Four weeks ago today we found out Caleb would not come home with us. While time has numbed the pain and in many ways we feel as we've come out the other side, last night we realized how much we are still struggling.
This past week I (Anne) have had more than just a few "sad days." As we get further into the Christmas season, Caleb's due date draws nearer and my sadness grows. For so long we were thinking this holiday season would be filled with anticipation, knowing at any moment we could get the phone call that Kat was in labor. Now as we decorate the house, wrap gifts, and make cookies it feels like a big piece is missing.
Laying in bed last night Zach began talking about what it will be like when we get re-matched with another birth mom. We realized we feel quite differently about our next approach. Amazingly, Zach's heart is committed to jumping back in head first. He's ready to trust again and meet another birth mom with complete vulnerability. For him, bonding with another baby (choosing a name, nesting in the nursery) and investing both emotionally and financially in another mom, is the only way he knows how to move forward. This is astounds me, because I can't fathom a re-match without being influenced by my past hurt and betrayal. I don't know how NOT to having feelings of mistrust. I feel I should be more guarded, ask more questions, and not feel any real confidence in the situation until the adoption papers are signed. I would rather avoid naming the child, starting a baby book, etc until he or she is in our home. Claiming Caleb as my son months before he was born was overly-confident I feel, and it made it so much harder to lose him. I need to go into this next situation in a state of total surrender, not putting my claim on the baby until it's in my arms. I just don't think I can bear losing another son or daughter.
We ended our discussion agreeing that we both have every right to feel what we feel, and neither of us is wrong. We'll simply pray that God helps us find a middle ground of some sort in how we move forward with another mom. Every day we wait for another phone call is another day we have to continue to process our feelings and work things out. There's no way to tell where our hearts will be when that phone call comes, whether it's tomorrow or months from now.
I'm sad to admit I am continually struggling with trusting God again after this experience. While I am beginning to see how our ordeal has helped us encourage others who are also enduring the loss of a child, I have yet to see God's love for us through this. We had such peace in every decision we made with Kat- I don't trust peace of heart and mind anymore. I prayed and petitioned God every day for a year when we were trying to get pregnant, hearing "No" day after day. When we were matched with Kat I felt my prayers had finally been heard... only to have our baby taken away. I wonder now if God really hears my prayers, and what good it does if He does what He wants anyway.
Our life group recently read the story of Elizabeth & Zechariah, parents of John the Baptist. The Bible says Elizabeth was barren and well along in years, but then an angel told Zechariah they would have a son. Zechariah more or less scoffed in disbelief, and for that he was punished by the removal of his voice. This story makes me angry because I understand Zechariah's disbelief. He and Elizabeth had no doubt tried and prayed for years to have a child, and they were used to their prayers going unanswered. Now, all of the sudden, God decides to give them a baby? How could they trust Him? How can I have faith that the next birth mom we get matched with will keep her word?
Please pray for me in this area. Pray my faith & trust in God will be restored. Pray He shows me hope in the midst of my skepticism. I want so much to believe in His love and goodness again. I want to see past my pain, I just don't know how.
