & Nevelle home and she would help financially to raise the baby. Apparently this was a "quick fix" to Kat's problem and she took her up on it. Kat didn't have the courage to call us because she knew how devastated we would be, and according to Jennifer she feels terrible for what she's doing to us. Jennifer said Kat would be calling us when she's ready... we're not sure when that we'll be.
Jennifer assured me that she & the Little Angels team are here for us to help us through this. She said whenever we're ready they'll start sending our profile books out again to find another match, but if we wanted to wait out these next 6 weeks to see if Kat changes her mind back then that would be okay. I hung up with her and went to pull Zach out of his luncheon with the pastoral staff. I didn't cry until I saw him, and then I just wailed. I've never felt such heart-wrenching sadness before. We both just crumbled to the ground and sobbed. Just six weeks away from the birth of our son, and we feel as if Kat ripped him right out of our arms.
Over the last few weeks I've had two baby showers and on Monday I spent the day unpacking everything, washing clothes, and organizing the nursery. Even the diaper bag was packed and ready for our trip to the hospital. Now we've closed the door to the nursery and can't bear to open it again. It's just so unfair. So many friends and family were in love with this little boy already, ready to raise him with us and watch over him. He's not just being taken away from us, but from our parents and friends too. Making phone calls yesterday with our broken hearts, only to break the hearts of others was almost unbearable. Just one month ago we were calling those same people with pure excitement as we announced we were having a boy. Now our phones are buzzing with text messages and voicemails full of sympathetic expressions.
In addition to our complete sense of loss, we're also angry and frustrated. Kat gave us no indication she was struggling with her decision. We talked to her every week and she consistently assured us she was firm in her choice. From the first time we talked to her three months ago she was referring to the baby as ours, and she's wanted to know everything about the nursery, the baby showers, the name we chose, etc. Even Little Angel Adoptions assured us she was solid and low-risk before we moved her from Maryland to California. We've done so much for Kat and Nevelle, not just financially (though that was by far our biggest contribution), but we've invested in her emotionally as well. We'd come to care for her and love her as family- it was never just about the baby. Her decision seemed to come out of left field, and we're very concerned it's just a knee-jerk reaction to her mother's response. Regardless of how unfair it is and how betrayed we feel, Kat has every right as the mother to raise her own child. We know she'll take care of him- we've seen how wonderful she is with Nevelle. He'll always feel like our son though.
I just wish we could understand God's purpose in all of this. Everything seemed to fall right into place from the very beginning and it appeared He was clearing the path for this adoption to go smoothly. We've been so blessed every step of the way. Now, out of nowhere, it's been taken away from us and it just feels like a cruel trick. We feel cheated and robbed.
Now we pray for what's next. We pray for discernment on when to put ourselves out there again, and we pray for the strength to give Caleb over to God and trust he'll be safe there. The grief seems to come in waves. One minute Zach and I will be joking around or playing with Ruby, and the next we'll be sobbing over the kitchen sink. At other times we just tune out and feel numb, stoic even. It's hard not to try to keep busy every minute because I know we need to process and grieve. It's just out of our hands though, and I feel no amount of laying in bed and crying will bring Caleb back to us. We have to believe God knows what He's doing and He has the perfect child for us. Our faith is being put to the test. "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold." -Job 23:10
We need your prayers to get through this. Please please please lift us up, our families, and Katerina to the Lord. We are all experiencing our own form of grief. We want our friends to know how incredibly grateful we are for their love and support. We've already received so many phone calls, messages, and flowers from amazing people who are sharing our pain with us. "A despairing man should have the devotion of his friends..." -Job 6:14. Thank you for your devotion to us.
