So many of you have been checking in with us over the last two weeks, asking us how we're "really" doing...
We are emotionally exhausted, but we have more peace today than we've had in the last two weeks. We know our survival is a direct answer to the prayers of SO many people. The holiday season doesn't seem as fun and joyful as it has in past years, but we're trying to keep our heads up. Little by little we're opening ourselves up to being more social, but it's been tough. When needed we spend time alone at home, allowing ourselves to grieve. It's still too difficult to look past January 6th for me. It looks too bleak and sad and I'm not ready to accept the reality that we may still not have a baby then. Zach is doing better at moving forward in that sense. I'm glad God has given us different strengths and weaknesses through this experience to balance each other out.
Earlier this week we opened the door to the baby's room. I felt led to donate some of the diapers we'd been accumulating to the local crisis pregnancy center our church partners with. I don't know how long it will be until we'll actually need them, and I needed a way to turn my pain into someone else's blessing. I packed up all of the things specific to Caleb Brenner: his life book, sonogram pictures, monogrammed clothes, our picture with Kat, cards from the baby showers, etc. I put everything in a box with his initial on it. I cleaned things up and put unopened items away. Before I walked out I turned on the nightlight, and left the door open.
Zach came home that night and walked past the newly opened room. Over dinner he started crying as he shared how good it felt to see the nightlight on in the baby room. "It means there's hope," he said. It feels refreshing to see the room open and ready for another baby. We knew we couldn't let it be a room of sadness and loss. Someday that room will hold OUR baby, and that's what we need to focus on.
We've all but given up on hearing from Katerina. We still have mixed feelings about that, but the bottom line is it's simply out of our control. The road to forgiveness seems long still, but we know we'll get there.
